THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

this is the last posting i will send automatic email notice alerts to. unless you respond to this notification and specify that you want to continue to receive posting alerts i will remove your email address from the mailing list. there are a couple of you i already know need to receive the notifications and i will leave your names on the list ( Jeff M. & Robin S.). my reasoning is that if you only read my postings from the emails you do not see what is happening on the actual blog page. photos, videos, music - other changes. ok? now on to what is important. life is always new, isn't it? i ran into a very new experience of so-called-life last night, yet it had an old taste to me as well. i'm so exhausted emotionally and physically i can hardly even bring myself to describe it to you. god, my mind is just jumping from "beginning of sentence" to a different "beginning of sentence" to start to tell you the story but i can't decide what to tell you first...

This life has been one in which i am allowed tastes and dreams of pleasures of love but have been predominately denied dining on full meals. the potential of another experience of intimacy with a beautiful soul has been yet again stolen away from me. really, i am not a bad person. i would testify that before god on my day of judgment - yet there must be myriad minuscule weak thoughts and ill decisions that build up within my persona that makes me rub people the wrong way. Today, in one fell swoop i've stepped (or fallen) outside of the lives of about two dozen people who i have nothing against, who i actually really liked very much and enjoyed the presence of greatly. but external scrutiny has weakened my self opinion and i no longer have the strength of character to try to fit in or be liked. My display of magnanimous characteristics was mania fueled, and now that fuel has burned itself out. my normal man, my power being, my depressive and isolating twin-self needs to take co...