THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i fell in love with the music of opeth during the winter of 2007. it was near the time when i first discovered the soothing balm of death metal music... they are playing in San Francisco on Tuesday night and i feel like i should be there. i'm on the verge of buying a ticket to go by myself. i just would rather have someone to go with. my first choice of who i'd like to go with is my oldest known Opeth fan friend, Rachel. i still have a crush on her and i think she suspects this. she said no when i asked her to go with me. i wrote a note just a few minutes ago to see if young Kaiti, the fiery Norse-goddess from Oakland wants to go. waiting to hear back from her. if she says yes, i will definitely go. tempted to ask Daisy, sort of as a last resort but she seems so spacey to me sometimes when i've been out with her before i'm not sure what it would be like to be with her, even though any time i've been out with her before i've enjoyed myself. and here is the sad fa...

okay, i'm not sure where this came from but i am so glad it came. i just sprung up with an idea that could be monumental, if i can really tap into a power source and get focused enough to do it. i think i can write not just one, but a series of "Cemetery Girl" novels. of course, i need to get the first one finished... but there is inspiration inside all of my models that i have photographed that i can create new stories from. they'd have to be short novels. this is the thing i have to start brainstorming "down" with, is bringing the hugeness of the first novel i have been wanting to write down to a manageable size. you have to get focused though, man. your energy goes out so many places and it's hard for you to concentrate... just sitting here in the cafe for 2 hours tonight you hit on some amazing breakthrough ideas. first you have to finish the Danville Cemetery Girl story. then you can write the Wenchi-Julia Morgan Cemetery Girl story. then you ca...

okay, so i'm feeling a new idea pull together about how to get my senses to pull in their straggling, wavering indifference's about how to be serious about what is going on these days... how's that for a blur of meaning and intent...  so here is one thing that realllllly bothers me, and i don't know if it's a mirrored reflection of my own personality and the energy i put out as a person and an artist or what. it must be, but why it works this way i'm really not sure. a mystery of life i guess...  i keep asking models if they want to do some new work with me. and everyone says, "yes" and "soon" and "i'll get back to you", but soon never comes. i am either only asking indecisive and insecure models to work with me, or i am equally radiating an air of indecision and wishy-washyness. i mean, i'll confess to that for sure because i have been feeling wishy washy over the past few weeks. without confident and energetic desires comi...

i did have an idea, once, of using my cemetery girl photographs as the basis for writing children stories with. or at least writing stories in a children's story book-like format; picture story books... if you will. not that the stories would need to be fit for children, but that the allure may be in the stories being fairy-tale like... or the appearance of the books being appealing in an innocent style that might make them more attractive to buyers. and see? this is where i fail as a social creature. i do not have the ability to attract anyone to sit down next to me to have a conversation with to talk about this idea and say, "hey! wanna collaborate? i have this idea but i'm not sure how to do it just right. and i'm willing to let you work on this with me, share making this a creation between the two of us." it's partly because i don't know anyone well enough. the people i do know all think i am just a do-it-by-yourself-kinda-guy and they never suspect ...

i'm getting emotional about my inability to make the things i want to have happen in my life happen. i'm getting emotionally unsettled. pressure is building. the kettle is nearing it's boiling point. i really need something new to happen and if it doesn't come about soon of it's own power i'm going to have to break something on purpose to make it happen.  idle threat? maybe, maybe not. i don't think it has to be a drastic break or destruction, maybe just a rewrite of some of the precepts i have that i live by... i mean, i always do this, all the time anyway, don't i... okay, so here is the issue of the day. i'm really frustrated with my so-called-career as a photographer. as far as i'm concerned, i gave photography a try, got some pleasure from the experience, but i did not succeed in becoming a professional. i have developed no marketable skills that anyone will hire me for and no one will buy the "art work" that i have already creat...

but i just need to say something so here goes nothing... i have a new friend that i've been opening up to this week, which has been nice. she is someone that has modeled for me. one of my most recent models. someone that i was taken with on several levels right from the start... for one thing, she is captivatingly beautiful. i've never seen an unflattering photograph of her yet. none from other photographers and none that i have taken of her. she exudes a confidence unbecoming for someone so new and fresh on the scene. when i photographed her, it was during a shoot where she was accompanied by 2 other models and there was a vying for time thing going on. i wanted to photograph the three models together, but i also wanted to give each individual model private time. the private time i gave this particular model slipped by so quickly though, elusively and somehow before i knew it she had flitted out of my view. i don't think i fully recognized the power of her presence when i ...

