THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i have not heard back from Meg yet, not via email at least. yesterday though, i got a strong influx of psychic energy from her that made me think that she completed the task. i had a feeling for a few days that she might just go for it, the adventurous and daring girl that she seems to be. i used to get signals like this a lot from all sorts of people. used to be a hallmark characteristic of mine, to be able to tune into people from a distance, people i used to know, people i wanted to know, people i wanted to work with in some way. it was an invisible and imaginative method that i created for myself to fight the woes of lonesomeness with. it was what i used to find my first wife. yes, truly. psychic connections with people is the best way to create deep and lasting interactions. i pulled my wife to me out of the ethers nearly 30 years ago and we are still involved (minimally now) in each others lives. what do i need to do now though to create connections out of the ethers? i need to s...

ok, one of you must be responsible for the things that are suddenly coming together and i want to know who it is NOW! no, i'm kidding. i don't believe that any individual is any more responsible for the synchronicity of events than saying that a divine force could be responsible... but still, something has shifted significant, symbolic and timely events into focus and i'm getting a little blown away by it. one thing that sort of started this whole ball rolling was meeting this guy in town named "Phil". he is a painter and there is an amazing portrait that another painter in town painted of him.; it's on the wall at this Starbutz on Love Lane in Danville and "Phil" likes to sit beneath it. i'm beginning to think of him as an unofficial mayor of this town as he knows everyone it seems and you can always seem to find him when you need to with little effort. anyway, the first day i met him we got onto the subject of "my novel" about Eugene ...

Disclaimer: I'm going to say some things in this post that reveal extremely personal and secret things about myself. Thus, it is being translated into a foreign language. I will include a link somewhere in this post to the literal translation. I will tell things truthfully, yet there is also a powerful element of fantasy being used. Ok, enough! I went out on Saturday with a female friend to attend a concert. I had won free tickets to a show at the Great American Music Hall, courtesy of the amazing Leah . The woman I decided to ask to go with me is someone that I have known since January from college. I can talk pretty openly with her and have wanted to go out to take photographs together with her for some time now. She had suggested that we go out together on Father's Day and uncelebrate the day, seeing that we both have "no fathers". I thought it was a great idea but I fell into an ugly funk that weekend and was just unable to celebrate, or not, in any way. So gettin...

non sûr ce que vous recevrez des nouvelles moi aujourd'hui. ou si vous pourrez le lire j'ai eu une réalisation hier qu'une partie de la raison pour laquelle obtenir je ne peux pas ce que je veux est que je le rends si évident que je suis dans le besoin. ainsi, peut-être est un changement d'attitude ce que je dois entreprendre. je laisse tellement de mon énergie sortir aux endroits inconnus à la recherche de de ce que j'ai besoin et c'est unmet. quand est-il senti par d'autres qu'il a ce dégoût indigent à lui ainsi à la baise qui, hein ? je n'ai besoin aucun ou n'importe quelle chose tout que j'ai est exacte ici chez moi je connais que ceci ne fonctionnera pas parce qu'une partie de ce qu'est ma logique est ceci. je passe tout mon seul temps déjà. je pourrais aussi bien m'amuser être par me, seul je ne vais pas obtenir d'avoir l'amusement avec d'autres en le désirant plus, quand je demande à d'autres pour avoir l...

i'm getting a bad memory and am feeling worse today. many bad memories, having faulty reasoning.  hopelessness is cropping up strongly. when i first went into therapy back in 1989, it was all the things, emotions, feelings, excuses, get dug up, stirred up. therapy is a shitty thing to put people through. what did people do to come to better understandings about their lives, their problems prior to Sigmund Freud and the science of psychoanalysis? They danced, they sang, they fucked, they fought... and today you find someone like me that lives in stifled frustration, that stays locked in his room and drowns in regrets and hurt and decides to give up on ever trying to love or have success again. i wish i had the balls to commit a crime. that way i could be taken before a court of law and be given the opportunity to make a confession.  i feel so guilty about how i've failed in life that i want say i'm sorry. i want to take the blame for crimes that others have...

