THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

 So hey! I've applied for 2 different jobs in the past 2 days!! And I'm beginning to feel a tinge excited about the prospects. Although, I am also trembling a bit from fear that my resume shows too damaged of a persona for anyone to want to hire me... I have not heard anything from Whole Foods yet... Almost 2 full days have passed... I know that is not much time, but with all of the company's hoopla about how eager they are to hire new people, I anticipated being contacted immediately. One of my fears is that I have been blacklisted by the company because of how I quit my job (on the spot) when I worked for them back in 2015. That fear is part of what made me think and fear for all these years that they would never consider re-hiring me... during other phases when I felt curious urges about going back to work there again... Anyway, maybe I'll get a call from them tomorrow. Then today I applied for another "security guard" position in San Ramon. It's listed...

 A sure sign that I'm getting good sleep is being able to dive deep into REM sleep reveries where many dream landscapes are explored. This happened this morning and I want to jot down a couple of the scenes while they are still fresh. The first was in an unidentifiable landscape, no location or country could be discerned... I was walking along some elevated water canals that traversed a green hilly area. There was no water visible, they were enclosed similar to the water canal at the Secret Sidewalk in Fremont. That is actually a very good visual queue, the green hills that are starting to appear in our area now... But these canals in the dream were very high. A few of them I was able to jump down from onto a lower passing by a canal which led a different direction. They sort of laid out a maze of pathways and I had no destination in mind, I was just wandering. Until I walked along one canal that was way too high for me to jump down from. At that point in the dream, I faded out and...

with my nerves on edge about today's photoshoot, which primarily were based on dread of the drive into downtown Chicago, i had trouble sleeping last night. i fell asleep to early and too hard and was wide awake at 3am. so i fussed for a while with the tv and then tried to read more of succubus blues, thinking it would help activate a visitation from my mystery visitor from the morning before. it didn't work, and in fact started to foment some discontent in this writer's style of story telling. concluded that i'd probably toss the book before i gave it any realistic chance of winning me over. anyway, i finally turned off the television and turned off the lights and curled up and closed my eyes tightly. slumber started to pull me back inside. then an interesting thought broke in. instead of waiting for the succubus to come to me when she was ready, maybe I could make an attempt to invite one of my multitude of female associates i work with to come to me, and just lay bes...

at a cross roads now with this decision i need to make about the seroquel. if you read (or saw) the article i posted earlier about antipsychotic medications causing brain damage, you can fully appreciate my decision to not want to use seroquel anymore. you may also appreciate my standing that it is something i never wanted to go back on in the first place. i NEVER liked that drug. in just three days of taking it i have felt a slight recession back into a quiet, dark and hidden place inside my psyche. i'm feeling a little less gregarious than i have been of late, but i'd even say it borders a little on feeling on the fringe of depressed; body has less energy, spirit is looking inward rather than outward. not feeling sad, just have less spark now. what has happened though is that i am sleeping longer than 4 hours at a time AND i am dreaming . you know, dear reader, how i love my dream time. i'm waking up from dreaming now and feeling an instant desire to sit down and write my...

i'm not afraid, that is not why i agreed to do what she asked yesterday. she has been harping on me for months now to take just one pill. one pill to satisfy her worries. one pill to put a hook into me is what it seems like to me. she asked me yesterday if i were "hiding information" from her. about my condition. whether i was having "swings". i said, "no, i am not lying to you. i am fine. i just don't dream anymore." i started taking Tylenol Night Time tablets about two months ago because i was going so long on just 4 hours of sleep a night. and it wasn't because i was tired, or working too many hours to not be able to get enough sleep. 4 hours felt like enough sleep. i knew that was a bad sign though. yeah, i started taking the TNT several months after not having any Ambien in my system at all. just out of hunger for a dream. last time i saw her though i also told her i was having trouble concentrating. that WAS a lie. i can concentrate as we...

TEASER: to read the entirety of this very long blog entry you must follow this link to the blog itself. once there, you can listen to music with the new FineTunes player i installed, watch video previews of the upcoming movie SUPERBAD, and leave tags on my new tag board. you can also check the status of my webcam - which i am turning on an awful lot this week. i slept strangely this morning, emotions and body felings affected by the places my dreams took me. fell asleep between 2:30 & 3am and woke up around 9:30. it is so nice to be dreaming again but it is strange how the places we visit andthe things we see ourselves do in our dreamworlds can affect the way our emotions feel when we wake up. i think the overall experience i had in the three or four somewhat epic dreams i had this morning was of rejection. 30 minutes ago as i came out of these dreams i debated how much personal detail i would reveal as there were real life characters in the dreams, and now that i am sitting here ...