i don't want to dream all day but i don't mind my days being dream-like. what i do mind is that my days are murky and sludge-like and i can't seem to move through my hours with the fluidity that i'd like to. i want to, no, need to be able to swim through the seas of my days like a powerful and free being unencumbered by the distractions of physical ennui that make it difficult for me to do all the things that my mind is so horny to do. i want to rape the days that i have left to live but many days i feel tied up in the sheets that i lay down in and cannot unravel enough awareness and clarity of mind to be able to get enough blood flowing through my veins to electrify a strong enough hard on to even feel attractive enough to lure a day or life to have a romantic encounter with me. i really feel like i need to cause an earthquake, or a typhoon. i have enough pent up emotions inside of me to storm and shake earth and sky but my days are shadowy and i don't see the li...

into my own imagination goes my whimsical advances towards the setting sun of friendships that never really existed. false sunrises that hint at possibilities of real experiences in real lives with real people but are only dreamlike expectations that occur on moonscapes of non-existent realities. you imagine something you want to have happen in real life, you dream about it, you envision it, you plan on ways to make it happen, if you wish deeply enough from the well of fulfillment in your soul there is a chance that a germ may sprout and a plant may grow... but so many ingredients have to be in place, in accord... there is no assurance that anything could come about from your wishes, from your dreams so it is better to live, not with expectation of your dreams being fulfilled magically. you have to participate to some degree in the becoming, but the balance... how you figure out your involvement. that is the most delicate matter. i'm beating around the bush of trying to say somet...

seeing this play last night was a last minute decision. something i put off making a decision about as long as i could, nearly the very last performance before the play closed. i got to see it on the last night that would not be a full house, which made it more enjoyable for me. i hate to be in a full theater with the people of this town. i knew just a little bit about the outline of the play. i had obtained a copy of it to read well in advance, but as usual, i neglected to take the time to get enthused and do the actual advanced reading. yesterday afternoon i read some cliff notes just to get a quick synopses of what to expect. that was only good for insight into the action, not the subtext. i did not expect to be receive what i received last night. i should know better with O'Neill by now, but i don't. i have seen a handful of his plays only. have not read the great ones that i have not seen yet. this one packed such a wallop, his obsession with death, guilt, family blame, ...

and i DID get a lot of work done last night. i got 20+ pages of poems and photographs into the layout for the magazine and i made 3 handmade postcards today, mailing two of them tonight - one tomorrow and i'm finally sending Erin in Canada the letter that has taken me three weeks to write her. but even after what i wrote last night about not feeling like i ever fully wake up... gosh, did i even say that? because right now, this very minute that is how i feel. i feel so out of place here in this very coffee shop where i come so often to do my writing. and i blame it on one fact. this is MY blaming fact. my one special barista, Izzy is not here and she has not been here any of the nights i have come in during the past week. i was out of town for a week prior so it is now two weeks since i saw her last. i am a bit attached to her. she lifts my spirits. she is my friend. and its not that the other baristas here are NOT friendly it's just that she knows me. she has worked with me o...

i enjoy staying up late, the hours between 11pm and 3am are the quietest hours of the day, to me at least and are the most ripe for deep inspiration from the soul to strike. if i could focus my mental and physical energies more powerfully during those hours i think i could get better work completed. it's a confusing effort though because the world does not live during those hours. i could get away with it if i did not have the influence of other people's schedules upon my own. since i live in a house where other people live, i am affected by the energies of the schedules they live by and the energies they dispel. when they are away, i start to find my own rhythm... but it is not often enough and i end up floundering most of the time. there is such a fog of confusion around me right now. i know that there are things that i want to do, projects i want to work on and complete, but i am having such a hard time establishing their parameters. in July when i had the photo books to c...

i'm starting to feel a little more frightened each day as this experiment progresses. my natural tendency is to isolate. the social networks got me to talk and interact but it just felt shallow and unnatural to me. and now that i am not "out there" where people had to be forced to choose to listen or ignore, i am finding that most people won't seek you out. one person sought me out recently. last week. a woman. a nice woman that lives locally. she seems to have a desire of some sort to connect with me, but i don't feel a safe attraction to her because of who her ex-boyfriend is. i don't even want to talk about this. her seeking me out for company makes me uncomfortable and in some way does not feel genuine. i don't mean that in a hurtful way because she is a very kind person. i don't want to be used or pulled into her drama though so i am playing very distant and unavailable to her approaches. i feel though like i am becoming more and more rock solid...