i'm better today than i was yesterday. i am sorry for all that vile that poured out of my guts, especially if it spilled on any of your pretty frocks. i picked my mom up from her latest pet sitting job and we went out for lunch at our favorite restaurant (Bombay) in Walnut Creek. I got a perfect parking place in the shade just across the street, and just as i was turning the car off i felt my phone vibrating in my shirt pocket.  it was my son Billy phoning from Ireland to wish me a happy father's day. so those two things, hearing from Billy and eating a delicious Indian lunch jacked up my spirit pretty good. there is more detail i need to explain about what was so debilitating yesterday, and maybe i'll do it here, maybe i won't. another sign that i perked up even more was that i did in fact take my camera out with me today and shot two panographys. one is displayed on my Flickr account.  it's really atrocious and it doesn't rank in quality of w...

not good, no, no, sinking really... i used to have a blog called, um, jeeze, now i can't remember. something like, "I'm going down with this ship..." it had photos of sinking boats in the banner. i was really depressed back then, although the writing i did was more along the lines of a memoir; retelling stories of my life experiences. it was a "blogger blog" so it is still online somewhere. if i remember the name and can find it i'll provide a link. but today is not a good day. i actually had a suicidal ideation earlier this week. it was probably the really hot day we had because the vision that entered my imagination was of myself hanging from a tree in the backyard and i pictured the body not being found for several days and that crows would have eaten the eyes out... i also remember thinking that it would be a good way to go because the news of such an event, the discovery of a decayed and hanging body would be memorable in my oh so vanilla town. and ...

i woke up feeling quite disconcerted today, not really sure why.  one thing that started the day off on a dark note was watching the final episode of Bob Barker's The Price is Right.  i'm gonna miss that old, familiar routine, a game show in which i could have won thousands and thousands of dollars worth of material possessions (because i've watched the show so long that i know the prices of most of the prizes that contestants have to guess at.  for instance, if i were the first contestant on stage today i would have won 3 brand new cars!  i knew the exact prices to guess to win.  seeing that young woman get two of the prices correct and then miss the third price was very upsetting. ok, that was a smoke screen.  yes, i will miss Bob and am concerned about what he will do with all his free time now that he is retired.  the bigger issue for me today was going to the county health offices today to have my first app...

Red Flags: Warning Signs of Mania From Kimberly Read & Marcia Purse , Your Guide to Bipolar Disorder . Stay up to date! Bipolar Basics by Kimberly Read There are a number of warning signs of manic episodes, red flags as many call them, of which we should be aware. By learning these early indicators, red flags will go up before a loved one rockets into a manic spree, before you slide into depression, before a friend actually attempts suicide. In this article, the first in a four-part series, we look at some of the common red flags for mania and hypomania. Part II looks at depression flags; Part III , the warning flags for Suicide; and Part IV , the early signs of childhood-onset bipolar disorder (COBPD). These symptoms are organized into broad categories for easier reference; this list of symptoms is gathered from personal experience as well as the resources listed elsewhere on this page. Increased energy Decreased sleep Little fatigue An increase in activities Restlessness Speech ...

Before I let any more time lapse, I must state that the free pass I was given to attend the Spindrift/Vietnam/Black Angels concert earlier this month was NOT the first time I was given a photographer's pass to a concert. The first time was last November when Robin Slick gave me free admission to the Adrian Belew Power Trio 's concert in Santa Cruz . Robin is who credit goes to for my entry this arena of being able to develop this latent skill of creatively photographing live music performances. She has been a great encourager to me in the development of both my writing and photography endeavors and I'm very grateful to her for also being a friend. Robin is who got me my involved with the LitPark crowd too. So today, I whole-heartedly give a big shout out and astral hug to purveyor of the arts, Robin Slick! She is a great writer by the way...! So, my photos are getting some exposure. The Mutants , who played at Dirk Fest on Friday night have put one of my photogr...

Red Flags: Warning Signs of Depression From Kimberly Read & Marcia Purse , Your Guide to Bipolar Disorder . Stay up to date! Bipolar Basics by Kimberly Read We continue the topic of red flags, those early indicators of an impending mood swing, with the depressive episode. A depressive episode, as it relates to bipolar disorder, can be defined as the downswing in a mood cycle. Depression is characterized by profound sadness, dejection or despair. Generally depression is not tied to a specific experience or it is well beyond a typical response to a painful event. It is an extreme emotional state that impairs daily living. In this article, the second in a four-part series, we look at some of the common red flags of depression, because the earlier an episode is treated, the less its severity. I have organized these symptoms into broad categories for easier reference. It is important to note that depression is experienced differently from one person to the next so not all symptoms will ...

