THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

 This is the 5th day in a row of writing on 750words.com and I feel like I'm getting into a groove where my writing is becoming more fluid, and I also hope, it's more interesting to the couple of readers that I have on my blog, where I am sharing these jottings. Earlier today some thoughts occurred to me that I want to explore here now. I was taking into consideration the type of women that I have become close to in my life. I wasn't looking at this from the perspective of what type of women I am attracted to, but seeing in retrospect which types were actually successful in winning my trust. They seem to be of a classification that in appearances to me are of a regal type nature. I'll use the most obvious woman that I've had a relationship with as an example first. I was in a relationship with a woman of rather high British societal standing. She was the daughter of an acclaimed British academician (a leader in the field of Anthropology) and who was a professor emer...

 Sitting in the Danville Library right now, enjoying the quiet of this place and absorbing the energy of so many volumes of mental concepts and ideations that other humans have channeled into storytelling and research projects. I always feel accompanied by The Greats when I get to visit here to write... I'm still no nearer to feeling focused enough on one idea for a writing project to sit down and say, "This is it! This is the story I will commit to paper..." although last night the thought passed through my mind that for my son's sake of understanding who I am and why my life has been as haphazard as it is all these decades that he's witnessed me flounder, it would benefit him to hear my perspective on why my life has been as messed up as it is. Kinda sadly there's no simple answer like, "Oh dad was a drug addict/alcoholic..." and there's a simple way to wrap up all the explanations of why he never accomplished anything. No, it's more like, ...

 So tonight I took a chance and posted a question for Lorie Ladd to answer during her monthly, live Q&A on her Patreon channel. Fortunately, my question got enough votes from the community to boost it close to the top of the list and she took a good 15 minutes to reply. I posted a video of her answering my question on my Telegram channel. The essence of my question was in regards to what is it possible for a person/soul to do when they feel like they've accomplished all that they have the energy to do in their lifetime. Is it possible to check in with your angel guides and ask them to help you finish up your life so that you can exit this mortal plane, sooner perhaps than what was originally planned? I'm not depressed, at least not enough to end my life on purpose. But this spinning of my wheels, for decades now, wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life... it's becoming old and I'm tired of never being able to figure this out. Well, Lorie someh...

 Not sure that I am ready to continue telling the story that I began yesterday. I said before that I don't want to tell it all thru blog posts, that it would be better suited in a long document being written... so I think that might be where my hesitancy is coming from... but I still feel a need to unburden myself of the frustration I experienced yesterday at Aine's memorial service. The other point worth mentioning is that if I tell the story of my life with her, I need to include the parts of the story where things went wrong. And who would that be for the benefit of? Perhaps the best thing is to just let it all be over and done with. So what else is going on today, hmmm? It's the first day of spring, but as usual, it's not much different than any other day for me. I do not celebrate anything anymore. Ugh, now I'm starting to recognize that I have a thread of depression running underneath the surface of my veneer. And I don't want to start bellyaching about wh...

 I surprise myself sometimes by the things I find that capture my attention. Lately, I've started binge-watching Master Chef. This hyped-up reality tv show that tries to give home chefs a chance to improve their skills, but also there is the lure of a cash prize and fame. I used to be afraid of Gordon Ramsey because all I really knew him for was his insane anger on that other competitive show of his called Hell's Kitchen, which I had never seen a full episode of before. (I've watched 6 seasons of Master Chef, as well of 6 seasons of Hell's Kitchen at this point in time.) What I find alluring about the show is the humanity that is focused on in the show. The contestants are very real and honest, and sadly what I benefit from watching this is having a sense of there being people in my life. Of course, I can't interact with these people, but in a bizarre way, I feel like the emotions they stir up in me while I watch the show makes me feel more human. I don't intera...

 This has been a month barren of joy. For how joyful my birthday month has been over the past many, many years, I'm quite surprised that the month I usually experience the greatest joy in has been so dismal. I can attribute it to many things; my mother not being here to celebrate it with for one. Also, my son just moved his family out of state 3 weeks ago, so those are two very large components of my life that I don't get to interact with anymore. More so I guess giving credit to the world changes occurring in this bizarre year of 2020 deserves mentioning too. My spiritual evolution has been tantamount this year, so I am on the fence about believing that the sadness and disconnect I am feeling is not part of the bigger picture of how I am a different being now than I was this time last year. I am stronger and more enlightened spiritually than I perhaps ever been in this life, yet for what I have to show as developments and advancements in the physical world as a benefit of beco...

