THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

 Not sure that I am ready to continue telling the story that I began yesterday. I said before that I don't want to tell it all thru blog posts, that it would be better suited in a long document being written... so I think that might be where my hesitancy is coming from... but I still feel a need to unburden myself of the frustration I experienced yesterday at Aine's memorial service. The other point worth mentioning is that if I tell the story of my life with her, I need to include the parts of the story where things went wrong. And who would that be for the benefit of? Perhaps the best thing is to just let it all be over and done with. So what else is going on today, hmmm? It's the first day of spring, but as usual, it's not much different than any other day for me. I do not celebrate anything anymore. Ugh, now I'm starting to recognize that I have a thread of depression running underneath the surface of my veneer. And I don't want to start bellyaching about wh...

my thoughts are not very organized about this so i may rant a little bit now and develop better suggestions later. it seems that Facebook is truly run by a bunch of partying college kids and not by business professionals. the format is more like a dorm room where a keg party is going on than a business office where professionals are trying to negotiate deals. i'm over the partying and now want to get down to business. FRIENDS i have accumulated a lot of friends of all sorts of different natures. the two primary classifications that appear on my profile page i have titled "photographers" and "writers". but there are also "models", "musicians", and "taphophiles" that i have created groups for, but they do not easily appear near the surface of my profile. in fact, i'm not sure how to find those other groups. furthermore, what i'd really like to be able to do is send messages to a very select group of people based on clas...

You know, I'm a member of the lower class of government health care beneficiaries, right? Medicare and Medi-Cal are what pay for my visits to doctors and buy my medications. My ears are not paying attention to the debates going on now about the future of medical care in this country, although I should be very concerned. I am just reacting apathetically to the whole mess. In general, I would say that people should beware about receiving poor, substandard care in a future where the government regulates health care. I base this assessment on my experiences in the mental health arena. I believe that there are people in the world, in this country that pay for, and receive quality mental health care. I do not feel like I am one of these people. I do not feel that I have EVER received good mental health care. The reason being that "good psychiatrists" do not accept patients into their care whose fees are paid by the government. Doctors do get paid by Medicare and Medi-Cal but th...

maybe moods are seasonable. and i'm not talking about SAD . because i just came through one of the most wonderfully mooded dark seasons (winter) that i can remember. this winter fed my motivations. no, i'm talking about them, moods, having their own schedules of necessity. that there needs to be a time of sadness, a time of gladness... that they balance each other. and mabye this is just something inside the experience of the bipolar. i don't know because i don't really know what moods regular people go through. if i had not started taking the seroquel again last week how much longer would my mood of positivity continued? indefinitely as far as i could tell. as i feel now, i want to put my camera away for a good long time. i think the "Cemetery Girl" project has come to an end. i know i said this in an earlier post. i'm just reaffirming it now. there have been a total of 5 models from ModelMayhem that i have cancelled working with. better than them canceli...

the time has come to write this post. all of my pre-contemplative ideas of how to speak beguilinigly, to offer an illusion that i have been in control of my life are exhausted. so now i will write pretty much straight from the gut. i don't know how to say that i screwed up without saying that I AM screwed up. i mean, in some ways i can seperate my self from my situation(s) but the majority of the time the weight and presence of this physical being and it's dense mind coerce me to believe in a "smaller self". in some ways i'm glad i screwed up at school, this time, again, this way... it's familiar yet it was new. i always seem to make some sort of impression when i come out of my shell and become able to participate with other people in studies. people seem to think i'm a likable character but no one ever really seems to like me. the people over the years that i still keep in touch with would forget about me if it weren't for me keeping in touc...