why do i need to do this??
into my own imagination goes my whimsical advances towards the setting sun of friendships that never really existed. false sunrises that hint at possibilities of real experiences in real lives with real people but are only dreamlike expectations that occur on moonscapes of non-existent realities. you imagine something you want to have happen in real life, you dream about it, you envision it, you plan on ways to make it happen, if you wish deeply enough from the well of fulfillment in your soul there is a chance that a germ may sprout and a plant may grow... but so many ingredients have to be in place, in accord... there is no assurance that anything could come about from your wishes, from your dreams so it is better to live, not with expectation of your dreams being fulfilled magically. you have to participate to some degree in the becoming, but the balance... how you figure out your involvement. that is the most delicate matter.
i'm beating around the bush of trying to say something about the fact that i'm feeling like writing a personal letter to Francesca Lia Block tonight. on paper, not email. not a fan letter, not an apology, but an ongoing communication from a man to a woman that is trying to be a different sort of person in her world. it's probably entirely ludicrous on my behalf to suppose that it's worth my bother to exert such energy... i've already left a bad taste in her mouth from the quasi-hurtful things i've said to her in the past... but i was just being honest and free speaking with her.
and see, i'm at a position right now with her where i could totally fade off into the silence and never ever say another thing to her again. i think that she expects that is where i am at and that is what i'll do. i think that is what many, many of the men that try to get close to her do. the men she pulls to herself and then incinerates. she incinerated me, to some degree but luckily for me, i was able to keep her at bay, at a distance from where she was able to fully engulf me. if i had come any closer to her, in real life, she probably would have devoured me. i probably would be dead now. same goes for Gurumayi. is there some way that kind women, on some hidden level inside have a secret mechanism that enables them to know how to keep safe distance from certain men to protect them? is that why Francesca and I never got any closer than we did? is that why most women on earth and i never get any closer than we do?
but people do write letters. non famous people write letters to famous people. i just kind of hate taking the chance of putting the heart and energy into a letter to her if she has already set her heart against me, closed her heart against anything more from me. i don't think this is entirely the case because she did respond personally to the piece of writing that i had submitted to her for the online collection she was going to publish. that was kind of her.
gosh, now i just reread the last messages she and i passed back and forth, and even though she said very little i got enough of a feeling of the invisible energy hovering between us that it feels like maybe she really does need to be done with me. and maybe i should take a lesson from my own life. the experience i have just come through with certain individuals that i no longer want to be bothered by. i may have become such a person to Francesca and don't want to be such a person to her. and i don't want to be under a cloud of misconception where i'm kidding myself into thinking differently. telling myself that i "am a friend of hers" when she in fact considers me to be a nuisance and an energy drain. i really do not think i am such a person though. the encounter we had is over and done with and i am not ruing over it any longer. i'd like her to know that i am not hurt or angry any longer (i never was angry) and still respect her as a peer.
well, all the burst of inspiration i had to write to her tonight has deflated. i'll see if it comes back in a few days or not. i could do it. it feels a little bit important. i just hate the idea that it could be an entire waste of my energy and desire. if i can do it with no expectations, that would be fine.
i'm beating around the bush of trying to say something about the fact that i'm feeling like writing a personal letter to Francesca Lia Block tonight. on paper, not email. not a fan letter, not an apology, but an ongoing communication from a man to a woman that is trying to be a different sort of person in her world. it's probably entirely ludicrous on my behalf to suppose that it's worth my bother to exert such energy... i've already left a bad taste in her mouth from the quasi-hurtful things i've said to her in the past... but i was just being honest and free speaking with her.
and see, i'm at a position right now with her where i could totally fade off into the silence and never ever say another thing to her again. i think that she expects that is where i am at and that is what i'll do. i think that is what many, many of the men that try to get close to her do. the men she pulls to herself and then incinerates. she incinerated me, to some degree but luckily for me, i was able to keep her at bay, at a distance from where she was able to fully engulf me. if i had come any closer to her, in real life, she probably would have devoured me. i probably would be dead now. same goes for Gurumayi. is there some way that kind women, on some hidden level inside have a secret mechanism that enables them to know how to keep safe distance from certain men to protect them? is that why Francesca and I never got any closer than we did? is that why most women on earth and i never get any closer than we do?
but people do write letters. non famous people write letters to famous people. i just kind of hate taking the chance of putting the heart and energy into a letter to her if she has already set her heart against me, closed her heart against anything more from me. i don't think this is entirely the case because she did respond personally to the piece of writing that i had submitted to her for the online collection she was going to publish. that was kind of her.
gosh, now i just reread the last messages she and i passed back and forth, and even though she said very little i got enough of a feeling of the invisible energy hovering between us that it feels like maybe she really does need to be done with me. and maybe i should take a lesson from my own life. the experience i have just come through with certain individuals that i no longer want to be bothered by. i may have become such a person to Francesca and don't want to be such a person to her. and i don't want to be under a cloud of misconception where i'm kidding myself into thinking differently. telling myself that i "am a friend of hers" when she in fact considers me to be a nuisance and an energy drain. i really do not think i am such a person though. the encounter we had is over and done with and i am not ruing over it any longer. i'd like her to know that i am not hurt or angry any longer (i never was angry) and still respect her as a peer.
well, all the burst of inspiration i had to write to her tonight has deflated. i'll see if it comes back in a few days or not. i could do it. it feels a little bit important. i just hate the idea that it could be an entire waste of my energy and desire. if i can do it with no expectations, that would be fine.
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