need more blood/air flow to my brain...

some things are still out of synch and i can only think that more blood and air flooding my brain would help remedy this. i saw an image yesterday of someone floating in a green ocean, somewhere and it totally transported me, in just a second's time, to remembering what it felt like the last time i was in the ocean, and how much i loved the sensations... and how addicted i used to be to the freedom being in the ocean gave me. that i used to go to the beach as many days of the week as i could when i lived in santa cruz, even if it just meant getting into the water for for 10 minutes. even in the depth of the winter, on bitter cold, dark days i remember putting on a wet suit and going out on the boogie board to be around the other men, to float on the current. it was so soothing and grounding. i really miss that a lot. god i wasn't expecting to go this deep back into those memories just now from talking about that memory. just brought me to the verge of tears, i feel it's so unfair that i loved that so much, benefited from it so much physically and spiritually and built so much of a discipline in my life around that one simple thing; getting to the beach and getting in the water, and i've been without it now for 13 years. how different would my life be now, today if i had been allowed by god and the karmas to still have been able to go to the beach on a daily basis. last time i was in the ocean was 1,098 days ago.

tidal wave me

that is not the image i saw that triggered my memories of being in the ocean, but this is another image i saw yesterday that reminded me of a dream that i had many years ago of standing on the lip of a beach waiting for the crush of a tidal wave to fall upon me. the main thing that i remember about the emotions i had in that moment in the dream was that i was not afraid but that i stood there longingly, waiting for the obliteration. and when i was smashed, all things disappeared. body, ego, memories... it was fantastic. i used to have a lot of dreams about going to water places... lots of times the dreams were with billy. we'd go to exotic looking places with surf boards. i'm glad at least that he has become a surfer and has been able to experience travel and a bit of paradise.

this really is not what i thought i was going to write in this blog at all.. and now i'm not sure what i'm going to do to get where i meant to go, or just let this wander a little bit more... hmmmmm

yeah, i don't think i want to talk about anything else here right now. i may be back later though. oh, and the blood/air to the head, what i was thinking was that doing headstands would be a good thing. i don't have room to do that though.

oh yay! found it, this is the other image i saw.