THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

had a slice of chocolate cake and a hot cup of ginger tea and feel a short burst of brightness to utter a few words. i had another appointment with my psychiatrist last week, and well, my arguments of defense to stay off meds failed. rather than my arguments not being strong enough in logic, i think it is that my powers to defend myself articulately have become weakened. psych appts are brief to begin with. i feel like my ability to argue broke down several appts ago when i began to complain about not being able to sleep for more than 4 hours straight. so guess what? she recognized that my main complaint from the meds she's had me on was that i was becoming depressed and incapable of participating in my normal activities; like photo shoots and covering concerts and working on my book... so she decided to allow me to take an antidepressant; Lexapro. But no antidepressant without also taking a mood stabilizer. you won't believe what i agreed to try again - i still can't beli...

really not doing well. have a ticket to see one of my favorite bands of all time that are playing in san francisco tonight, apocalyptica, and i have decided not to go. i am in physical pain and feel so locked up emotionally from a lack of anyone to talk to. do you know what it feels like when you go for months and months and months without having anyone to just shoot the breeze with? when you have no one to talk to about how you are feeling on a daily basis, no one to talk to about things that interest you, no one to do things with that interest you... you get used to silence, you get used to believing that this is the way things are going to be forever, you become less of a believer that things will ever change, and sure, you become bitter. you become less willing to be frank when someone asks you how things are. because you don't want everyone to think that you are as big of a loser as you seem to be, as big of a loser as you feel you are, believe you are... blah, blah, blah, i k...

les jours shitty sucent l'Ass. que ce n'a pas étée une bonne semaine pour moi il tout a commencé par aller au chiroprakteur la semaine dernière. il a fait à ceci des ajustements de miniscule à mon épine et le crâne avec ce nouveau dispositif qu'il a d'abord I pensé lui a senti très bon - pas trop invahissant et moi ne l'avait pas vu en un certain nombre de mois ainsi était heureux de ne pas obtenir a fendu tous à l'enfer le jour suivant bien que mon dos ait blessé plus mauvais et à une chose étrange commencé pour se produire. mon humeur a décalé. le démuni i a senti n'importe quelle dépression pendant un certain nombre de mois où j'ai même étés limite maniaque mais pas de n'importe quelle manière dangereuse ou unmanagable plus la chose je mauvaise avais éprouvé a été une incapacité de dormir plus de 4 heures à un temps que le problème avait continué pendant des mois. bien, cette semaine passée l'humeur a arrangé dans des trains plus traditionnels...

Today is the birthday of a very prolific author named Iris Murdoch . She was born a long time ago and lived quite a long life. She wrote very many books ( one of which moved me deeply), loved a lot, drank, had affairs, and probably left the phone off the hook too so that people wouldn't bother her when she was able to work. Hell, I'm talking through my hat as I don't know these things about her, as facts, at all. I imagine that she lived a full life though because she was able to write about full lives . She had a deep and powerful mind because she was also considered to be a philosopher. Well, it struck me today that next year, 2008, I will be turning 50 years old. Not so fast, I know, I have to turn 49 first (and isn't there a theory that our bodies rejuvenate cellularly every seven years or something? so next year I'll be getting a brand new body, right? don't think it will matter.) Last year I had a very strong inspiration to be a sexy and robust 50 year...

this is the last posting i will send automatic email notice alerts to. unless you respond to this notification and specify that you want to continue to receive posting alerts i will remove your email address from the mailing list. there are a couple of you i already know need to receive the notifications and i will leave your names on the list ( Jeff M. & Robin S.). my reasoning is that if you only read my postings from the emails you do not see what is happening on the actual blog page. photos, videos, music - other changes. ok? now on to what is important. life is always new, isn't it? i ran into a very new experience of so-called-life last night, yet it had an old taste to me as well. i'm so exhausted emotionally and physically i can hardly even bring myself to describe it to you. god, my mind is just jumping from "beginning of sentence" to a different "beginning of sentence" to start to tell you the story but i can't decide what to tell you first...

This life has been one in which i am allowed tastes and dreams of pleasures of love but have been predominately denied dining on full meals. the potential of another experience of intimacy with a beautiful soul has been yet again stolen away from me. really, i am not a bad person. i would testify that before god on my day of judgment - yet there must be myriad minuscule weak thoughts and ill decisions that build up within my persona that makes me rub people the wrong way. Today, in one fell swoop i've stepped (or fallen) outside of the lives of about two dozen people who i have nothing against, who i actually really liked very much and enjoyed the presence of greatly. but external scrutiny has weakened my self opinion and i no longer have the strength of character to try to fit in or be liked. My display of magnanimous characteristics was mania fueled, and now that fuel has burned itself out. my normal man, my power being, my depressive and isolating twin-self needs to take co...

looks like the Yankees are not going to the playoffs. at least i am not the only loser today. at least they are out playing the game though. i started to take more Cymbalta 2 days ago, so now i am up to 40mg a day; 20 when i wake up and 20 at dinner time. and for now i am in the throes of adjusting. which means i feel really lousy physically, and emotionally. fine time for it to happen to as this weekend is sock-full of great things i could be out doing. tonight at the ashram is the annual celebration of Muktananda's mahasamahdi , the biggest get-together they have of the year. and i feel no inclination to attend at all. in fact, i've been in bed all day and will go right back there after i finish writing this. two other things that are happening are literary events. the main one is in Danville, just 5 miles away; The Eugene O'Neill Festival - there are talks being given all day by professors and authorities and i would have loved to have attended these, especia...

i am posting this at school so i don't have access to any of my personal photos of Clive and myself, sad to say, my connection with his energy is rather weak right now. my personal writing is at one of it's weakest ebbs. i don't know why my link to my inner words is broken. it must be that i don't have anything that i believe in anymore. i will go to the cemetery tonight. i will light candles tonight on this night of the full moon and this evening of the first rains of the season. i am wearing my power talisman from Ellen today. i am depressed, its true. pdoc told me this afternoon to increase my Cymbalta dosage to 40mg. let's see what that does. i am sorry Clive that i did not remember that yesterday was your birthday. i owe so much to you. well, i'm editing this post since i first wrote it. that is in fact the picture i was talking about. and lapse brain that i am, yesterday, the 5th of October WAS in fact Clive's birthday. later last night i...