there are things a shiftin'...
i wish i could tell you about the other project i'm working on. i'll say this much, that it's a writing project and that i'm doing things with it that i've never done before. some experimental exercises to help me get deeper "into it"... and it's been a struggle, and fun, and last night, well let's just say that i got a pretty significant breakthrough with it after suffering from some frustrations... sadly, it is writing that i do not think i will ever be able to share with anyone. what i hope that i will be able to share is the output that these exercises are preparing me to become able to write in the upcoming months. that, would be wonderful...
the time and light is starting to show evidence of the seasons shifting, and i am so glad. i just wish that there was some kind of reversal of the personalities of the seasons though. that autumn was the season when people enjoyed being outside and that summer was the indoor time of year. if i could be as busy with my photography and shooting new models during the autumn as i was during the spring and summer i think that i would get so much better art. everyone starts to lose energy and interest in being outside during these months though. they all want to cocoon and hibernate, rather than be outside. i shouldn't say "all" because that is an exaggeration. i will find some models. but the whole plateau of synergy has come down a few degrees. even for me. i'm in a bit of a frazzled and burnt out mood right now.
i'm still going through my adjustment period with the non-facebook lifestyle too. only three more days until my old account is completely deleted. i've had a couple of thoughts pop into my head that "maybe i should log back in" to save it. after all, it took so long to meet all those people and develop all those friendships. "isn't this sad?" but i have literally only received 2 or 3 messages via email from any of the 500+ people i was connected with in FB asking "did you delete your FB?". so that just goes to verify for myself at least that FB does not make the world go around.
i have been a loner before, and i'm rather proud to say that i'm proud of what a good loner i am. being a loner is my super power. if i were not a loner i'd be a weakling schmoozing up to people looking for approval, and really, i think for the most part that is what FB was all about. it was two things really. it was high school cliques all over again, and it was cocktail party schmoozing. activities i never blossomed at or benefited from at any time in my life before. that i was given a false sense of acceptance and approval there, and believed that, really makes me sort of disappointed in myself.
and i really do feel like i've freed myself, my mind, my heart up for some major new developments in my life. i never got the real kind of help i needed from people in FB. not the kind of help that i've ever thought that having friends would give you. i mean, i've never succeeded at making friends with people that i felt i could call upon for help. not real help. not life saving help. not the kind of help when you feel like you are dying and cry out saying, "man, i'm in so much pain... let's do something fun together to help me get over (or forget) this." i've never had friends that i can tell how much i hurt when i have hurt. when my marriage broke up, i was the most alone i have ever been in my life and none of the people that knew me the longest in my life were anywhere to be found, or even knew what was going on in my life. i literally sat alone in the empty apartment i had shared with my family for weeks after they moved out. i didn't even seek solace in the company of strangers in a bar during that period of time.
now i am strong though. now alone-ness is my super-power. i don't expect to meet new people. if someone approached me and tried to show interest in me and acted like they liked something about me or said, "hey, wanna hang out?" it would be like they were speaking in Martian to me. i would have no practiced way of how to react. now, contrary to everything i just said, a young woman i got talking to on Google + about a month ago did actually approach me in this sort of way, and i did react in a normal human manner. i was delighted by her smile and her friendliness and we had one, really good, long conversation together. and she has made it sort of apparent to me that she likes me and is available to me to keep an open ended conversation going with. i am afraid of that though. i am afraid of my weaknesses being seen. i am afraid of my negativities being seen. i am afraid of not being as nice and friendly to her in an ongoing manner like i appeared to her that first time we spoke. so yeah, a lot of my problem is my own being unpracticed at spending time doing this kind of thing with a person. also, she is married to who seems to be a really great guy and she is an amazingly attractive, young redhead. i'm afraid of developing a crush on her. so that is part of why i am distancing myself from her. she has told me that she wants me to photograph her though...
i think that is all i want to talk about now.
the time and light is starting to show evidence of the seasons shifting, and i am so glad. i just wish that there was some kind of reversal of the personalities of the seasons though. that autumn was the season when people enjoyed being outside and that summer was the indoor time of year. if i could be as busy with my photography and shooting new models during the autumn as i was during the spring and summer i think that i would get so much better art. everyone starts to lose energy and interest in being outside during these months though. they all want to cocoon and hibernate, rather than be outside. i shouldn't say "all" because that is an exaggeration. i will find some models. but the whole plateau of synergy has come down a few degrees. even for me. i'm in a bit of a frazzled and burnt out mood right now.
i'm still going through my adjustment period with the non-facebook lifestyle too. only three more days until my old account is completely deleted. i've had a couple of thoughts pop into my head that "maybe i should log back in" to save it. after all, it took so long to meet all those people and develop all those friendships. "isn't this sad?" but i have literally only received 2 or 3 messages via email from any of the 500+ people i was connected with in FB asking "did you delete your FB?". so that just goes to verify for myself at least that FB does not make the world go around.
i have been a loner before, and i'm rather proud to say that i'm proud of what a good loner i am. being a loner is my super power. if i were not a loner i'd be a weakling schmoozing up to people looking for approval, and really, i think for the most part that is what FB was all about. it was two things really. it was high school cliques all over again, and it was cocktail party schmoozing. activities i never blossomed at or benefited from at any time in my life before. that i was given a false sense of acceptance and approval there, and believed that, really makes me sort of disappointed in myself.
and i really do feel like i've freed myself, my mind, my heart up for some major new developments in my life. i never got the real kind of help i needed from people in FB. not the kind of help that i've ever thought that having friends would give you. i mean, i've never succeeded at making friends with people that i felt i could call upon for help. not real help. not life saving help. not the kind of help when you feel like you are dying and cry out saying, "man, i'm in so much pain... let's do something fun together to help me get over (or forget) this." i've never had friends that i can tell how much i hurt when i have hurt. when my marriage broke up, i was the most alone i have ever been in my life and none of the people that knew me the longest in my life were anywhere to be found, or even knew what was going on in my life. i literally sat alone in the empty apartment i had shared with my family for weeks after they moved out. i didn't even seek solace in the company of strangers in a bar during that period of time.
now i am strong though. now alone-ness is my super-power. i don't expect to meet new people. if someone approached me and tried to show interest in me and acted like they liked something about me or said, "hey, wanna hang out?" it would be like they were speaking in Martian to me. i would have no practiced way of how to react. now, contrary to everything i just said, a young woman i got talking to on Google + about a month ago did actually approach me in this sort of way, and i did react in a normal human manner. i was delighted by her smile and her friendliness and we had one, really good, long conversation together. and she has made it sort of apparent to me that she likes me and is available to me to keep an open ended conversation going with. i am afraid of that though. i am afraid of my weaknesses being seen. i am afraid of my negativities being seen. i am afraid of not being as nice and friendly to her in an ongoing manner like i appeared to her that first time we spoke. so yeah, a lot of my problem is my own being unpracticed at spending time doing this kind of thing with a person. also, she is married to who seems to be a really great guy and she is an amazingly attractive, young redhead. i'm afraid of developing a crush on her. so that is part of why i am distancing myself from her. she has told me that she wants me to photograph her though...
i think that is all i want to talk about now.
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