THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

 Today is the first day of the current Mercury Retrograde, and I must say, the turmoil attributed to this holiday has lost its sting in my life. Whatever the universe wants to toss into my court, I'm ready for it. Although, true to MercRetro's characteristics I was awoken by 3 different people trying to baffle me with confusing communications... haha, so classic, but I just breathed my way thru it all and rode that bronco like a champ. On my walk here to Starbucks, I listened to Lorie Ladd's weekly communication where she's revealing more personal stories about her life. The first thing she's talking about is the loneliness that she's experiencing. I feel her struggle, but I no longer suffer from that. Loneliness, that demonic creature used to torment me terribly. I spent decades in the throes of wrestling with it and it sucked so much inherent joy from my life. I never thought that struggle would end. But it did. Lorie's struggle is almost laughable to me b...

 First off, I'M IN THE LIBRARY CAFE enjoying coffee and danish. The ritual begins!! I'm here an hour later than I was on my last visit, but that's ok! I'm my own boss, I can set my own hours! Well except GOD really is who my boss is and I work according to his urgings and musings inside my heart... I'm just glad both of my bosses cooperated and got me here today!!! I made a surprising discovery over the weekend. MY TWITTER ACCOUNT is NOT suspended or closed, the way that I thought it was... about 8 months ago I received an email from Twitter saying that I had violated terms of service and that they were shutting my account down and that I would be prohibited from ever making a new account. I had not been using Twitter since the pandemic began and KNOW that I never posted anything controversial in the slightest degree... when I read that email I was just like, well this is the weirdness of the world now, and accepted it. A few days ago I was asking a friend about con...

 I found God when I was 14 years old (1973). Or, God awoke my awareness of ITSELF when I was that age. I wasn't looking for God but somehow, I was ready to be awakened and flooded with God's love at that point in my life. Just 2 years after the death of my father, perhaps, this was God's way of interceding and protecting me before I could seriously get lost. Sadly, I still ended up getting seriously lost when I turned 18. 5 whole years of devotion to God, of being flooded with God's Grace, of developing visions of how I wanted to impact the world through becoming a missionary of God's love to the world, what a miraculous time that was. But it was shortlived.  When I turned 18 I went away to college and the shock of being out in the world on my own thrust the unresolved pain of the loss of my father back into my face. Despite all the associates I spent time with in high school, I was programmed to be a loner in this lifetime. (I'm still a loner to this very day.)...

I have not felt the October-spirit of Halloween for a very long time. Other than driving around neighborhoods with my mom to look at how other people decorated their homes, I have not participated in Halloween activities since my son was a young boy. This is not because I do not enjoy this holiday and this season. It's because of a lack of connection I feel with other people that I can share the experience with. I don't dress up on the 31st. I don't give out candy. I don't make my house look haunted (it already looks haunted, and probably IS haunted). And I don't go to Halloween parties. I don't think I've ever been to a Halloween party. So there's that... Contrarily, I pretty much celebrate the spirit and energy of Halloween-ish things every day of my life. I watch at least one horror film or paranormal TV show a day. I love being in cemeteries. I do rituals to heal my dead ancestors. I'm fascinated with gothic art and symbols of death. I spent a ...

maybe moods are seasonable. and i'm not talking about SAD . because i just came through one of the most wonderfully mooded dark seasons (winter) that i can remember. this winter fed my motivations. no, i'm talking about them, moods, having their own schedules of necessity. that there needs to be a time of sadness, a time of gladness... that they balance each other. and mabye this is just something inside the experience of the bipolar. i don't know because i don't really know what moods regular people go through. if i had not started taking the seroquel again last week how much longer would my mood of positivity continued? indefinitely as far as i could tell. as i feel now, i want to put my camera away for a good long time. i think the "Cemetery Girl" project has come to an end. i know i said this in an earlier post. i'm just reaffirming it now. there have been a total of 5 models from ModelMayhem that i have cancelled working with. better than them canceli...

an old friend and regular reader of my blog responded to my last blog entry via personal email. i share her thoughts here anonymously. i will respond to her questions/thoughts as openly as i can. I feel that part of our relationship is that you expect me to be honest with you. In that vein, please know that I ask these things because I do love you, my friend. Why don't you marry again? You assume that people know or understand. This could be a way of denial to yourself and to your friends. Why not state it - no flowers - no extended prose - just a flat and simple statement like "I have not found the right person" or "I am afraid of failure" or "I don't think I deserve it" or whatever. Come out of the closet and out your feelings without maudlin. Wow. Come out of the closet, ok. In simplest terms, I simply have not found the right person. It is a harder answer than that though. My marriage ended 19 years ago and I have only had one "serious...

I went to the Dirk Fest show at the Great American Music Hall on Friday night and had a really good time. I got some decent photos too. I should write this post at another time because my energy is really flat and I'm bordering on a depression. I made some notes while waiting for the show to start Friday night. I'll post them later I guess. About the final realization that I had about the time I spent attending Mabuhay Gardens between 1977-79. That the music set me free but that as far as an attempt of fitting into a social movement, it failed me. I walked in alone and that last night I ever went there, I walked away alone. Friday night I felt that same aloneness. I recognized no one. No one spoke to me. I hate this quandry about my life. Wanting to be a friend/associate/member yet still, I walk the streets alone. Now, this is not entirely fair to say because Friday night before the concert I phoned my friend Rita, who lives on Bush Street in SF, about 4 blocks away from the Gr...