THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i met my new psychiatrist today. she was a very pleasant and caring youngish woman, from Russia i'm told. she had no qualms about my desire to not use medications, so that is a relief. at the worse i was expecting her to say that if i took no medications she would not treat me at all - like that last p-doc i was a mental/physical/emotional slave to insisted. so overall i feel good about this development. this also means that i will still be able to retain the services of my GP, although i'm wondering if he still has a hidden agenda with me that he is yet to unveil. on other fronts, we (Gigi and i) are getting closer to our departure dates for Ohio and the Chicago area. we leave the last week of August and will return around 3 weeks later. i think while we are on that trip i will write a travel journal here in the blog; so that may be of more interest to read than my blog has been for awhile. i only know of one person in the Chicago area (a Flickrite) and i am going to see if he...

yes, his films changed my life.

I was first introduced to the films of Ingmar Bergman when I took a film class at Diablo Valley College, way back in 1977. I was given access to the same visions of a bleak world lived in by characters in touch with true emotions, the same as hundreds of thousands of other film students were around the world, and well, Bergman's vision touched me on very deep levels. I may add more to my thoughts in this posting later. I just wanted to send out a signal that I too am saddened at this great auteurs passing. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ingmar_Bergman

Hall of Ghosts Originally uploaded by daryldarko i phoned up a Flickr buddy yesterday and told him i wanted to come photograph his cemetery in San Jose. me: "Hocker, it's Darko." matt: "Come on down!" See all the photos here .

strange shifts in my consciousness are starting to stir... i checked out two books from the library that deal with old beliefs that i used to harbor about GOD and prayer. i used to be a fierce believer in the Judeo-Christian God - was raised that way and followed the orders of the human leaders of that/those organization(s) until i realized that i was being brainwashed/coerced/dumbed-down by their interpretations of scripture and their not-so-humble yearnings for personal popularity and a hunger to control others. i broke free from that structure at around the age of 31 years and found another religion to play out my mental addictions within; Siddha Yoga. i went from believing in one god to believing in a multitude of gods. frying pan to fire? anyone? anyone? well, it was a good cleansing experience. after 10 years in that organization i became sick to death of "god" and took the logical turn towards agnosticism; the strawberry field where we are free to say ~i just don't...

i think this was my third night without straight without Ambien, and well, my dreams are improving - intensifying. dreamed twice this morning. i was very close to pulling out a notebook and jotting down the dreams upon waking this morning, but i'm not quite focused enough yet to start that regimen. also, i should have attempted to record these dreams long before i am now doing so. it's been 8 hours since i woke from the last dream and memory of the first is all but gone. so i will tell you about the second dream first and maybe the other images will come back to me. i was in Ohio, driving down a street with my mother. this could well be a projective, future memory dream because as our plans stand now, we will actually be visiting Ohio in about 5 weeks. it was not a street that was familiar to my actual memory from times past in this life; it was a soul memory of a place. Gigi (the name that I call my mom) was the first to see "the house" and said, "That is -such ...

i didn't take any ambien last night and fell asleep, as usual of late, around 3:30am. i woke up 4 hours later, got out of bed for about 5-6 hours then laid back down when the Giants game came on tv. fell back asleep and had the following dream. i met this woman that i took library classes with last autumn, somewhere, and she asked me to take her to see the baseball game. the game was in San Diego and it seemed that we only needed to drive a short distance to get there. last November when i first started shooting photos again, this woman, her name is Jenna was the first person i asked to model for me. she played real coy with me but in the end never agreed to let me take photos of her. in the dream i had my camera with me. inside the arena she led the way to the lower level so that we could be closer to the players on the field. i took my camera out and took a couple of photos of her while she wasn't looking. she did notice though and glared at me with a mean expression. the dre...

i've been reading about the year 2012. the date the culmination of the Mayan calendar will occur is December 21, 2012 - 5 years, 5 months, and 1 day from today. a lot of people have been saying a lot of things about what this means for a long time. apocalypse is one term that recurrs in their descriptions. death and birth is another concept tossed about. not that life on earth will entirely end but that maybe there will be a lot of death, there will be spiritual death, things are going to change on large scales, politically, ecologically, socially... and these changes are supposed to accelerate as we get closer to this date. i think it is something worth taking into personal consideration. well, the events of every day are worth taking into consideration aren't they? there is another, more immediate countdown i'm facing; 17 days till my next appointment with a psychiatrist. i am debating whether i will consider going back on meds. first impression with this new pdoc will ...

