September blues

 This has been a month barren of joy. For how joyful my birthday month has been over the past many, many years, I'm quite surprised that the month I usually experience the greatest joy in has been so dismal. I can attribute it to many things; my mother not being here to celebrate it with for one. Also, my son just moved his family out of state 3 weeks ago, so those are two very large components of my life that I don't get to interact with anymore. More so I guess giving credit to the world changes occurring in this bizarre year of 2020 deserves mentioning too.

My spiritual evolution has been tantamount this year, so I am on the fence about believing that the sadness and disconnect I am feeling is not part of the bigger picture of how I am a different being now than I was this time last year. I am stronger and more enlightened spiritually than I perhaps ever been in this life, yet for what I have to show as developments and advancements in the physical world as a benefit of becoming more in-tune with God, I feel like I have slid backwards. I am still woefully single. I have not worked in 6 weeks and feel the barest amount of inspiration to return to the work I had been doing. As far as having a dream of what I'd like my life to look like, or any goals being set to achieve a greater life experience, my chalkboard is blank. I feel no sense of power to use to become a better, happier person.

My happiness is found in the moments when I close my eyes and go inward during meditation. The power of connectivity I feel with the spirits and energies I meet in meditation is the only thing that brings me any sense of peace or true joy. I'd like to spend my entire day in meditation, it's that good. And there are day when I meditate more frequently and for longer periods of time than other days, but my life is a far shadow of being like what I experienced when I lived in the ashram. 

I would love to be able to walk out the door of my house and start to wander the earth, but I'm not brave, or insane enough to do that. I'd love to move back into the ashram and spend the hours of my remaining days here on earth in devotion to God and the Guru again, but I feel emotionally and psychically bound to this house that I live in. Earlier today I went into the garage where a lot of my belongings have been put into boxes/storage. I was incapable of packing those boxes (my brother did that work), so I have no idea where specific things are. I was hoping to find a doll to send to my granddaughter for her birthday next week, but the prospects of even knowing where to start in a search for a singular item like that were too daunting, and I just threw my hands up in the air in hopelessness. In the way that I have felt that I'm a prisoner of this city that I've called "home" for the last 40+ years, I feel that I'm a prisoner in this house too. Despite all the potential there is to "make a life" and "do what you will" in these two places, I feel like I walk around these places with a sack over my head, and that my hands and feet are shackled. I don't feel like these places are "mine".

Earlier this month, around the time of my birthday I had a depressing realization that my life, in the timeline of my genealogy, has been a crux of transformation. The men in my family tree's recent generations have all suffered short lives of inadequate development. I was the first one to come close to getting a college education. I outlived my father. And now I am the oldest of many generations of eldest men in my family tree. I have struggled to become so many types of successful in this life, but have fallen short in almost everything I have ever tried to become. I do believe that I've lived a greater and more prosperous life than my fathers and grandfathers etc lived, but I feel also that perhaps I've lived the most lonely and saddest life of many of them. I'm at a point where I feel like the only thing I will ever succeed at is surrendering to the fates and whims of God. To give up hoping or trying to become any person of acclaim, or success. It's what I've been worn down to believe. And this all falls in line with becoming a wanderer of the earth. Maybe this is the dawning of awareness that many people experience when they give up their fights and go homeless. 

I had a very quick flash of feeling suicidal today, when I was in the garage hoping to find that doll to send to my granddaughter. My mind flashed upon how impossible it feels for me to do anything in this house. One dream I have is of having my very own place to live where I can take all of these boxes of possessions that I've accumulated over my lifetime and have the space and freedom to go through them all and decide what is worth keeping, and what I can let go of. I have what most people would consider junk. A lot of it. But they are all souvenirs of the memories of things I've done in my lifetime. They are what my dreams are made from. But I can't do it here. Because of the mentality of my brother, who I live with, I feel powerless to do anything in this house. I try to spend as little time as possible here when he is home, and when I do have to be here I shut the door to my bedroom for privacy. I have difficulty reading, so contrarily I watch a LOT of programs on television to feel a connection to the fantasy of having human interactions in my life, and also to experience emotions. I don't watch hardly anything that makes me laugh, but most shows make me cry. I do feel concern that because of the state of the way things are in the world now, that I might get swept up into a wave of those who want to leave this life, and leave this world.. but I'm going to fight entertaining the kind of thinking that would suck me into that.

My strength is to spend time meditating. And also to be able to be near nature. Because of the wildfires and the toxic smoke they have been flooding our area with, I have not been able to go for walks in nature due to fear of becoming ill from lung infections. And I have not been able to go to work for the same reasons. So I'll stop here. I just wanted to document this state I'm in.