THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

not for me... no, not this year, not any year. of all the years i've lived in the San Francisco Bay Area (50+ years) i've never attended any type of activities that the gay population engage in. never been to Halloween in the Castro, never been to a Pride Parade. why? because i do not consider myself to be homosexual. and i don't like to be mistaken for being homosexual - even though i know people think that i could be. i've never had any sort of romantic connection with anyone male. i just don't feel any type of attraction to men that way. i think i've isolated myself into a corner though because i don't connect with women romantically either. it's just easier to be alone than to have to deal with the miscues and misunderstood interpretations of what is going on beneath the surface of someone's private life and interior mind. i'm just posting these thoughts now because nearly everyone that i know here in the Bay Area is involved with the celebra...

It's been weird, these past few weeks since I left my job at Whole Foods. It's my old life again. In the first few days I felt determined to take a new attitude - but now it feels like those were shallow wishes. Big change takes time. It takes deeper understanding and new thinking. But also creative thinking much different than you've thought of before. Routine is a bitch to own. Too much of it and you become a slave, not enough of it and you become a sloth. i'm just noticing old behaviors that want to reclaim my time. I can't let them enslave me. A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to piq...

I have a really, really, REALLY good friend that is a young woman. She and I have become very dependent on one another for deep personal communication for a number of years now. But we are not romantically connected in anyway. There are times when I feel desires to be involved with someone of the opposite sex for romance, but the feelings are never strong enough to make me actually make anything happen with someone. I base this on my acceptance of the reality of my life, that I get along just fine in this world on my own. And the longer I go on accepting this position, the harder it becomes to believe that something different could happen. My drive to find someone new to get to know more personally than I know my friend is weak and sporadic. There are times when I really want something to happen, for someone new to appear and for getting to know them to happen effortlessly. But it's rare. Over the past 2-3 months I opened my heart and mind to the possibilities of this again, and ...

So what does this previous statement mean? I am going to completely embrace this calling now. I am going to get back to work photographing models in cemeteries and I am going to get back to work on my novels. Only two people have taken on the task of proofreading my draft novels. There are about four that I have completed writing in first draft form so far. What I will do with them I am not sure yet. You will know, if you have read this blog over the years that I continually come back to this position where I vow to get serious about sitting down and editing my work so that I can at least make it presentable in the self publishing market. And you will also know that I have not done this yet. I have kept on writing newer sections of the novel... and that is what I am looking at now, that perhaps one BIG novel is not what I should present to the world. I should just put them out in the sections that I originally wrote them as. They'll be easier for people to read that way. I also nee...

I was in the cemetery yesterday afternoon, alone, and was reminded of how great I feel when I am in a cemetery. I feel spiritual, I feel focused, I feel inquisitive, I feel aware of many things on many different levels of the reality I live in. Being in a cemetery is like being in church to me. A cemetery truly is a gateway between both worlds, the living world that we see with our eyes and walk in with our feet, and a place where openings to the otherworld - the world beyond death have been created. What fascinates me about this fact is that so few people recognize this, or realize it. What I have learned from spending obsessive amounts of time in cemeteries is that by letting your imagination wander while in one is that you are being prompted by energies beyond what are just found in this world of the living, prompted by spirits, ghosts and angels and yes, perhaps even demons to contemplate what will happen to your own soul after you die. Many people are incapable of handling the ...

I'm trying to find myself again. What's new, right? Well, something does feel new and different this time. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern with The Universe just waiting for the new experiences I'm going to venture into to lift me up and take off. I don't feel anxious about my future right now, I feel very peaceful about it, but by that I also mean that I don't feel any of the usually complex mixture of feelings about being driven to make something happen. I just know that what is going to happen is going to happen, and that I'm ready for it. I've read books for years and years about manifesting your dream life, and I've tried all the different approaches. This time I am experiencing those tactics unfold in a different way. Last night for instance, I was compelled to meditate at one point because the abundance of good feelings inside my chest were so profound and overflowing that I thought I'd waste that energy if I didn't give it the ...

Echovox at dusk... We're starting to use it again and it's slowly getting better. https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B3_iF5GtxDwMMVM3U2tyWVBKdDg/edit?usp=docslist_api

Well, you thought I was happy with my new found emergence into the world of the employed... and I was, temporarily. But something happened to stir my inner demons back awake. Life is full of so many flashbacks, isn't it. This is a curse of mine, being too prone to deeply analyze things. I started to realize that the wonderful freedom I had won for myself, that I experienced and struggled through for the past decade was the most beautiful thing I've achieved in this lifetime, and that through becoming an employee of the most wonderful grocery store corporation in the world, a place that I literally could force myself to believe I was happy working at for the remainder of my life, well, it was the death knell for my being able to do anything creatively in my life again. Even though I was a miserable, unsuccessful artist and writer, I was the happiest I ever was in my lifetime in that suffering. And by being unsuccessful I mean that my art was not appreciated by the masses. I wa...