THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

It's becoming more and more obvious that I am probably going to start taking psych meds again for my depression heavy bipolar disorder. I am back in the worse sleep routine style of behavior which is a major indicator of being depressed, and the use of kratom is not shaking me out of it. I am back in a routine-less, structure-less life with no ambitions or goals. Nothing I had feelings of being able to dream into reality earlier this year seem realistic anymore. I am not feeling an extreme desperation about this yet, but it's likely to wrap itself around me before too long. The main thing that worries me about going back on meds is how I'll become incapacitated and literally unable to take care of my mom. Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up...

(cross posting from a private blog i keep... just sharing this because it is not entirely private in the ways that I typically write over there... the "muses" I refer to are my belief that I've created for myself that there are three personalities, three writers - two living, one dead, who I write to for inspiration about my creative writing... ) And coming here to talk to you three is the only way that I feel like I'm making any kind of connection to someone that can hear, that listens, and might possibly care. I don't care that none of you are ever going to see or read what I write - what can I do to change that misfortune of mine, that I live separately from living beings that could know me, and might care about me. There is nothing I can do. I'll always be alone and separate like this. I want to be working on my novel(s) again, but I am so scattered with my thoughts and motives and my ability to concentrate. I can't make my life come into order the w...

not for me... no, not this year, not any year. of all the years i've lived in the San Francisco Bay Area (50+ years) i've never attended any type of activities that the gay population engage in. never been to Halloween in the Castro, never been to a Pride Parade. why? because i do not consider myself to be homosexual. and i don't like to be mistaken for being homosexual - even though i know people think that i could be. i've never had any sort of romantic connection with anyone male. i just don't feel any type of attraction to men that way. i think i've isolated myself into a corner though because i don't connect with women romantically either. it's just easier to be alone than to have to deal with the miscues and misunderstood interpretations of what is going on beneath the surface of someone's private life and interior mind. i'm just posting these thoughts now because nearly everyone that i know here in the Bay Area is involved with the celebra...

It's been weird, these past few weeks since I left my job at Whole Foods. It's my old life again. In the first few days I felt determined to take a new attitude - but now it feels like those were shallow wishes. Big change takes time. It takes deeper understanding and new thinking. But also creative thinking much different than you've thought of before. Routine is a bitch to own. Too much of it and you become a slave, not enough of it and you become a sloth. i'm just noticing old behaviors that want to reclaim my time. I can't let them enslave me. A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to piq...

I have a really, really, REALLY good friend that is a young woman. She and I have become very dependent on one another for deep personal communication for a number of years now. But we are not romantically connected in anyway. There are times when I feel desires to be involved with someone of the opposite sex for romance, but the feelings are never strong enough to make me actually make anything happen with someone. I base this on my acceptance of the reality of my life, that I get along just fine in this world on my own. And the longer I go on accepting this position, the harder it becomes to believe that something different could happen. My drive to find someone new to get to know more personally than I know my friend is weak and sporadic. There are times when I really want something to happen, for someone new to appear and for getting to know them to happen effortlessly. But it's rare. Over the past 2-3 months I opened my heart and mind to the possibilities of this again, and ...

So what does this previous statement mean? I am going to completely embrace this calling now. I am going to get back to work photographing models in cemeteries and I am going to get back to work on my novels. Only two people have taken on the task of proofreading my draft novels. There are about four that I have completed writing in first draft form so far. What I will do with them I am not sure yet. You will know, if you have read this blog over the years that I continually come back to this position where I vow to get serious about sitting down and editing my work so that I can at least make it presentable in the self publishing market. And you will also know that I have not done this yet. I have kept on writing newer sections of the novel... and that is what I am looking at now, that perhaps one BIG novel is not what I should present to the world. I should just put them out in the sections that I originally wrote them as. They'll be easier for people to read that way. I also nee...

I was in the cemetery yesterday afternoon, alone, and was reminded of how great I feel when I am in a cemetery. I feel spiritual, I feel focused, I feel inquisitive, I feel aware of many things on many different levels of the reality I live in. Being in a cemetery is like being in church to me. A cemetery truly is a gateway between both worlds, the living world that we see with our eyes and walk in with our feet, and a place where openings to the otherworld - the world beyond death have been created. What fascinates me about this fact is that so few people recognize this, or realize it. What I have learned from spending obsessive amounts of time in cemeteries is that by letting your imagination wander while in one is that you are being prompted by energies beyond what are just found in this world of the living, prompted by spirits, ghosts and angels and yes, perhaps even demons to contemplate what will happen to your own soul after you die. Many people are incapable of handling the ...