Update: that new theory about dowsing lotto numbers, philanthropically - kablooie. Still can't get all 4 numbers right. I can still get 3 numbers right, and have the 4th number off by just one... I'm not giving up on this, but until I gain some new, even fresher perspective, I'm taking a break. So when the pandemic began back in March, a good friend (from just a couple years back) reached out to check in on me and my family. It's sad that our friendship has lapsed because overall I saw the good in her soul. And she was readily available to me for conversation. She also attended mom's memorial service, which was really quite huge. Anyway, she gave me the name of this woman that makes regular video commentaries about the spiritual ascension process that is occurring on earth right now. I listened to her most current video that very night, and I was impressed by her insights and the compassion she expressed for her listeners. I now listen to whatever she publishes as...

So I was Googling "how to become your own muse" and came across an interesting blog. The writer had a very interesting entry about this actual matter. How to become the source of one's own inspiration for whatever creative processes they partake in. I don't feel like linking it here, but I want to mention one thing he said was good to do, and that is to take time to write something when you first wake up in the morning. To write about anything and everything that is on your mind. He got the idea from writer, Julia Cameon, who wrote the book "The Artists Way"... So I think that this is basically what I do in ths blog, write about whatever is on my mind. But it's so undisciplined and irregular. Maybe if I were to start making myself write a "Morning Page" here everyday, and not restrict myself to niceties - I used to write a lot more freely about my thoughts and ideas in this blog, but I know as of late I've been much more restrained from t...

Wow, nearly a year since I last wrote something here. That's really sad. I did try to write something to post here a couple months ago but there were technical difficulties in transferring the text from Google Docs to blogger, and my text would not display. Some issue with the display qualities of my blogger account that I'm to burnt out to try and fix. So now I'm typing this in by hand. What you see is what you get. So why am I writing here today? Because I miss writing. I miss writing for the sake of being able to get outside of my head and explain things to myself. Mainly. But I also miss writing creatively. And what i'm thinking is perhaps if I start writing here regularly again, maybe it'll oil my gears enough to reawaken the joy of writing for me. Not really sure about what I want to talk about today. Didn't really feel a burning need to talk about anything important. Just wanted to talk. One thing that's been on my mind recently is my health. I...

Relatively, I am not sad these days. It seems that as I keep up a regular practice of meditation - that is meditating for at least 15 minutes, once a day - I am able to refresh my spirit enough to cast off the creeping shadows of sadness and depression that approach my consciousness every day. There are things happening in and around about my life that could lead to a pretty strong episode of depression but the joy that clearing my energy via meditation is relatively saving my life right now. Fuuny, but I thought that I'd spend my time writing this blog energy talking about the things that are not going right that could bring on a depressive episode - but I didn't. I jumped right to the good part of the story and talked about what is working. I'm kinda proud of myself for doing that. And happy that this happened. All the same, just for the sake of clarity and record, I do want to talk about these things because they are not going to go away on their own, not very easily a...

Continuing on from what I was talking about in my last posting, I've come to realize that I've just experienced what I call, an existential realization that doing anything at all with your time in life is futile. How I recognized this happening was because it happened to me once before. 20 years ago. I was at UCSC and discovered a new manner of creative self-expression which I felt could lead to ultimate discoveries of self-awareness.  That was when I was taking playwrighting classes and my mind was open to so many avenues of creativity. I felt that becoming a playwright was the grandest calling I had ever experienced. I began to work on ideas for several plays all at once. My mind was in constant motion and truth be told, I was the most manic I had ever been in my life. After about two weeks of this high anxiety and very little sleep, I had an epiphany of thought. In the flash of a second, I realized that no matter how different my work could be, compared to any other playwrit...

It's becoming more and more obvious that I am probably going to start taking psych meds again for my depression heavy bipolar disorder. I am back in the worse sleep routine style of behavior which is a major indicator of being depressed, and the use of kratom is not shaking me out of it. I am back in a routine-less, structure-less life with no ambitions or goals. Nothing I had feelings of being able to dream into reality earlier this year seem realistic anymore. I am not feeling an extreme desperation about this yet, but it's likely to wrap itself around me before too long. The main thing that worries me about going back on meds is how I'll become incapacitated and literally unable to take care of my mom. Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up...

