THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

It's becoming more and more obvious that I am probably going to start taking psych meds again for my depression heavy bipolar disorder. I am back in the worse sleep routine style of behavior which is a major indicator of being depressed, and the use of kratom is not shaking me out of it. I am back in a routine-less, structure-less life with no ambitions or goals. Nothing I had feelings of being able to dream into reality earlier this year seem realistic anymore. I am not feeling an extreme desperation about this yet, but it's likely to wrap itself around me before too long. The main thing that worries me about going back on meds is how I'll become incapacitated and literally unable to take care of my mom. Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up...

Okay, so a few days passed before we returned to Alamo Cemetery to do another Echovox session. She came to my house to pick me up right after she got off work. We got there a little bit earlier, maybe an hour or so so that we could have more time before the heaviness of darkness fell. I had made a visit to the cemetery on last Friday night, one night after our first session. I stopped at Safeway in downtown Alamo and bought 4 votive prayer candles and brought them to the cemetery. It was around 1am. This is an old tradition of mine from the days when I used to literally camp out in this cemetery. There are just 4 graves that I chose to take candles to, the same 4 graves that I've always taken candles to. I'd take more for more people if I could afford to. If I could afford to I'd take a candle to everyone's grave that is buried there. I'd make that my life. To have my mind organized in such a way that I'd know my cemetery so well that I could take candles to eve...

After the relative success of being able to decipher words out of the buzzing darkness in Colma, we were anxious to have another go of it in our favorite local cemetery, Alamo Cemetery near the town of Danville (California). Long time readers of my blog know about this place and my affinity for it.'' We're still learning how to do this, by feeling it out. This time I brought a bag of tricks; incense mainly which I feel are essential to open the doors of perception. A little bit of ritual, nothing fancy or overly ornate. Both to open the doors of insight but also to assure the spirits that we are friends. Happily I've found a place down the street that sells a fair selection of incense from India, cheap. The main incense I love to have a supply of is "dhoop", and they have tons of it. We started at my old friend Grant's gravesite, the place we normally start all of our nights of cemetery investigation when we're here. We were really delighted to fin...

Earlier this week my best friend and I drove over to Colma. We didn't leave Walnut Creek until 6pm and my first thoughts was that it was going to be too dark by the time we got there to take any photographs. So I drove us to Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland, first. It was still quite light, and she was wanting to shoot photos on the edge of darkness, if not entirely in darkness. That type of darkness was 45 minutes away. So we decided, "what the hell"-like to just go for it and drive all the way to Colma. By the time we got there, it was dark. Fully, black night, dark. This was very exciting to me. Partly because the whole point of going to Colma with her was to go into the no-trespassing, what I've been calling, "secret crypt". A part of Cypress Lawn cemetery that is virtually impenetrable to normal visitors. I learned how to gain entrance to it a couple of weeks ago, and have been trying to get a model to go there w/me for a photo shoot. My best friend ...

just want to spout a few comments and ideas about what is going on now. no new breakthroughs about life's purpose or dreams for the future, but i am feeling refreshed here in the Chicago area. the excitement i felt last year and the year before has diminished, as now, i feel more established here, more like a regular. although i still raised eyebrows yesterday because of the shirt i was wearing. got into a discussion about death metal with a christian lady as a result. today i am going to a cemetery i have not visited before to photograph a model i have not met before. she is very familiar with this cemetery (Mount Carmel Cemetery in Hillside) and is a very striking redhead. i am quite excited as she is my primary model for this tour. i almost thought i lost her too as communication started to break down over the past month. the one other model i had scheduled for this visit DID flake out on me. still waiting for some sort of explanation from her. anyway, i feel more rooted in this...

(full size images can be seen here .) I found Sarah via the Model Mayhem website in March this year. I wrote to her, informing her that I was going to be in the Chicago area for 10 days in June and asked if she'd be interested in becoming part of my "Cemetery Girl" collection. She wrote back, excitedly saying that she was very interested. We communicated with each other, off and on, over the next few months, and then made arrangements to meet when my trip neared. Sarah actually lived in the very township that I was going to be staying in; St. Charles. I think it made her more at ease knowing that I had been there before and could talk knowledgeably about the local cemeteries (and other features/landmarks). I worked hard at acquiring as many models as was logistically possible to work with in the Chicago area as I could (which ended up being 3). Sarah was my first contact and first confirmed model. The other two that I found I will write about in other blog entries. I t...

something happened to me tonight that many people would be inclined to wrongly interpret were it to happen to themselves. i pride myself in being able to decipher esoteric events with wisdom. i was in my cemetery, THE cemetery where i have done all of my research for my novel. you know the one. i had not brought candles for my special ones there since just before christmas. and i especially like to bring candles during these very, very cold, long nights of winter as i suspect those whose spirits still dwell there feel especially lonely when most of us have warm places for our slumber. recently i have only been bringing 4 candles to the cemetery; one for Krista, one for Grant, one for Tara and the last for Callie. and i walked my normal pathway starting at Krista's grave then circling back by hers on my way back to my car. when i got back to Krista's grave tonight i saw something that i had seen before but usually only on return visits. her candle had "fallen" over o...

I've been a busy little Cemetery Man while on tour here in the midwest. Click this image to see some of the cemeteries I've visited. Be sure to come back in another week or so as I will have probably twice as many more Chicago area cemeteries for you to look at.

i am posting this at school so i don't have access to any of my personal photos of Clive and myself, sad to say, my connection with his energy is rather weak right now. my personal writing is at one of it's weakest ebbs. i don't know why my link to my inner words is broken. it must be that i don't have anything that i believe in anymore. i will go to the cemetery tonight. i will light candles tonight on this night of the full moon and this evening of the first rains of the season. i am wearing my power talisman from Ellen today. i am depressed, its true. pdoc told me this afternoon to increase my Cymbalta dosage to 40mg. let's see what that does. i am sorry Clive that i did not remember that yesterday was your birthday. i owe so much to you. well, i'm editing this post since i first wrote it. that is in fact the picture i was talking about. and lapse brain that i am, yesterday, the 5th of October WAS in fact Clive's birthday. later last night i...