--I found this letter inside my inbox when I woke up this morning.  One of the most encouraging statements of belief I've ever received from anyone I know.  I'm not ToTallY misunderstood, now, am I?-- Hey D, I read your blog this morning and it's shocking to read about your Dr's. It's amazing how our nation has the nerve to "make the world" a better place and doesn't even take care of it's own population. I hope your depression doesn't take over again. Daryl, you are a unique person and that comes with a lot of invisible responsibility, uncommon reward, and over the top human emotion. You are so FORTUNATE to be in the position you are because you have the ability to go anywhere in the world and write and photograph anything you want.  You have taken the time to understand spirituality and beauty and that leads to uncommon wisdom not everyone can understand in the here and now, but maybe in the future another generatio...

i don't normally do this, write an entry at my desktop, but while thoughts are flowing i better get this stuff out. i went to see my general practitioner (physician) last wednesday because i was concerned that i had an infection of some sort (after the flu/food poisoning that i suffered the previous weekend). he determined that the dry cough i had been suffering from for the past 6 weeks was caused by an increase in the dosage of Lisinopril that he prescribed after the episodes of my blood pressure elevating last month. during this visit he inquired as to progress i was making in finding a new psychiatrist. i told him that the doctors he had referred me to were not accepting new patients with my insurance configuration. then, he delivered a bombshell. if i did not find a new psychiatrist, soon, he would drop me as a patient. he has been my doctor since 1998 and refuses to take responsibility for me because i suffer from a mental illness. well, i called the county health department ...

I went to the Dirk Fest show at the Great American Music Hall on Friday night and had a really good time. I got some decent photos too. I should write this post at another time because my energy is really flat and I'm bordering on a depression. I made some notes while waiting for the show to start Friday night. I'll post them later I guess. About the final realization that I had about the time I spent attending Mabuhay Gardens between 1977-79. That the music set me free but that as far as an attempt of fitting into a social movement, it failed me. I walked in alone and that last night I ever went there, I walked away alone. Friday night I felt that same aloneness. I recognized no one. No one spoke to me. I hate this quandry about my life. Wanting to be a friend/associate/member yet still, I walk the streets alone. Now, this is not entirely fair to say because Friday night before the concert I phoned my friend Rita, who lives on Bush Street in SF, about 4 blocks away from the Gr...

it's been an interesting week. the after effects of the supposed food poisoning kept me in bed till Sunday. a depression has kicked in as a result and i've worked myself into a pretty good, isolation mood. tried to organize a photo stroll that was to take place this afterenoon but there were no takers. also, tonight and tomorrow night are the Dirk Dirksen Festivals in San Francisco. i had serious desire to attend this time last week. tonight, i could care less. i was going to tirade a bit about what a drag it is to try to organize, interest, and excite people to do something with you, and then i was going wonder out loud about what makes people then go silent in communications. i mean, you are talking about a plan on the phone and via emails, then silence. to say you are not interested in doing something by abstention of any sort of reply is rude. oh, i can't write this because by being vague in this manner i only lend more strength to confusion. tirade-ing anyway, aren...

Well, I had a very excellent time at the concert I went to on Wednesday night. I was on the guest-list for Spindrift and was given a special wristband to wear that allowed me access to all areas of the club. I didn't go backstage though as the band members I was familiar with were hanging out around the merch table. Unfortunately, the opening performer started his set late and Spindrift, respectfully played a shorter set than planned so that the remaining bands had full time to play. This was unfortunate as it did not seem that Spindrift ever really got fully into their psychedelic groove. And I heard later that Vietnam , the 3rd band to play didn't get into their groove either. I thought Vietnam rocked though. Definitely my fav performers of the night. A lot of people were friendly with me this night. Chaz, a young man doing security at the front door chatted with me out front before the doors opened. Henry , the young fella that plays the double guitar for Spindrift ...