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/12/NSG3IQ8VBU1.DTL dang! it's been up since last week and i didn't even know... i mean, i knew it was going to happen but not when. now i have to try to find a copy of last weeks hard copy to see if it is there too. Powered by ScribeFire .

i decided this morning to not attend the Polyphonic Spree concert tonight at the Great American Music Hall. just not feeling physically able for the intensity of standing from 6pm till midnight. i have not been eating much lately and my potassium is low again; thus lots of muscle cramping. i feel little regret for not seeing this show despite the fact that i really looked forward to it being a great photo op and also a bit of a rejuvenating and spiritual expereince. the Spree are the most magical band out there right now methinks. i was able to sell the ticket (at a discount to the buyer) via craigslist this morning so i will think magically about this and believe that there is more benefit in him seeing this show and that in my staying home, i will experience some sort of magic. i'm reading this pretty fascinating book right now called " 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl" which is starting to click for me some deeper understanding about things in this world and my own li...

i just found a new movie that defines my life. one of the best friends i've ever known in this lifetime, Don Eike, said shortly before he died from AIDS that in his next life he wanted to come back as a lesbian. i agreed with that sentiment up until i watched this movie tonight. now i want to come back as Steve Buscemi. i think that aside from ascetics, children with terminal diseases, and heartbroken suicides, actors have the best chances at achieving nirvana in life. and Steve Buscemi is like a zen master. today was not a great day. in fact, i came across some very scary thoughts... visual images. this movie, and these characters breathed a little life back into me. enough to make me think that i should at least spend a little more time offering up some clues to whats been going on. well, there are some clues in recent Flickr items with song lyrics. this Buscemi character, "Seymour" though tells tons. well except that he got lucky. (if you don't see the videos above...

Today is the birthday of a very prolific author named Iris Murdoch . She was born a long time ago and lived quite a long life. She wrote very many books ( one of which moved me deeply), loved a lot, drank, had affairs, and probably left the phone off the hook too so that people wouldn't bother her when she was able to work. Hell, I'm talking through my hat as I don't know these things about her, as facts, at all. I imagine that she lived a full life though because she was able to write about full lives . She had a deep and powerful mind because she was also considered to be a philosopher. Well, it struck me today that next year, 2008, I will be turning 50 years old. Not so fast, I know, I have to turn 49 first (and isn't there a theory that our bodies rejuvenate cellularly every seven years or something? so next year I'll be getting a brand new body, right? don't think it will matter.) Last year I had a very strong inspiration to be a sexy and robust 50 year...

i've been busy. not doing anything that makes much of a difference to the world. AND NOT WRITING. feast your eyes though... (click images to go to online sets) i do have a couple of short story ideas i want to play with though. one is about a man that has lost contact with his three best friends from high school. he finds them via internet research and looks them up. turns out that all three of them have become government spies over the decades since they last had seen each other. it is through the efforts of the lone man to redevelop friendships with these three that it is discovered what government secrets the other three hold. and to further find that they are working on schemes to dissolve the government of the United States. (copyright Daryl Barnett 2007) Powered by ScribeFire .

fortuitously, my blog template got corrupted one day last week and it prompted me to revamp the look of the blog. (you have to come look at it to see if you are one of my readers that only gets email notification of new blog entries). it's not really different, but it is cleaner and should load faster. and i want to start blogging with a different sort of system and focus. there are many times when i want to share things that i find on the web the blog (the way that a large majority of bloggers in the world do - many bloggers do nothing with their blogs but point you to "other" things already out there.) but i want to keep this as a space where i can talk too. and when i need to talk "freely" and feel the need to encrypt what i say, i will leave a link to the english translation somewhere in the page. you would have to come to the blog to find that link though; it won't be in the email. sorry. so today is the birthday of one of the most intense persons on th...

