THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

had a slice of chocolate cake and a hot cup of ginger tea and feel a short burst of brightness to utter a few words. i had another appointment with my psychiatrist last week, and well, my arguments of defense to stay off meds failed. rather than my arguments not being strong enough in logic, i think it is that my powers to defend myself articulately have become weakened. psych appts are brief to begin with. i feel like my ability to argue broke down several appts ago when i began to complain about not being able to sleep for more than 4 hours straight. so guess what? she recognized that my main complaint from the meds she's had me on was that i was becoming depressed and incapable of participating in my normal activities; like photo shoots and covering concerts and working on my book... so she decided to allow me to take an antidepressant; Lexapro. But no antidepressant without also taking a mood stabilizer. you won't believe what i agreed to try again - i still can't beli...

really not doing well. have a ticket to see one of my favorite bands of all time that are playing in san francisco tonight, apocalyptica, and i have decided not to go. i am in physical pain and feel so locked up emotionally from a lack of anyone to talk to. do you know what it feels like when you go for months and months and months without having anyone to just shoot the breeze with? when you have no one to talk to about how you are feeling on a daily basis, no one to talk to about things that interest you, no one to do things with that interest you... you get used to silence, you get used to believing that this is the way things are going to be forever, you become less of a believer that things will ever change, and sure, you become bitter. you become less willing to be frank when someone asks you how things are. because you don't want everyone to think that you are as big of a loser as you seem to be, as big of a loser as you feel you are, believe you are... blah, blah, blah, i k...

i watched a movie last night that really had some disturbing affects on me. i'm getting too old and sedate in my stogy ways to be slapped on the upside of the head by meanings of truth (exposed in film and literature) and care enough anymore to take suggestions to change to heart. years ago i would have watched this film and would have found courage and inspiration to take the good messages from the film and use them to bolster up my opinion of myself. the message i received last night went the other direction and made me more aware of my separateness from the world of people. the movie was " into the wild ". really a bit of genius film making and an incredible biographical tale of one of the bravest lives i've ever heard of being lived in recent years. i don't follow current movies anymore so i had never heard much about this except that someone did recommend it to me a while ago. the title stuck in my head i guess. something i would have benefited from watching ...