even after what i wrote yesterday...
and i DID get a lot of work done last night. i got 20+ pages of poems and photographs into the layout for the magazine and i made 3 handmade postcards today, mailing two of them tonight - one tomorrow and i'm finally sending Erin in Canada the letter that has taken me three weeks to write her. but even after what i wrote last night about not feeling like i ever fully wake up... gosh, did i even say that? because right now, this very minute that is how i feel. i feel so out of place here in this very coffee shop where i come so often to do my writing. and i blame it on one fact. this is MY blaming fact. my one special barista, Izzy is not here and she has not been here any of the nights i have come in during the past week. i was out of town for a week prior so it is now two weeks since i saw her last. i am a bit attached to her. she lifts my spirits. she is my friend. and its not that the other baristas here are NOT friendly it's just that she knows me. she has worked with me on my photo shoots, she knows what my work is about. she knows me and i feel safe being around her... but when she is not here i feel like i am in just plain ol' San Ramon, which is NOT my kinda place and i'm really out of sorts. i'm going to have to start going to Danville. i don't know the baristas there, not like i know Izzy or Kyle (the other cool barista here)... but at least in Danville they are not San Ramon heads.
ugh.
regardless, i did get a lot of work done yesterday. i'm tempted to just upload this draft of the poetry magazine and get it online and published. so i can get a sample copy of it to see what it needs to make it better, to see what improvements it needs. there are a lot of other ideas i'm getting about what i can do with this magazine "idea". more poetry that i can write to go with my own photographs. more publications that focus on photographs of particular cemeteries i have visited; i.e. Chicago cemeteries. or if i want to invite collaborators to participate it can become something a little bit larger and more substantial. what i do with my initial productions though need to be quite impressive. so yeah, let's not rush into it.
one thing i need to figure out how to do better is the layout of text on a page. i don't think the fonts that i've chosen so far are necessarily the best choices. they are simple to read but they look so small to me on the big white pages. contrarily, on the pages of the book of Demi's poetry the type font looks awkwardly large... i need to find some sources of information to study about this.
i just can't seem to get a feeling of being wide awake. there has been a dull ache in my body for a few days now and my eyes have really been bothering me. too much time in front of computer screens i think and not enough time outside. i never get enough time outside. even the time outside last week at the baseball game and in the cemetery was an alternative relaxation for my eyes but i don't get enough of that. both of these things, the body aches and my eyes not feeling great make me feel really hesitant about doing new photo shoots. i still want to float towards doing more new explorations with alternative creative projects. doing the postcards today was really good.
oh, makes me wonder if maybe i'm still taking too many meds. i'm way down on the amount of ambien that i use to sleep with. but there are the other meds and no one cares to really listen to how i am doing, what my deep, secret personal concerns are. i don't know if i need more sleep or less. this morning i almost decided to go out for a walk in the pre-dawn light. almost did it too. the closest i've felt like doing that in a very long time. not sure why or how i woke up so early. it was around 6 or 630 am and it was before the sun actually started to shine brightly. it seemed really nice outside in the soft gloom and coolness. i probably would have only walked 2-3 blocks but it would have been good for clearing my head and getting my blood flowing. i laid there too long thinking about it though and never made the big move to do it. fell back asleep. that i came that close to doing it though was a good sign. how/why confuses me though. i didn't go to sleep that early.
i just never get any closer to having feelings of being comfortable in my own body or in my own town or in the house i live in. i never get these feelings. the best i had them in my adult life was during the months i had my relationship with deirdre in santa cruz. i was a good man then. everything was whack before then. everything has been whack since. and there was bad times with her. she was really mean to me for awhile. i don't know why. don't want to think about that now. ugh.
god why did i start that up. now there is only going to be this creeping in ick on top of the overall ick i already have going on. i've been here in the cafe for nearly 90 minutes now and they are going to close soon and i feel like i've gone so much nothing done. no breakthrough. no accomplishment. no new poems. no new surge of hope. no new desire to go out into my towns murk and be brave. 25 miles from here i'd be so much happier outside on the streets in the night. but i can't be there.
ugh.
ugh.
regardless, i did get a lot of work done yesterday. i'm tempted to just upload this draft of the poetry magazine and get it online and published. so i can get a sample copy of it to see what it needs to make it better, to see what improvements it needs. there are a lot of other ideas i'm getting about what i can do with this magazine "idea". more poetry that i can write to go with my own photographs. more publications that focus on photographs of particular cemeteries i have visited; i.e. Chicago cemeteries. or if i want to invite collaborators to participate it can become something a little bit larger and more substantial. what i do with my initial productions though need to be quite impressive. so yeah, let's not rush into it.
one thing i need to figure out how to do better is the layout of text on a page. i don't think the fonts that i've chosen so far are necessarily the best choices. they are simple to read but they look so small to me on the big white pages. contrarily, on the pages of the book of Demi's poetry the type font looks awkwardly large... i need to find some sources of information to study about this.
i just can't seem to get a feeling of being wide awake. there has been a dull ache in my body for a few days now and my eyes have really been bothering me. too much time in front of computer screens i think and not enough time outside. i never get enough time outside. even the time outside last week at the baseball game and in the cemetery was an alternative relaxation for my eyes but i don't get enough of that. both of these things, the body aches and my eyes not feeling great make me feel really hesitant about doing new photo shoots. i still want to float towards doing more new explorations with alternative creative projects. doing the postcards today was really good.
oh, makes me wonder if maybe i'm still taking too many meds. i'm way down on the amount of ambien that i use to sleep with. but there are the other meds and no one cares to really listen to how i am doing, what my deep, secret personal concerns are. i don't know if i need more sleep or less. this morning i almost decided to go out for a walk in the pre-dawn light. almost did it too. the closest i've felt like doing that in a very long time. not sure why or how i woke up so early. it was around 6 or 630 am and it was before the sun actually started to shine brightly. it seemed really nice outside in the soft gloom and coolness. i probably would have only walked 2-3 blocks but it would have been good for clearing my head and getting my blood flowing. i laid there too long thinking about it though and never made the big move to do it. fell back asleep. that i came that close to doing it though was a good sign. how/why confuses me though. i didn't go to sleep that early.
i just never get any closer to having feelings of being comfortable in my own body or in my own town or in the house i live in. i never get these feelings. the best i had them in my adult life was during the months i had my relationship with deirdre in santa cruz. i was a good man then. everything was whack before then. everything has been whack since. and there was bad times with her. she was really mean to me for awhile. i don't know why. don't want to think about that now. ugh.
god why did i start that up. now there is only going to be this creeping in ick on top of the overall ick i already have going on. i've been here in the cafe for nearly 90 minutes now and they are going to close soon and i feel like i've gone so much nothing done. no breakthrough. no accomplishment. no new poems. no new surge of hope. no new desire to go out into my towns murk and be brave. 25 miles from here i'd be so much happier outside on the streets in the night. but i can't be there.
ugh.
Comments