Day One (of my private mind)
Okay, so i just turned off the settings for public access to this blog. That means unless I turn the settings back to public, or set up a list of individuals that can have access, no one will be able to read what i write here. I like that a lot but at the same time it scares me a little bit. It scares me because I've just given myself permission to really break down the walls in how i talk out loud to myself here. I want to treat this more like a diary now than i have before. I really want to start to find the courage to let my thoughts and ideas and feelings come more out of the corners of my mind and soul so that i can get to know myself better? is that what I mean that I want? I think so...
I know I am still afraid to say things though, just because I'm afraid to admit them. to myself. it's like saying certain things is letting them breath life that they did not have before. there are things i am afraid to admit and right now, because of the crossroads of this blog now becoming private i can see this wall of darkness before me that i've been afraid to look into before. i've used the public-ness of the blog to be an excuse to prevent me from being willing to go as deep into my emotions as i could. because of being afraid to let the outside world know about them, let alone face them myself. i've only been willing to write about what i felt safe enough to let the world hear me admit. now i've opened the gate and the monsters can come out. if i will let them. wow, i don't know if i'll really be able to do it or not.
not sure what else i want to say right here, right now. i'll probably be back before you know it. before "i" know it. one thing that was really cool last night was how i spontaneously decided while standing in line at Chipotle to take my phone out and write a two paragraph blog entry about something that came to mind, right then. it was like, "write this down right now or you're going to forget it." THAT was amazing. i hope to start doing that more often.
The other thing I want to be careful of is keeping this writing separate from what i'm writing in the other private blog, general daryl. that is an altogether different beast entirely. if this starts to feel like it will be successful in the content becoming more interesting, i may in fact step up the amount of writing that i do so that could have enough material to print a "blog-diary book" in 6 months? then it could be like a digest? i don't know... the whole idea of becoming a recluse and slipping into hiding from the internet world into just the print world does make this sound sort of fascinating. really though, i have to produce material that is worth the bother of reading.
_______
so i will tell you one thing about the other project i'm working on right now. it's a creative writing project and it has to do with my "cemetery girls". i got this idea last year when i was brainstorming about the nanowrimo i was building up for and really, what i thought about then was minuscule in comparison to what i'm on the threshold of it turning into now. i'm not quite sure how it has turned into this huge, living, breathing creature that it is now... but the male character that i came to represent in the epic story of the "cemetery girl who lost her mother and moved to California to her father's hometown..." there is the stage in the story where the father's heart is so broken by everything that has happened in his life and he feels incapable of taking care of his daughter that he decides to leave her with his cousin - for her to take care of her. and then he goes back to Ohio and falls into a wreckless stretch of years of drinking and depression. when he eventually comes out of the depression is when he starts to rebuild his life and begins the photography project of photographing the young women in cemeteries. he has completely forgotten that he has his own daughter though, or at least figures that she would not want to have anything more to do with him...
anyway, what he starts to do is engage in romantic liasons with these girls. THAT is what i am trying to explore with my writing in this other blog because i do not have this kind of experience. it is all imaginary to me and since i have no real life experience of it i have to learn how to write it. and i am doing these fascinating explorations in the psychic and astral realms trying to create energetic experiences with just one of these girls that i have known personally right now. and it's working, i think. it's giving me insight and it's giving me a path to a deeper understanding of the desire born out of the desperation and depravity of the lone, broken man.
______
oh my goodness, see??? just now, already the difference in what i have written here thinking that no one is reading this. it's like i've pulled in my wandering ghost from the outer realms where i've been trying to get bites fishing. but there are no fish in the seas that i have been casting my line in. oh, and last night i deleted my okcupid account too. that was painless and simple. i never felt a connection with anyone there anyway.
okay, i'll be back soon.
I know I am still afraid to say things though, just because I'm afraid to admit them. to myself. it's like saying certain things is letting them breath life that they did not have before. there are things i am afraid to admit and right now, because of the crossroads of this blog now becoming private i can see this wall of darkness before me that i've been afraid to look into before. i've used the public-ness of the blog to be an excuse to prevent me from being willing to go as deep into my emotions as i could. because of being afraid to let the outside world know about them, let alone face them myself. i've only been willing to write about what i felt safe enough to let the world hear me admit. now i've opened the gate and the monsters can come out. if i will let them. wow, i don't know if i'll really be able to do it or not.
not sure what else i want to say right here, right now. i'll probably be back before you know it. before "i" know it. one thing that was really cool last night was how i spontaneously decided while standing in line at Chipotle to take my phone out and write a two paragraph blog entry about something that came to mind, right then. it was like, "write this down right now or you're going to forget it." THAT was amazing. i hope to start doing that more often.
The other thing I want to be careful of is keeping this writing separate from what i'm writing in the other private blog, general daryl. that is an altogether different beast entirely. if this starts to feel like it will be successful in the content becoming more interesting, i may in fact step up the amount of writing that i do so that could have enough material to print a "blog-diary book" in 6 months? then it could be like a digest? i don't know... the whole idea of becoming a recluse and slipping into hiding from the internet world into just the print world does make this sound sort of fascinating. really though, i have to produce material that is worth the bother of reading.
_______
so i will tell you one thing about the other project i'm working on right now. it's a creative writing project and it has to do with my "cemetery girls". i got this idea last year when i was brainstorming about the nanowrimo i was building up for and really, what i thought about then was minuscule in comparison to what i'm on the threshold of it turning into now. i'm not quite sure how it has turned into this huge, living, breathing creature that it is now... but the male character that i came to represent in the epic story of the "cemetery girl who lost her mother and moved to California to her father's hometown..." there is the stage in the story where the father's heart is so broken by everything that has happened in his life and he feels incapable of taking care of his daughter that he decides to leave her with his cousin - for her to take care of her. and then he goes back to Ohio and falls into a wreckless stretch of years of drinking and depression. when he eventually comes out of the depression is when he starts to rebuild his life and begins the photography project of photographing the young women in cemeteries. he has completely forgotten that he has his own daughter though, or at least figures that she would not want to have anything more to do with him...
anyway, what he starts to do is engage in romantic liasons with these girls. THAT is what i am trying to explore with my writing in this other blog because i do not have this kind of experience. it is all imaginary to me and since i have no real life experience of it i have to learn how to write it. and i am doing these fascinating explorations in the psychic and astral realms trying to create energetic experiences with just one of these girls that i have known personally right now. and it's working, i think. it's giving me insight and it's giving me a path to a deeper understanding of the desire born out of the desperation and depravity of the lone, broken man.
______
oh my goodness, see??? just now, already the difference in what i have written here thinking that no one is reading this. it's like i've pulled in my wandering ghost from the outer realms where i've been trying to get bites fishing. but there are no fish in the seas that i have been casting my line in. oh, and last night i deleted my okcupid account too. that was painless and simple. i never felt a connection with anyone there anyway.
okay, i'll be back soon.
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