i really need to figure out a way to get my shebang together. i float so mindlessly through my days, waiting for an hour where i am free to get as focused on doing something, my writing, my photography... and there are so many distractions and excuses... that i allow to slip in. at home, the only place i can do my photo editing i am distracted by the energy of the other people. i do not know how to settle that down. i guess it will have to come to keeping my door shut and keeping music playing loudly so that i will not hear the sounds of the other people moving in the house. that is what i think i need. to forget that the other people are there and feel that i am alone. if they need me for something they will have to really disturb my concentration. it is the ghost-y sounds of footsteps and whispers in the distance that distract me from getting into super-concentration modes. i also need to figure out some other rituals to help me become focused.  if i could do three things in th...

do i feel more alone now? knowing that there is no one that can spy on my writings here? no, i do not. do i feel less invaded upon? less creeped out in the being looked at but not being to know by who feeling that is genuinely psychically a real sensation? yes. that i like very much. am i bored? maybe a little but that is inconsequential. i'm no more bored than i've ever been before. what is different now is that there is no longer the element of "oh, look at me. i'm so sad and lonely. won't you feel sorry for me? won't you come play with me?" now that has to go. i am going to be forced to stop acting and feeling and thinking that way because i no longer have a public stage to wallow in those feelings on. no more twitter either. i don't know if i need to delete that account. it's good enough to just stop twittering. it's so inconsequential anyway, the interaction there. so what has been going on in my private mind today. somethings came toget...

Okay, so i just turned off the settings for public access to this blog. That means unless I turn the settings back to public, or set up a list of individuals that can have access, no one will be able to read what i write here. I like that a lot but at the same time it scares me a little bit. It scares me because I've just given myself permission to really break down the walls in how i talk out loud to myself here. I want to treat this more like a diary now than i have before. I really want to start to find the courage to let my thoughts and ideas and feelings come more out of the corners of my mind and soul so that i can get to know myself better? is that what I mean that I want? I think so... I know I am still afraid to say things though, just because I'm afraid to admit them. to myself. it's like saying certain things is letting them breath life that they did not have before. there are things i am afraid to admit and right now, because of the crossroads of this blog now...

Daryl Ebneezra Kadabra   11671  pageviews  -  794  posts, last published on Sep 12, 2011  -  29  followers

i've been known to threaten things. and then go through and do them. and this might be another. since i've discovered the joys of having a private blog and truly being able to freely say what i want with no fear of what the silent eyes that read this blackboard on the universal sky think. i've become so liberated. the whole quitting facebook has given me such a new sense of self worth and all i do on this blog is talk out loud to myself in a toned down manner that i feel is safe to keep potential readers from realizing how crazy i really am. this blog has always been for my own therapy. it's not a blog to educate or inform the world about my opinions on topics of any import. so yeah, it only makes sense that if i want/need to keep the world from being able to pry in and scrutinize my life and activities the way they were being done in facebook (which really creeped me out), the next logical thing to do is stop letting anyone read these private thoughts of mine. since Bl...

i don't think it would have mattered if i were still in the facebook or not. no one includes me in music chatter anymore at all. i think there is only one person in the world that even knows that i live for iggy, and he is pretty much dead to me. so today when i get the announcement from bandsintown.com that iggy and the stooges are playing in san francisco tonight and tomorrow night - my heart hit the floor but i was not surprised, and i have no instinct left to try to muster the strength or courage to buck up and go into the city tonight. i don't know what to do anymore to bring my music life back to life. other than do what i do, sitting in my room and listening in private to the webs. i miss the experience of live music so, so much. i saw iggy once. 1977. Old Waldorf. San Francisco. front row (festival), face to face in his sweat. some experiences/memories aren't meant to be relived i suppose.

i wish i could tell you about the other project i'm working on. i'll say this much, that it's a writing project and that i'm doing things with it that i've never done before. some experimental exercises to help me get deeper "into it"... and it's been a struggle, and fun, and last night, well let's just say that i got a pretty significant breakthrough with it after suffering from some frustrations... sadly, it is writing that i do not think i will ever be able to share with anyone. what i hope that i will be able to share is the output that these exercises are preparing me to become able to write in the upcoming months. that, would be wonderful... the time and light is starting to show evidence of the seasons shifting, and i am so glad. i just wish that there was some kind of reversal of the personalities of the seasons though. that autumn was the season when people enjoyed being outside and that summer was the indoor time of year. if i could be ...

