a new muse must be amused...
okay, so i'm feeling a new idea pull together about how to get my senses to pull in their straggling, wavering indifference's about how to be serious about what is going on these days... how's that for a blur of meaning and intent... so here is one thing that realllllly bothers me, and i don't know if it's a mirrored reflection of my own personality and the energy i put out as a person and an artist or what. it must be, but why it works this way i'm really not sure. a mystery of life i guess... i keep asking models if they want to do some new work with me. and everyone says, "yes" and "soon" and "i'll get back to you", but soon never comes. i am either only asking indecisive and insecure models to work with me, or i am equally radiating an air of indecision and wishy-washyness. i mean, i'll confess to that for sure because i have been feeling wishy washy over the past few weeks. without confident and energetic desires coming back from collaborators though, it's impossible to make plans. and i think this goes to show that a lot of the responsibility rests on the photographer to make shoots happen. if the photographer does not keep full energy on the plan for a shoot to materialize, because in essence, it is the photographer's dream and vision, it can just fade away into nothing...
right now i've got at least half a dozen shoots that are on the verge of fading into nothingness... some of them were going to be great too. others were half-spirited to start with and i don't care that they are gone. i'm feeling a need to pull my energies inward though and to quit thinking so largely. don't need to be doing a dozen shoots anymore. don't need to be thinking large for next years book anymore. right now, next years book is not a dream or a plan. right now i just need to think about what may happen, what can happen next month. next month when i sit down to do my month long writing project. this is what i must come to understand. this is the enlightenment i need to experience.
so here is the sequence of thoughts i'm having... last night i got a burst of inspiration about writing the nanowrimo about the photo shoot i had with Wenchi. the story about Katya and Julia Morgan. pulling back into the past where the energy of that very day, when she and i were together and we generated that inspiration together. i can pull from the memory, i can pull from the real energy that happened that day. i could also do this with the energy of the days of shoots such as i had with Grace Robertson. her shoot was extremely inspired. a story was not conceived that day but i could conceive one, easily from studying her images... and here is what i am thinking now. to prepare myself for the month of november. to give myself one last burst of inspiration before i go into the month of writing. have one more shoot. one last shoot, with someone reliable. with someone inspirational. with a true muse that will infect me with delight and mirth. and i know who she is. Miss Bunny.
i was earlier having some mixed emotions about how i would conduct my next shoot with her, because i had some very specific ideas in mind about what i wanted to do with her, and when i expressed them to her she balked at them. that led me into some insecure thinking that i might not be able to work my will with her sufficiently enough during a shoot to get her to relax and be expressive enough, or just have fun with me during a shoot and let me get the real spirit out of her that i need/desire/hunger for. that was a few weeks ago when i was having those qualms though and i think now i've some how let them burn out of me. now i think i can go in with her and just be myself with her and not have any demands or expectations...
i'm reallllly tired though. and weak. and in pain. and not up to full strength for a good, powerful shoot with her. not the way I want to be, should be. if i try to schedule with her late next week, i have time to recuperate some good feelings. go to the hot tub, do some stretching. i just need to get through 3 hours with her. yeah, i think i'm ready to ask her. let me think a little bit more tonight, pray, energize, send her some good vibe energy so she'll start to feel that i'm ready, so she'll feel ready. then i'll write to her tomorrow. yes, i think this could be really good.
okay, good job Darko!!
right now i've got at least half a dozen shoots that are on the verge of fading into nothingness... some of them were going to be great too. others were half-spirited to start with and i don't care that they are gone. i'm feeling a need to pull my energies inward though and to quit thinking so largely. don't need to be doing a dozen shoots anymore. don't need to be thinking large for next years book anymore. right now, next years book is not a dream or a plan. right now i just need to think about what may happen, what can happen next month. next month when i sit down to do my month long writing project. this is what i must come to understand. this is the enlightenment i need to experience.
so here is the sequence of thoughts i'm having... last night i got a burst of inspiration about writing the nanowrimo about the photo shoot i had with Wenchi. the story about Katya and Julia Morgan. pulling back into the past where the energy of that very day, when she and i were together and we generated that inspiration together. i can pull from the memory, i can pull from the real energy that happened that day. i could also do this with the energy of the days of shoots such as i had with Grace Robertson. her shoot was extremely inspired. a story was not conceived that day but i could conceive one, easily from studying her images... and here is what i am thinking now. to prepare myself for the month of november. to give myself one last burst of inspiration before i go into the month of writing. have one more shoot. one last shoot, with someone reliable. with someone inspirational. with a true muse that will infect me with delight and mirth. and i know who she is. Miss Bunny.
i was earlier having some mixed emotions about how i would conduct my next shoot with her, because i had some very specific ideas in mind about what i wanted to do with her, and when i expressed them to her she balked at them. that led me into some insecure thinking that i might not be able to work my will with her sufficiently enough during a shoot to get her to relax and be expressive enough, or just have fun with me during a shoot and let me get the real spirit out of her that i need/desire/hunger for. that was a few weeks ago when i was having those qualms though and i think now i've some how let them burn out of me. now i think i can go in with her and just be myself with her and not have any demands or expectations...
i'm reallllly tired though. and weak. and in pain. and not up to full strength for a good, powerful shoot with her. not the way I want to be, should be. if i try to schedule with her late next week, i have time to recuperate some good feelings. go to the hot tub, do some stretching. i just need to get through 3 hours with her. yeah, i think i'm ready to ask her. let me think a little bit more tonight, pray, energize, send her some good vibe energy so she'll start to feel that i'm ready, so she'll feel ready. then i'll write to her tomorrow. yes, i think this could be really good.
okay, good job Darko!!
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