я имел некоторый большой loneliness. aloneness. осуществлений сегодня how many времена вы слышат, что кто-то говорит что они не хотят умереть самостоятельно будут форами кто-то идет думать someone else в моменте что они умирают о'кеы, изображает его; 2 люд умирая совместно в автомобильной аварие. будет время остановить думать о боли, котор вы внутри и смотрите другую персону? если вы будете в большой физической воле боли вами, то смогите препятствуйте для того чтобы пойти вашего собственного опыта возвратить вашу заботу к персоне умирая рядом с вами? нет, я не думаю так вы будете transfixed вашим собственным опытом, котор это сделало меня думать о мифе смерти christ's, что он мог думать что-нибыдь но его собственных потери и loneliness когда он умирал. я даже не сказал что в дороге что чувством моделей я не будет philosopher но я думаю для того чтобы испытать реальную власть, котор мы должны отжать желание не умереть самостоятельно. вещь более плох чем умирающ самостоятельно до...

το τελευταίο κεφάλαιο πρέπει να γραφτεί σε από την Καντώνα ίσως. επρόκειτο να απειλήσω ότι αυτό είναι το τελευταίο που αναγγέλλεται μέσω του ηλεκτρονικού ταχυδρομείου ταχυδρομώντας εγώ θα γράψει πάντα, αλλά αυτό είναι μόνο να νικήσει εγώ δεν παίζει πλέον το μόνο να νικήσει παιχνίδι με οποιουσδήποτε από σας έτσι διαγράφω τον κατάλογο διευθύνσεων. έτσι λαβή σε ένα δευτερόλεπτο ενώ πηγαίνω διαγραφή ο κατάλογος, κατόπιν θα γράψω αυτήν την θέση. ~damn, παίρνει πάρα πολύ πολύ για να υπολογίσει πώς να το διαγράψει έτσι κλείνω ακριβώς τα anouncements ηλεκτρονικού ταχυδρομείου για τώρα. έτσι, διεύθυνε σκληρά goon ότι είμαι, δεν μπορώ να καταλάβω γιατί με έχει πάρει τόσο από καιρό για να υπολογίσει αυτήν την πορεία της ζωής ότι είμαι καθαρός και απλός, προορίζομαι να ζήσω αυτό που ικετεύει μόνο τους ανθρώπους σε ομοειδή εσείς είμαι η πιό ταπεινωτική εμπειρία. ξέρω επειδή είναι τι μου έχει κάνει την αίσθηση τόσο μεγάλο μέρος όπως ένα κομμάτι του shit φέτος. πρέπει να σταματήσω για τον εξωτερικό ...

a friends response to my last post; D~, No, I stand by my belief that most people feel disconnected from one another.  Perhaps my last email came out sounding like I was saying to "get over it", but that was not my intent and sorry if that's how it sounded.  We live in a disconnected society where most people have difficulty finding substantive social connections amidst work, family, and other obligations, and feel isolated.  Casual conversations, maybe.  Genuine connections, no.  Why else do you think so many people go online looking for community?  Or relate to movies like Fight Club, The Matrix, etc.? I don't doubt all this is compounded and made much more difficult by the isolating quality of depression, which sucks. I have a suggestion, and sorry in advance if it offends you, but here goes.  Try communicating more in person as well as online.  I was a bit surprised, after spending so much tim...

not doing well today. literally feel like i've been stabbed in the back with 4 swords and that there is one sword being pushed through my heart. my head is throbbing as if it's been crushed under the boot of an enemy warrior. i really don't do well when i don't sleep in my regular space. and it is especially worse when i have to sleep in a strange place AND have no one to talk to. well, my life in general is plain stupid because i don't have anyone to have an ongoing conversation with. i had a really, very good friend that took care of me this way up until last December. for two years i was able to reach this person by telephonic communication devices and she would talk to me (and listen to me) for literally hours every day. i had never had a friend like that ever before in my life. i miss that connection we had very, very badly. oh, it ended due to bizarre and unfair complications that i'm not ready to divulge yet. anyway, i never feel more alone and isolated t...