THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i cannot break my addiction to visual art. i need to see it all the time. i don't how to explain it other than to blame it on my ocd-ish type of attachment to being told stories visually. it's why i'm also addicted to watching film stories. does this addiction/attachment/need suit my own artistic endeavors? it does, it can, but the element of enjoyment that i experience from this stimulus goes into the realm of triggering my depression. when i consume art and stories i'm not making my own stories, or art. i know how the pattern of behavior plays out, time after time. when i am unable to do photography, for whatever reason, i obsess over using my Tumblr account. that can happen during a phase when i am fully engaged in my "photography seasons", but have a lapse of creative projects to work on. and it happens during the phase i'm in right now, where i have decided to put the camera away and go back to my writing. several weeks ago i felt it was time to s...

i can't do anything but sit here and write. writing is the only way to get the shit out of my head and heart into a processing machine that will help it all make sense to me. cafes and writing, that's all that there can be for me. there is no other church or therapy group that could serve me like this does. i don't have to talk to anyone, i just have to sit and concentrate. push the buttons and let it all flow out.. i am one day closer to my goal of "Portland or Die". yesterday was one of the worse times i've had the experience of becoming immobilized by the depression. i'm half ready to blame it on the juice fast, but not fully. for the most part, i do not feel hungry during this fast but it still seems to lower my ability to stay fully energetic and cognizant. so last night after i drank my evening juice i retired to my room and sat up on my bed. i did not lay down. but it didn't seem to matter. all that happened for the next 4 hours was me sitting...

i wrote that title some time ago, but never made an entry, so i'm just going to go with it and start to talk about what is going on now. soo very much has happened since December - the time of my last entry. i will continue to say that i have a very good life. i may not be in the ultimate position of joy that i was in when i created that title before, but i am so solid in my friendship with her right now that there is very little possibility of anything ever becoming unworkable again. we figure everything out, just by talking. honesty, frankness, and a willingness to ask for help is all it takes to keep things fresh, nurtured, and growing. we have grown so much closer to each other too. we rode the train together from the bay area to Portland, Oregon (almost) a month ago - 3 weeks i guess it is now! the experience of achieving this trip together was the greatest thing we've ever accomplished. we learned so much about each other and have become entirely comfortable in each oth...