THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

strange thing happened today. on the spur of the moment i decided to leave the house with my laptop. at first thought that i would just go to the dublin library because it is a place that i have worked at before, with little distraction. but for some reason i decided to drive by my old starbuttz and see if there by chance was a table open for me to use. and there was! i walked right in and was able to obtain my normal table with a cushioned bench. i guess the nice weather is driving people outside. and that was at 1pm when i got here. it’s now 3pm and the place is more full. i guess i lucked out. the thing floating around in the back of my mind to do here is pull my writing back out of it’s trunk. my current writing project is my nanowrimo novel from last november.  i’m into the next chapter now, something i haven’t even looked at since april. it is really awful writing. and there is so much that can be edited out. not sure how i’m going to decide what to do with it. i want to ke...

do you have 10,000 of something that you’ve created? i have 9,980 things i’ve created. and they are all in one place where they can be experienced. that number changes daily though. it’s increasing. and i don’t put junk there either. every one of those 9,980 things are creative expressions that go through my personal standards of quality. that’s the way art is, isn’t it? the artist is the ultimate judge. i’ve created art before that i’ve hated. or at least felt such a rage of emotions stir up inside of me that i couldn’t stand to look at it. (this instance was during a drawing class i participated in for only two sessions when i lived in Mendocino back in 1980. and because of what happened there i will never take a drawing or painting class again, the self revelation was so powerful it frightened me.) i ended up burning the things i drew. well, and then i pissed on the ashes. i produce a lot of photographs. because it is easy for me to. if i could write as easily as i can photograph ...

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wondering tonight if i should abandon all faith in people as companions and go the way of Jesus. the dude had to be the loneliest person that has ever lived, yet he is reputed to have been the one guy that believed in everyone he met to the utmost. did his loneliness sting? was there room in his heart for it to hurt? was he entirely clueless that people didn’t dig him? is that the way to make it through this world? believe the best in everyone despite what they reflect back to you? if you can’t have a good conversation with yourself who else is going to listen…? and that time on the cross… was he smiling on the inside? because he still believed the best in everyone? despite the fact that everyone abandoned him? i think that is what i will start doing. yet, by myself. you can’t be a friend to someone in the real world that doesn’t have time for you. in my mind though, i can adore someone to the utmost and they can’t do anything to stop me. ok, now i feel at peace.

hienoinen muutos tapahtuu, ja olen alkanut sulkea oma avata oviaukkojen ja psyykkinen tutustua ihmisiin. Olen ollut tunne valtava valua energian, fyysinen ja emotionaalinen äskettäin, ja ainoa asia, että on järkevää minulle on se, että olen pakotettu avaamaan kanavia osaksi minun psyyke on menetelmä saada ystäviä minulle. se vain ei toimi, yrittäen saada ihmiset haluavat olla ystäväsi. on olemassa kaksi ihmistä lähellä pintaa elämästäni, että olen sulkemalla kaikki pääsy välittömästi. ei keskustelua, ei enempää sähköpostit, ei tekstitystä, ei enempää kerjäämässä ne viettää aikaa minun kanssani. että se on periaatteessa mitä se tulee alas. Tässä vaiheessa en välitä, jos en koskaan kuule niitä uudelleen. online Olen Oikaisujen liikaa. kaikki paikalliset ihmiset, jotka liittyvät lukion menin, että i Lisätään ystävät kohtaavat kirjojen Olen poistettavaksi. jos et puhu minulle, et saa lukea minulle. se menee syvemmälle though. Uskon, että on olemassa todellinen porttikäytävä, joka on aloi...

YouTube - Iggy Pop - King Of The Dogs (1)

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sinking... rising... floating... (morbid much?) this is an old blog of mine (circa 2004). i no longer have the ability to log into it, so i'm basically logging access to it here, so i don't lose it again. i used to write A LOT more openly about my thoughts. click through the archives for samples...

Look like a woman, Dressed like a lady. Talk like a baby, ooh-ooh, Love like a woman, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh, you, Ow! Ooh, you. Walk like a woman, ooh-ooh, Sing like a blackbird, ah-ha. Eat like a hungry, ooh-ooh, Cook like a woman, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh, woman, oh-oh-oh. Ow! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, Ooh, you. Look like a woman, Oo-oo-oo, dressed like a lady. Oo-oo-oo, talk like a baby, Golly, golly, golly, golly, go, go, ooh. Love like a woman, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. Ooh..... ~ Sir Paul McCartney ________________________ He makes “her” sound so simple, woman , doesn’t he. Today “woman” seemed simple to me too. A pretty dress. Somewhere special to be. “Sinatra” was in the air and on everyone’s mind. So many deep thoughts and revelations flittered through my mind today. Too many to make sense of in writing. It was a great show and a ...

