THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i fell in love with the music of opeth during the winter of 2007. it was near the time when i first discovered the soothing balm of death metal music... they are playing in San Francisco on Tuesday night and i feel like i should be there. i'm on the verge of buying a ticket to go by myself. i just would rather have someone to go with. my first choice of who i'd like to go with is my oldest known Opeth fan friend, Rachel. i still have a crush on her and i think she suspects this. she said no when i asked her to go with me. i wrote a note just a few minutes ago to see if young Kaiti, the fiery Norse-goddess from Oakland wants to go. waiting to hear back from her. if she says yes, i will definitely go. tempted to ask Daisy, sort of as a last resort but she seems so spacey to me sometimes when i've been out with her before i'm not sure what it would be like to be with her, even though any time i've been out with her before i've enjoyed myself. and here is the sad fa...

okay, i'm not sure where this came from but i am so glad it came. i just sprung up with an idea that could be monumental, if i can really tap into a power source and get focused enough to do it. i think i can write not just one, but a series of "Cemetery Girl" novels. of course, i need to get the first one finished... but there is inspiration inside all of my models that i have photographed that i can create new stories from. they'd have to be short novels. this is the thing i have to start brainstorming "down" with, is bringing the hugeness of the first novel i have been wanting to write down to a manageable size. you have to get focused though, man. your energy goes out so many places and it's hard for you to concentrate... just sitting here in the cafe for 2 hours tonight you hit on some amazing breakthrough ideas. first you have to finish the Danville Cemetery Girl story. then you can write the Wenchi-Julia Morgan Cemetery Girl story. then you ca...

okay, so i'm feeling a new idea pull together about how to get my senses to pull in their straggling, wavering indifference's about how to be serious about what is going on these days... how's that for a blur of meaning and intent...  so here is one thing that realllllly bothers me, and i don't know if it's a mirrored reflection of my own personality and the energy i put out as a person and an artist or what. it must be, but why it works this way i'm really not sure. a mystery of life i guess...  i keep asking models if they want to do some new work with me. and everyone says, "yes" and "soon" and "i'll get back to you", but soon never comes. i am either only asking indecisive and insecure models to work with me, or i am equally radiating an air of indecision and wishy-washyness. i mean, i'll confess to that for sure because i have been feeling wishy washy over the past few weeks. without confident and energetic desires comi...

i did have an idea, once, of using my cemetery girl photographs as the basis for writing children stories with. or at least writing stories in a children's story book-like format; picture story books... if you will. not that the stories would need to be fit for children, but that the allure may be in the stories being fairy-tale like... or the appearance of the books being appealing in an innocent style that might make them more attractive to buyers. and see? this is where i fail as a social creature. i do not have the ability to attract anyone to sit down next to me to have a conversation with to talk about this idea and say, "hey! wanna collaborate? i have this idea but i'm not sure how to do it just right. and i'm willing to let you work on this with me, share making this a creation between the two of us." it's partly because i don't know anyone well enough. the people i do know all think i am just a do-it-by-yourself-kinda-guy and they never suspect ...

i'm getting emotional about my inability to make the things i want to have happen in my life happen. i'm getting emotionally unsettled. pressure is building. the kettle is nearing it's boiling point. i really need something new to happen and if it doesn't come about soon of it's own power i'm going to have to break something on purpose to make it happen.  idle threat? maybe, maybe not. i don't think it has to be a drastic break or destruction, maybe just a rewrite of some of the precepts i have that i live by... i mean, i always do this, all the time anyway, don't i... okay, so here is the issue of the day. i'm really frustrated with my so-called-career as a photographer. as far as i'm concerned, i gave photography a try, got some pleasure from the experience, but i did not succeed in becoming a professional. i have developed no marketable skills that anyone will hire me for and no one will buy the "art work" that i have already creat...

but i just need to say something so here goes nothing... i have a new friend that i've been opening up to this week, which has been nice. she is someone that has modeled for me. one of my most recent models. someone that i was taken with on several levels right from the start... for one thing, she is captivatingly beautiful. i've never seen an unflattering photograph of her yet. none from other photographers and none that i have taken of her. she exudes a confidence unbecoming for someone so new and fresh on the scene. when i photographed her, it was during a shoot where she was accompanied by 2 other models and there was a vying for time thing going on. i wanted to photograph the three models together, but i also wanted to give each individual model private time. the private time i gave this particular model slipped by so quickly though, elusively and somehow before i knew it she had flitted out of my view. i don't think i fully recognized the power of her presence when i ...

i don't want to dream all day but i don't mind my days being dream-like. what i do mind is that my days are murky and sludge-like and i can't seem to move through my hours with the fluidity that i'd like to. i want to, no, need to be able to swim through the seas of my days like a powerful and free being unencumbered by the distractions of physical ennui that make it difficult for me to do all the things that my mind is so horny to do. i want to rape the days that i have left to live but many days i feel tied up in the sheets that i lay down in and cannot unravel enough awareness and clarity of mind to be able to get enough blood flowing through my veins to electrify a strong enough hard on to even feel attractive enough to lure a day or life to have a romantic encounter with me. i really feel like i need to cause an earthquake, or a typhoon. i have enough pent up emotions inside of me to storm and shake earth and sky but my days are shadowy and i don't see the li...

into my own imagination goes my whimsical advances towards the setting sun of friendships that never really existed. false sunrises that hint at possibilities of real experiences in real lives with real people but are only dreamlike expectations that occur on moonscapes of non-existent realities. you imagine something you want to have happen in real life, you dream about it, you envision it, you plan on ways to make it happen, if you wish deeply enough from the well of fulfillment in your soul there is a chance that a germ may sprout and a plant may grow... but so many ingredients have to be in place, in accord... there is no assurance that anything could come about from your wishes, from your dreams so it is better to live, not with expectation of your dreams being fulfilled magically. you have to participate to some degree in the becoming, but the balance... how you figure out your involvement. that is the most delicate matter. i'm beating around the bush of trying to say somet...