Watch ""Hour of the Wolf" Trailer" on YouTube Watching this to get the fires fueled. Later I'll go into town for some serious rumblings.

the weight of time, the weight of your flesh, the weight of your deeds... they will all bear their brunt upon you at some point during your stay upon this plane of existence. whether beings in other dimensions also suffer from our sorts of gravity or not, i do not know. i think we are given reason to believe in a mythology that angelic beings suffer from longing in eternity and that's a type of time where there was no beginning nor will be any end. did god just create angels out of the blue, in their full blown form? how cruel was that? that they could not experience birth and growth and aging and death like those that they watch on earth do. no wonder they are jealous of our existences and look longingly over us in our resting places when we are buried in the ground. really, that's the only place we see embodiments of angels. the only other place is pretty much in religious paintings, and statues in museums. which are somewhat wastes. i mean, i get the religious iconography. t...

some things are still out of synch and i can only think that more blood and air flooding my brain would help remedy this. i saw an image yesterday of someone floating in a green ocean, somewhere and it totally transported me, in just a second's time, to remembering what it felt like the last time i was in the ocean, and how much i loved the sensations... and how addicted i used to be to the freedom being in the ocean gave me. that i used to go to the beach as many days of the week as i could when i lived in santa cruz, even if it just meant getting into the water for for 10 minutes. even in the depth of the winter, on bitter cold, dark days i remember putting on a wet suit and going out on the boogie board to be around the other men, to float on the current. it was so soothing and grounding. i really miss that a lot. god i wasn't expecting to go this deep back into those memories just now from talking about that memory. just brought me to the verge of tears, i feel it's so ...

i have no place to be today where there is a corner that i can sit in and shut out the ugly american world around me today. it's a holiday so even though most of the working people in my corporate ugly town are not flooding my cafe at this early hour, the flamboyant touristy types are flooding the place, and there is NO corner here that i can sit in with my back to them all. i have TROUT MASK REPLICA playing loudly in my earbuds, so that casts me partly into another realm, but the visuals around me anchor me to the fact that i am NOT in Paris. ahh, Paris... will i ever meet you in person? Craig Ferguson did a wonderful week long visit to Paris with his Late Late Show last month and he took the amazing young actress Kristen Bell with him. God, what an old man's fantasy that is for me... ahem, so I've got a little bit of cash in my pocket right now, enough exactly to buy a passport. i said that already, yes? so this week i'm going to start the application process to na...

i did something yesterday that made me feel really good. i just wish i felt inspired to do it more often. and that i could afford to do it more often.  i bought a dress for someone. i do remember actually buying a dress one time for someone. my last girl friend. i had no money and bought her a cheap, hippy dress in an import shop in santa cruz, as a going away present. i was never going to see her again and felt obliged to give her something. she was always so vocal in her expressing her true thoughts and said that it would work as a "house dress", suitable for "cleaning days"... i was not in the routine of buying anyone dresses, so did not know better how to find something, how to know about sizes, how to know what someone would find appealing. it was a "do or die" situation... well, weeks later, because i did take offense at her comment, i saved up money that i would have spent on beer and bought her a really classy silk dressing gown out of the Victoria...

is when the weird get weirder... this was the last snap i shot in the cemetery yesterday. i shot a great piece of video too but the setting on the camera was set to low resolution so no one is going to see that. it just means that i have to go back this evening to shoot it again. properly. the day has been uncomfortable so far. try as hard as you can to hide and avoid things in life that you don't want to face, energy from places outside still creeps in. all the same, it's been very low key in comparison to how bad it could have been and my mind is rather at ease. my plans for tonight have changed. i just can't see going to a baseball game alone. and until about 3 hours ago i had no idea of who i could possibly have gone with. now i know who i could have gone with and i will possibly ask him about going with me to a REAL baseball game to see the Oakland Athletics play, sometime in the next two weeks. no, for today's celebration i need to be in my power place. i...

so i left the house with plenty of time to make it to berkeley in time for the google plus photo stroll meetup. i fixed my hair. i wore a cool t-shirt. i was in the mood to hang out with new people and do something different. but i left early enough to grab a sandwich and stop off in my cemetery for a short bit first. the cemetery is on the way to berkeley, so it was a good plan, i thought. i ate my sandwich. shot some video for a friend who is thinking of visiting the area later this month for a photo shoot. realized that there were actually some leaves in the trees turning colors... got the camera out and took some photos of them for my mom. then realized that i did not know how to use the macro function on my lens settings. weird. so i got the manual out and read up on it really quick. apparently, each different lens has different focal length capabilities and have different macro nearness settings. i did not know this. i think i had only ever tried to shoot macro with my 50mm len...