THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

okay, this is going to be a rant. i know it already and i am so glad i have this privacy to say what i want to say with no fear of anyone reading this. i don't want anyone to know how i am feeling or what i am thinking. even though nothing is entirely private. it's all illusions. i've played out a pattern of behavior in my life that i now recognize for what it is. that doesn't make sense, but give me a chance. there is something i keep doing, over and over, and each time i do it i end up not getting what i want. the thing that i want must either be unattainable, or ill thought, or i go about seeking/pursuing it badly, or i have really bad luck with what it is that i end up attracting to myself. all i want is someone to hang out with. someone to do fun and innocent things with. go to bookstores with. go to cafes with. go to movies with. go on drives to explore places with. the things i do by myself, i just want someone else to hang out with to do these things with. i...

i printed off a copy of my completed nanowrimo from 2010 so that i can read through it and start to make notes and scratch outs and changes. on reading the very first page i see a great thing. that the idea i had in the very beginning, of writing the story about a man that is dying and trying to write a testimony of what has brought about his demise - well, it looks like in the span of two nanowrimos i actually did it! i did not lose the thread that i imagined from the beginning. there may be some structural elements that need adjusting. for one thing, the first nano i did this thing with counting down the days 30-1 until the end of the month as chapter headings. and i did not do that for the second nanowrimo. so that has either got to change by dropping the countdown from the first nano or there must be someway to sprout from the end of the first one into the second one and make it work. anyway, i'm trying to figure out how to start the process of going through the pages (and pa...

i had a feeling all the month of November that this time i wanted to really finish this novel, finish it for good. not wait till whenever  to eventually get to it. and i think i'm closer to living up to this feeling than i thought possible. it's the beginning of January and my ambitions are shifting. i still love the photography. need to do the photography. but my ambition for it to be something that will make me money, or save me is dying out. well, i still think it is something that can save me because i still get so much joy from the creation of the imagery, but i do not have professional ambitions or skills that will take me out of my obscurity. and i have, i hope, genuinely started to move into a path of dissolution of those desires. by not socializing with photographers anymore, and by not pushing my work out there to be seen, its coming down to just being something i do for myself. i have a very strange friendship right now. i'm friends with a person that is so (...