i am not anti-feminist in the slightest. not until my home is threatened by forces, theories and ideas that make me uncomfortable or worry that the demise of my psyche is being plotted that i start to panic. and panic is my bellwether that something foul is stirring afoot. i know nothing about the events and outcomes from last nights party, and if it stays that way for a very long time i am happy with that too. just let me do what i need to do to keep my own emotional state intact. regardless, here are the fruits of my labors today. i signed up for this online animated slideshow service called ANIMOTO.com and these are two shows i made in less than two hours time this evening.     otherwise, going to take my mom to see a ballet tomorrow afternoon in San Jose for Mother’s Day. then I need to chill out a bit and rest these legs. everything else is fine. no worries.

there would be no drama in my life. so i have this book publishing party to go to tomorrow night. i want to go, about 33%, NOT GO 77%. so i’ve been trying to set up a anti-sabotage tactic to actually get me to go, because I SHOULD go. but going to an event like this is like walking into a blazing fire to me. against my nature. i asked a friend to go with me. that would make it easier, right? Right? i chose the best “friend option” i have going but i end up talking myself out of trusting that she’ll actually go with me. yeah. THEN i rescinded my offer to her and me, Mr. Honesty, told her why. any normal dude would have made up some kind of lie, right? funny ending to this story, up to the minute at least is that i asked a different friend to go with me instead of first friend.  thinking that second friend would not stir same mental crazzy thinking in my mind. she agreed, but then called me around 9pm to say that she has to go out with her husband tomorrow night instead. it’s his bir...

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although the results from the potassium portion of the test were bleak. doc said that i was at such a low level that i needed to get an uptake of potassium into my system so quickly that if i did not go to the pharmacy next door immediately to get his urgent prescription filled he was going to send me to the e.r. to get it put into my body intravenously. i told him, “Of course I’ll go to the pharmacy and get the pills.” He then said, “Not to scare you, but with your potassium as low as it is right now, YOUR HEART COULD STOP.” I’m not shocked by anything he tells me anymore. He also ran tests to determine if I am diabetic or not. One of those results you’d almost like to turn out positive because then I would at least have some answers to what is going on right now and it would give me some vision to start working with to make some changes. I will call him later this morning to find out the results. FAV VIDEO discovery of the day today. A band I do actually enjoy listening to ...

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Two upcoming photo shoots are taking on a new direction. My next two Cemetery Girl shoots will be of women that want to have their photos designed into Blurb.com books so that they can be given as gifts to their father’s. Pretty exciting development, eh? Who knows where that development may go. Also, I’m in negotiations with two women that want me to photograph them for promotional materials that they can use to advertise their artistic/creative careers. More on that later. Interesting bit of news from the San Francisco Public Library . Starting today they “will offer a new service for cardholders to download digital media from the library's collections. The service will allow cardholders to browse and download the library's collection of thousands of digital audio books, eBooks, movies and music to their own computers.”  Seeing that I am a cardholder that rarely uses the libraries services because I live so far away, I am definitely excited about checking this out. Oh, and...

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Here is the latest addition to my "Cemetery Girl" collection.

i got a hold of a pre-release copy of this (from Ground Control) and on just one listening must say i love this new direction he's going in. (just another reason for me to obsess about France, too!) i'm going to check the book he mentions out of my library. only one copy in the entire Contra Costa County library system and it's sitting on the shelf in Hercules.

1. Today was a pretty full day for me. Drove to Fry’s in Concord to get another Jabra blue tooth earpiece because I lost my original one. I have never owned or used a different earpiece than this one. It works so well and is so cool looking too. Plus, I got my original one on sale at Fry’s for only $15! The one I got today cost $20. The next price range for any earpiece started at $50. Glad I still got some kid in me and LIKE looking cool. Stopped and bought some ingredients for dinner on the way home. Cooked two recipes from this book; Cardamom and Lime; Recipes from the Arabian Gulf. I picked the book up off the new book shelf at the library yesterday, partly because some of the recipes looked really tasty and easy to prepare, but also because the photography in the book is so eye catching. Too bad the low-res images at Google Books don’t give it justice. I cooked the “breaded chicken kebabs” (pg. 49) which were a lot of fun to make and also the “red lentil stew” (pg. 74) whic...

1. Just going to ramble a little bit tonight. Just said goodbye to Billy. He goes back to Ireland in the morning. He said this was a difficult visit for him because he was under so much demand from his old friends to spend time with them. I only got to see him 4 times in the 10 days he was here. Billy is a very powerful spiritual warrior. He draws no line in the sand when it comes to loyalty to people he cares about. He spent time with several old friends here that he used to get high with to be of support to them. Three friends in particular he mentioned who still have drug problems and suffer from depression. It breaks his heart I think to see them but he is such an encouragement to them to see he still cares about them. And he spent a lot of time with his old church people in Oakland; Arthur in particular who is the pastor of this church he used to attend over there. And Virgil, his longest term friend from his youth. People just love Billy. To see him, listen to him, be around ...