i'm really going into a dark place...
i'm starting to feel a little more frightened each day as this experiment progresses. my natural tendency is to isolate. the social networks got me to talk and interact but it just felt shallow and unnatural to me. and now that i am not "out there" where people had to be forced to choose to listen or ignore, i am finding that most people won't seek you out. one person sought me out recently. last week. a woman. a nice woman that lives locally. she seems to have a desire of some sort to connect with me, but i don't feel a safe attraction to her because of who her ex-boyfriend is. i don't even want to talk about this. her seeking me out for company makes me uncomfortable and in some way does not feel genuine. i don't mean that in a hurtful way because she is a very kind person. i don't want to be used or pulled into her drama though so i am playing very distant and unavailable to her approaches.
i feel though like i am becoming more and more rock solid in my status as independent and lone. i have less and less sense of interest or curiosity or missing-ness of companionship as each day passes. seriously god, it will take an amazingly powerful person to come along to break into my protective hidden world. and where someone will be able to find me is going to be harder and harder to be.
okay, here is what i was thinking about last night. by pulling in my consciousness from the online worlds it is somewhat like doing a meditative practice of going "inward" as in meditation. by reserving my energy and thoughts from being wasted "out there" i can pull them inward for direct, powerful active actions. this is a good theory but until i make some sort of structural change in both my thinking and physical habits/routines that also reflect a new attitude, it will not come to full power... a real transformation needs to occur.
i'm so good at thinking something like this up but it's so hard for me to carry through and really change over and make it happen. i think i can do it though. it may be slow, and it may not be as grandiose as i would like it to be but even subtle changes and adjustments that bring about noticeable enough improvements in my behavior and productivity are good.
there is a force of entropy working against me though. time and gravity and depression gyrate into a dynamo that rather than revives me wears me out and down. i am slowly grinding to a halt. there is a little bit of revival in each new day but overall i see less days on the horizon for finishing the things i want to do, rather than there being enough.
it makes me think that i should make harsh decisions about my creative activities. i make wishy-washy statements over and over about my writing and my photography, that the photography distracts me from writing... well, maybe i should just really quit the photography so that all i can do is the writing. if i were to get rid of all of my camera equipment then i would no longer be able to spend time doing that. and if i wanted to do anything creative anymore i would have to pour that energy into the writing.
i have already developed this idea that photography has reached a pinnacle of being overdone in the world anyway. and i've wanted to start my own revolution about my own work. and really, this month i feel so ready to just stop and never do any more shoots again. my body is just so tired. i know these feelings of physical fatigue will pass once the heat of the summer starts to wear off... but thinking these things in my own head, with no feedback from outside minds gives me power to make powerful, stupid decisions.
i feel though like i am becoming more and more rock solid in my status as independent and lone. i have less and less sense of interest or curiosity or missing-ness of companionship as each day passes. seriously god, it will take an amazingly powerful person to come along to break into my protective hidden world. and where someone will be able to find me is going to be harder and harder to be.
okay, here is what i was thinking about last night. by pulling in my consciousness from the online worlds it is somewhat like doing a meditative practice of going "inward" as in meditation. by reserving my energy and thoughts from being wasted "out there" i can pull them inward for direct, powerful active actions. this is a good theory but until i make some sort of structural change in both my thinking and physical habits/routines that also reflect a new attitude, it will not come to full power... a real transformation needs to occur.
i'm so good at thinking something like this up but it's so hard for me to carry through and really change over and make it happen. i think i can do it though. it may be slow, and it may not be as grandiose as i would like it to be but even subtle changes and adjustments that bring about noticeable enough improvements in my behavior and productivity are good.
there is a force of entropy working against me though. time and gravity and depression gyrate into a dynamo that rather than revives me wears me out and down. i am slowly grinding to a halt. there is a little bit of revival in each new day but overall i see less days on the horizon for finishing the things i want to do, rather than there being enough.
it makes me think that i should make harsh decisions about my creative activities. i make wishy-washy statements over and over about my writing and my photography, that the photography distracts me from writing... well, maybe i should just really quit the photography so that all i can do is the writing. if i were to get rid of all of my camera equipment then i would no longer be able to spend time doing that. and if i wanted to do anything creative anymore i would have to pour that energy into the writing.
i have already developed this idea that photography has reached a pinnacle of being overdone in the world anyway. and i've wanted to start my own revolution about my own work. and really, this month i feel so ready to just stop and never do any more shoots again. my body is just so tired. i know these feelings of physical fatigue will pass once the heat of the summer starts to wear off... but thinking these things in my own head, with no feedback from outside minds gives me power to make powerful, stupid decisions.
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