It's been weird, these past few weeks since I left my job at Whole Foods. It's my old life again. In the first few days I felt determined to take a new attitude - but now it feels like those were shallow wishes. Big change takes time. It takes deeper understanding and new thinking. But also creative thinking much different than you've thought of before. Routine is a bitch to own. Too much of it and you become a slave, not enough of it and you become a sloth. i'm just noticing old behaviors that want to reclaim my time. I can't let them enslave me. A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to piq...

Red Flags: Warning Signs of Mania From Kimberly Read & Marcia Purse , Your Guide to Bipolar Disorder . Stay up to date! Bipolar Basics by Kimberly Read There are a number of warning signs of manic episodes, red flags as many call them, of which we should be aware. By learning these early indicators, red flags will go up before a loved one rockets into a manic spree, before you slide into depression, before a friend actually attempts suicide. In this article, the first in a four-part series, we look at some of the common red flags for mania and hypomania. Part II looks at depression flags; Part III , the warning flags for Suicide; and Part IV , the early signs of childhood-onset bipolar disorder (COBPD). These symptoms are organized into broad categories for easier reference; this list of symptoms is gathered from personal experience as well as the resources listed elsewhere on this page. Increased energy Decreased sleep Little fatigue An increase in activities Restlessness Speech ...

i don't normally do this, write an entry at my desktop, but while thoughts are flowing i better get this stuff out. i went to see my general practitioner (physician) last wednesday because i was concerned that i had an infection of some sort (after the flu/food poisoning that i suffered the previous weekend). he determined that the dry cough i had been suffering from for the past 6 weeks was caused by an increase in the dosage of Lisinopril that he prescribed after the episodes of my blood pressure elevating last month. during this visit he inquired as to progress i was making in finding a new psychiatrist. i told him that the doctors he had referred me to were not accepting new patients with my insurance configuration. then, he delivered a bombshell. if i did not find a new psychiatrist, soon, he would drop me as a patient. he has been my doctor since 1998 and refuses to take responsibility for me because i suffer from a mental illness. well, i called the county health department ...

the time has come to write this post. all of my pre-contemplative ideas of how to speak beguilinigly, to offer an illusion that i have been in control of my life are exhausted. so now i will write pretty much straight from the gut. i don't know how to say that i screwed up without saying that I AM screwed up. i mean, in some ways i can seperate my self from my situation(s) but the majority of the time the weight and presence of this physical being and it's dense mind coerce me to believe in a "smaller self". in some ways i'm glad i screwed up at school, this time, again, this way... it's familiar yet it was new. i always seem to make some sort of impression when i come out of my shell and become able to participate with other people in studies. people seem to think i'm a likable character but no one ever really seems to like me. the people over the years that i still keep in touch with would forget about me if it weren't for me keeping in touc...

Regarding Bipolar Disorder: Lili has a family history of bipolar disorder (manic-depression) through her father. She received a diagnoses of bipolar disorder herself as a teen during her high-school years. In an article entitled “Lili in Bloom,“ Gini Sikes of the Washington Post writes, “Taylor herself became so depressed in high school that for a time she simply stopped going. She also developed an eating disorder, now past. ... ‘In high school I thought I was much fatter than I actually was. I figured if no one could see my emotional pain, maybe they'd see my bones sticking out and recognize I'm distraught’.” However, Lili believes she was misdiagnosed and does not take medications. The therapist Lila saw during her teens “suspected Taylor's symptoms might disappear once she found an outlet for her creative energies -- which is exactly what happened, Taylor says” (NPR, 2004). In a question and answer session after a performance of "Dead Eye Boy" in New York on...

I have been deliberating the writing of this blog entry for a couple of days now, so before I get more confused, or end up leaving more pieces out - here goes. It's been a strange week. I'm not exactly sure when this mood and energy shift started (other than some recollection that I did not take ANY Cymbalta last Friday). I have not been to school since then either. A lot of thoughts and revelations have occurred this week. In particular deciding that I do not want to become a web-developer or waste precious time learning a skill I may only ever have minimal personal use for (why learn Dreamweaver if all I'm ever going to need to do is tweak my Blogger?). The matter of deciding to drop this class opened up a deeper soul investigation than I expected though. I was born with a mental framework that allows very little grey area into my visions. I see things in ultimates and absolutes. My greys are where my energies get muted into depression. When I can't see clea...