THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i wrote something, probably too personal - as usual, for Coach Marshall's online guest book and the moderator, one of the Marshall kids seems to have chosen not to display it. i submitted it on Friday and i thought that maybe it was because of the long weekend. they were just not paying attention to submissions... and that may still be the case. i dunno. thing is, now it's got me in a tailspin about attending the memorial on Friday. if they dissed me over what i wrote, maybe that means they don't want to see me there, and i don't have enough power of personality on my own behalf to go there alone. i don't know anyone that will be there, except maybe Linda Silva, but i haven't heard from her in ages. i guess i could call her. anytime i've called her in the past it usually takes her about 3 weeks to respond. i'll probably still go anyway but just slip in and sit in the back row so i can leave as quickly afterwards as possible. if anyone had cared to contac...

we were just hanging out for the afternoon and i decided to take her by my cemetery in Danville, you know, the one where I hang out all the time alone. i've never taken anyone there, as a friend, to just hang out with. (of course i had my camera with me...) but while we walked around i observed the way she acted and what interested her, and before i knew it she was acting out in manners very similar to ways that the young woman in my novel acts. the photos in this set were unplanned and unprompted. since she is my writing partner, i'm sure she'll want to revisit the cemetery and explore the place more to help motivate me to finish writing my story. that this strong of an experience occurred and i did not rush home and start working on the novel just shows how deeply receded it has fallen into my subconscious, yet again. i believe that my meeting her, and am now focusing on only wanting to photograph her (and not any more new models) is a mechanism for me to get back on tr...

Obituary ANDREW MARSHALL    |    Visit Guest Book "Coach Marshall" Andrew Stephen (Steve) Marshall May 16, 1930 - May 14, 2012 Resident of Danville Beloved Father and Husband, longtime resident of Danville, and retired school  teacher  at Monte Vista High, Steve passed away peacefully at the age of 81, with his family by his side. Steve as a young man, served in the Merchant Marines, and started out "as low as you can" working his way up to a licensed Marine Engineer, from 1946-1951. When he came home from the sea he worked night jobs, so he could go to college to earn multiple degrees, a BA from Pomona College in 1964 and an MA from Claremont Graduate School in 1965. He went on to become a beloved teacher and coach at Monte Vista High School for 35 years. At the young age of 40, Steve became paralyzed from the waist down. When they told him he would never walk again, he simply told them that they were wrong. Through th...

nous avons ce test, nous faisons les uns aux autres en ce moment, une épreuve de force si vous voulez. et je ne sais pas pourquoi nous le faisons ou qui est le gagnant sera. Je lui demande de prendre des photos d'elle-même porter des articles que j'ai acheté pour elle. parfois elle le fait tout de suite, sans plaintes et d'autres fois, elle semble non plus oublier, ou tout simplement refuse plaine, parce qu'elle «peut». et j'ai l'impression d'avoir le droit d'être insistante qu'elle fais ce que je demande, si je continue à demander jusqu'à ce qu'elle se conforme. mais ensuite elle se plaint que je suis "guilting son" et ce n'est pas drôle, mais j'ai toujours la louer pour sa beauté ... c'est un jeu étrange. Je lui dis que je vais renoncer à demander. si elle ne me donne pas une photo après une demande, je ne veux plus poser une deuxième fois et qu'elle suffit de savoir que si je ne demande pas à nouveau, ce n'est...

i’m glad she wrote what she’s thinking in such/much clearer terms on her journal, but this is so crazy that we talk to each other through so many layers of subterfuge; via emails, text msgs, innuendos, and so few direct real time conversations... it’s the modern age where we have the quickest means of communication available to us in the history of the world, but the meanings of our hearts and minds are only becoming more confused because it’s so multi-leveled and tiered. why are we playing these games? here i am hyperbolizing and hypothesizing for the sake of hearing my own voice, but i’m not saying anything. i just want to hear her voice. even if there are gaps of silence while we struggle to find the courage to say what it is we really are feeling. the emotion in our voices when we are weak and struggling to bear the truth is what is real about life. words on a screen are flat and bloodless.

This is a video made from photographs I shot of Cam Damage , back in February. This is almost exactly the vision I had in mind, when I proposed this portion of our shoot to her. To embody the personality of a pagan, roughshod Joan of Arc , a young woman that might have battled with internal demons & angels before she battled with men in the fields and trenches of France. We did the shoot very early in the morning, it was quite chilly, and yes, she is wearing very little clothing. I only posted this video yesterday. Sometimes it takes awhile for an idea to coalesce for me.

Temple Tattoo, Oakland - April 24, 2012 This is Scarlett. We've known each other since last August. She's a young woman that lives nearby and I am extremely fond of her. If you are a long time reader of this blog, you'll recall that I've yearned for companionship with someone like this for quite awhile. There have been a couple of touch and go attempts with other local girls (Monica, Rachel, and Kacey, if you recall the stories) and other online friendships but none of them took root like this one has started to. My friendship with Scarlett is strictly platonic, professional, and ethereal. We have explored through discussions the depths of intimacy we are both safe and comfortable with so that we can keep our friendship intact and strong and have established parameters for behavior when we are out together. There are no imaginations going on of ever escalating our relationship to anything more intimate. Professionally we are very strongly affiliated with intere...

i’m trying to be mean. i’m trying to be obstinate. i’m trying to be opposite things of my nature, for a change, thinking with rotten logic that if maybe i act the right bastard and be a “bad boy”, maybe she’ll come running to me the way i always run to her, because she’s my maiden in distress and my princess...  and my nature is to always want to serve and please her. and i’m further sickened with myself than i was yesterday when it was just realizations about how false and conniving my tactics at achieving her friendship were. when i cast myself off into my dungeon of solitude yesterday, so that i could try this tactic of illogically displaying my worthlessness, but furthermore showing her that she has all she needs in the other people of her life... that i am nothing but a stone around her neck that will drag her to the bottom of the sea. she has a man that gives her emotional comfort and satisfies her sexual needs. she has reacquired the attention of her dream-soul mate. she ...

i made a decision a few days ago to self regulate my medications. my pdoc failed to cooperate with me and allow me to try out using Straterra to see if it would assist me achieve power of concentration to achieve goals. Simple goals of completing academic style tasks, like reading books, paying attention through a film from beginning to end, coming up with ideas for writing projects and being able to sit down and write out an outline without drifting off into daydreams after just 10 minutes and then not being able to remember at all what my original ideas were. Simple kinds of tasks that a normal majority of human beings on this planet are able to do. Not all humans are perfect and not all can do these things at all times, but I used to be able to do them much more aptly than I have been able to over the past 4-6 months. Yes, even just 8 months ago I was in much better mental dexterous condition than I am now. Well, better than I was up until a couple of days ago. Before I wre...

well, i did it! i let go of my angst and what i yearned for came to me. (it wasn't as easy as that sounds, but now that i am there, here , it feels like all the years of moaning and groaning i went through were birth pangs or death growls in comparison to the cloud of bliss i have ascended to am floating on now). "what the hell is he talking about?", are you screaming? I FOUND MY PERFECT FRIEND. and i've reopened my blog to the public. all in the same 24 hour period. two major manifestations in one day. i'm overjoyed by the one, but i'm a little out of practice about the other and i'm stumbling to find my old blogger voice. i've been blogging in private since i left here back in January and there i don't give a dang about syntax or spelling or telling a good story... so i have to get my mojo back a bit here... bear with me. the story of my new friendship is worth telling, and worth listening to. and it's going to take me time to bring it ...