THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i'm not sure. realllly not sure. other than i've lived through experiences. time has passed in which i've done things. were the things i've done worth the energy expended. sure they were. i lived as much as i was capable of. have i progressed? tonight, sitting here in my room, still alone, it really doesn't feel like it because i have not gained or achieved what i've pursued. and if i give in to these feelings and thoughts for too long, i'm gonna start to do over what i always do. let myself get depressed. not sure how i'm gonna figure my way out of this one, because i do know that things have changed. i did better this time in this friend-making than i did last time(s). and there are other friends that i have, who had for some time been lost, who have come back. i just don't have the one amazing friend that will rely on me like they will on no other for their own peace and satisfaction. am i going to start looking for another? or reconsider othe...

silence no more. i'm sorry not telling you this story before now. i mean, i've alluded to it and given peeks into it over and again during the past 2 1/2 years... sometimes here in this blog, other times in private blogs which i may at some time make public. but now i need to come more clean about what's been going on inside my heart than ever before. i'll still dance around coming right out and saying things clearly, it's just my style of being fancy in revealing the truth. forgive me for that, but bear with me and persist with reading, i want you to know and understand better what my plight has been like. i am a lover. i do love life. my life is not the best life i could have lived but i see the balance of how what works and what does not work adds up to make a perfect experience. we need pain to be able to appreciate pleasure. there is light and darkness everywhere. it mingles and bleeds into each other's realms all the time. is light equivalent to love? is...

And I am less prepared than I've been, perhaps ever to start this month long dive into literary abandon, oh muses of mine. And I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about not being prepared, or psyched, or inspired... i am inspired and i have a general sense of trust that i will be led into the chapters that need to become revealed about life here in Danville with our unhappy young lady. i touch base here with you, my angels, my beauties, my touchstones to the deeper places where the font of my imagination waits to be penetrated and dipped into... i know you are with me, i know you want me and need me to do this.... so let's get on with it, eh? thank you Francesca, thank you Clive and thank you most of all Eugene. yours, darko

i've been keeping secrets for too long. not writing here, perhaps it's what has caused me to lose connection to my inner flowing stream that keeps everything unified. i used to write here the most when i was most alone with myself. over the past two years i've been engaged with activities in the physical world and psychic world with another being that has given me more of an illusion of NOT being alone, and i think it's served me with less benefit for the course of where my soul is destined to end up than it's helped me. i'm glad it happened, don't get me wrong. even in the least fulfilling types of experiences, i'm able to find some sort of contentment. the encounters i've had with this other being were never full, or satisfying. they were always just a form of temptation and offered illusions of greater things that i dreamed of experiencing. whether my ability to conjure greater satisfaction out of the resources that were available to me was my o...

I used to dream about travelling. Mainly during my teenage years I became infatuated with visions in my mind of going to faraway places to see the marvels of architecture and history and natural beauty unlike what is found in the area where I live. Not saying that where I live does not have it's own features of architectural, historical or natural beauty to espy, it's just that there are so many other places that you learn of where incredible things have happened, where incredible structures have been built (or were built and now lay in beautiful ruins), or where there are marvels of nature so different to the area where you live, you develop a desire to see these places in person. To experience them first hand. To have a, "I've seen it, now I believe it's real", type of experience. I used to dream specifically of seeing Paris (truth be known, I still dream of seeing Paris), the ruins of Athens, the Scottish Highlands, the Fjords of Norway, and oddly enough,...

i've been working on writing this novel that i was first inspired about back in 2005 for 8 years now. and i'm getting closer and closer to the end of the story. this month of July is another opportunity for me to sit down for 30 straight days and knock out a big chunk of it during a period of #nanowrimo writing madness; the main way i've accomplished getting any of the writing of this novel done. sometimes the writing is very inspired and just flows out of me... other times, like tonight, i get stuck. and i'm not sure why. i have not been stuck like i am tonight in a very long time. i'm so stuck i can't even think of saying more about being stuck.

