each day that passes, i know, by logic, that i'm closer to my end. what frightens me though is how i find that there is a mixture of how i am orchestrating my end, both by my own actions, thoughts, and deeds, combined with the mechanisms of how the universe around me operates. it's a dance of death, this life. i can't believe i've lasted as long as i have. and more than ever i'm feeling greatly tired of being here. i hate pornography. if i were a mercenary i would hunt it down like a despised politician and assassinate it i hate it so despisedly. It's ruined me as a lover in this lifetime. pure truth. i lie not. it's been a curse upon me since i first discovered copies of dad's playboy magazines that were hidden in the garage when i was a boy. a fascination and fear of women was instilled inside of me that made it forever impossible for me to have natural occurring experiences with women. I once had a naturally occurring experience with a woman, but I ...