I'm trying to find myself again. What's new, right? Well, something does feel new and different this time. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern with The Universe just waiting for the new experiences I'm going to venture into to lift me up and take off. I don't feel anxious about my future right now, I feel very peaceful about it, but by that I also mean that I don't feel any of the usually complex mixture of feelings about being driven to make something happen. I just know that what is going to happen is going to happen, and that I'm ready for it. I've read books for years and years about manifesting your dream life, and I've tried all the different approaches. This time I am experiencing those tactics unfold in a different way. Last night for instance, I was compelled to meditate at one point because the abundance of good feelings inside my chest were so profound and overflowing that I thought I'd waste that energy if I didn't give it the ...

Echovox at dusk... We're starting to use it again and it's slowly getting better. https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B3_iF5GtxDwMMVM3U2tyWVBKdDg/edit?usp=docslist_api

Well, you thought I was happy with my new found emergence into the world of the employed... and I was, temporarily. But something happened to stir my inner demons back awake. Life is full of so many flashbacks, isn't it. This is a curse of mine, being too prone to deeply analyze things. I started to realize that the wonderful freedom I had won for myself, that I experienced and struggled through for the past decade was the most beautiful thing I've achieved in this lifetime, and that through becoming an employee of the most wonderful grocery store corporation in the world, a place that I literally could force myself to believe I was happy working at for the remainder of my life, well, it was the death knell for my being able to do anything creatively in my life again. Even though I was a miserable, unsuccessful artist and writer, I was the happiest I ever was in my lifetime in that suffering. And by being unsuccessful I mean that my art was not appreciated by the masses. I wa...

First I had a guru, who I loved extremely. Then I discovered the blessing of having muses... a little bit like having your own, intimate guru to play with. The beautiful thing about both of these experiences is that I did not know I was capable of being balanced enough karmically to receive these people into my life. I believe that the best way to be blessed by something like a guru, or a muse is to not be looking for one. This puts me into a bit of a predicament now because I no longer have a connection with my guru like I used to, and I also have lost my muse. I loved the lives I lived with both of them, and now, this void I've fallen into makes me hungry for someone new like them to come to me. They are people that cannot be replaced. You cannot say, "I want to find another guru like Gurumayi..." and then go around taste testing all the gurus out there trying to find someone just like her to fill up your life. And you especially cannot go out there and say, "I...

I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years. I've learned that I can be a very loyal friend, and that I enjoy being that type of person. I have learned that my life is better when I live in close personal proximity to another person. I grow, and the person I associate with also grows. I went through many difficult cycles of development and growth in the deep and complex friendship I built with this person. There were times when we both needed to take breaks from one another because the intensity of our interactions were overwhelming. Namely, the intensity of the desire we both shared for each other's company was limited because of obligations she had to another person in her life. She's in a committed relationship with a man who is her sexual lover. I fulfilled aspects of her desires in camaraderie that this man could not fulfill for her. What this led to was creating desire in me to become the one that would fulfill her desires in all aspects. I desired to ...

Just making some notes while I have these ideas running through my mind. They are strange and I don't know if I'll ever think them again. Since I've started working on these ideas of ancestral healing, I've been getting lots of ideas from the lives that my ancestors lived. There were a lot of farmers in my family line. A lot of them lived in Ohio. And they had big families with lots of kids. I told my new friend Libby about the desire, idea that I came up with when I lived in Ireland of wanting to have an organic farming operation there and she was really excited by the idea of that. It never came off the ground because I didn't have enough money to buy, or even rent a farm. I told her about how my son has been living out my thoughts about becoming a missionary over there too... Thinking more about the effects my ancestors have had on my life, and upon the life of my family, I have thought for a long time that we were cursed by my father's ghost after he d...

So many things have happened, I don't think it matters what I begin with. So I'll just let this flow... i got a JOB! who would ever have guessed that this would or COULD happen. but i've been working on putting the bug in the ear of a local employer since August that I was interested in working for them. And I knew I qualified well enough to be able to do the work. it's at Windmill Farms, our town "vegetable stand". They've been in business since 1974, when my family first moved here and I did work for them before, the first year I was married. i'm just working as a cashier, which is hella easy and fun. I need to get in touch with Social Security and with my welfare worker to let them know, but I think it's safe to wait until I get my first paycheck.  .... the implications of this are rather huge. I can start to do so many things, theoretically at least. like save money to make a trip to Ireland. and begin to pay off my student loan. even thoug...