sometimes there is just no explaining things. that last entry that i wrote was one of the most crucial and brutal experiences i've ever gone through in my entire life. a relationship like none other. and i really believed that i needed to, and was, going to die. well, i'm here now and it's July. i was going to be dead by the end of May according to how I felt being separated from my muse-girl. time continued on and did it's normal erosion-like thing of bringing about natural change. that which is strong and true will survive, and that which is corrupt and false will fall away. remarkable transformations have occurred in the life of my muse-girl over the past month. somehow a spirit of fiery truth has gotten into her and she is no longer able to settle for living with people who torture her with mediocrity or lies and falsehoods. Her longtime boyfriend has reached a position of intolerability and she has left him for the last time, with no feelings that she'll ever...

someone please come bury us... that's practically what it feels like should happen. two full months have passed since my last entry here where I spoke about the digression of my wonderful friendship with my muse-girl, and even though i refused to give up, in my mind, or with my actions, my heart link stayed connected to her, well now it is all severed. there is only memories and ashes. she has ground me and all of my hopes of ever having any esteem in her eyes to crushed bone beneath her iron-studded boot heels. she hates me. i, in one sense and one sense only, have given up the fight right now. and that sense is because of her how blinded she has become to any of the light that does exist inside of, between us. i know it is still there. i feel it. it will not go out. i have not lost my love for her or my belief in her or us. but i am in such a dismal state of self-worth right now because of how she has ground me to believe that, in her opinion i am nothing but a source of damage...

i've never felt anything like this happen before. not exactly like this because i don't believe it. okay, wait. i've been through a divorce. i was married. joined solidly by the heart to someone after living with them for 8 years. whether you fully love a person during times like that or not, there is attachment and the tearing apart of such attachment hurts. i remember hurting, a lot when that happened. my friend, my best friend that I could communicate with such truth to has just told me that she does not want me as a friend any longer. that she is unable to bear the negativism of how I have behaved, of how I have treated her. that i've become a foul tasting thing in her life and memories. i acknowledged my sins. but when i tried to remind her of good memories, there were none that arose in her mind, the blackness of my miserableness was too thick for her to see through. now the strange thing to me is, that despite this casting out... i do not feel a separation in...

just want to document that my dear friend had the strongest break in her spirit occur this week, during the time that i've known her, at least. was it an emotional breakdown? by medical terms? i don't know, but by all other signs, yes, she broke down emotionally. she was so heavily burdened by a thousand tons of emotions that were crushing her heart and soul and she was fighting with her mind to stay alive, to find a way to keep alive to keep on living. I've never seen such determination in anyone , ever. At least not in someone I've known personally. she entered the hospital about 50 hours ago to get emergency care and i don't know when I'll hear from her again. i get snippets of info through the grapevine but until i hear from her directly i won't truly know how she is doing. it's a real turning point, in so many ways for her, but it's also a point where she is going to be taken deeper into the realities of having to deal realistically with all the...

Forgive the negligence of my habit here. The gaps in time break the story flow so badly sometimes. The last entry should have been followed up within 3 days with the news that the silence we fell into ended. There is a force at work between us greater than our shallow thinking that overwhelms our confusions that helps us heal our misunderstandings and brings us back to union. We are once again stronger than before, yet there are still obstacles in the way that make it difficult for us to be as close as would most powerfully benefit both of our lives. I'd have to read back through my entries here, or in my other blog(s) about what my former predictions were about when she and I becoming a pair, an actual couple. Because now, more than after any of the previous breakups she's been through I have a resurgence of conviction that despite how strongly she still denies the possibility, and despite how much I have surrendered my own imaginations to her disbelief that we could ever b...

i have not written here in a very long time for a few reasons. one has been that i've been so full busy of the doings of my life that i've had no time or reason to contemplate or record my activities and thoughts. another reason i've stopped writing is because many of the activities i've been engaging in of late are no one's business but my own and my closest confidantes, and my suspicion has been aroused that there have been new readers of the blog that have cast judgement upon myself and other's close to me. that suspicion has led me to take steps to relocate the blog. whether that will hide it or not well enough, i do not know. why I do not just turn the blog entirely private is because i cannot write in this confessional manner that i enter into in these entries unless i have the sense that i am speaking before a wide open audience, as if i were in the court of God. in a private room, i would feel too scrutinized by my own observations to let myself speak fr...