getting closer to the edge...
It's becoming more and more obvious that I am probably going to start taking psych meds again for my depression heavy bipolar disorder. I am back in the worse sleep routine style of behavior which is a major indicator of being depressed, and the use of kratom is not shaking me out of it. I am back in a routine-less, structure-less life with no ambitions or goals. Nothing I had feelings of being able to dream into reality earlier this year seem realistic anymore. I am not feeling an extreme desperation about this yet, but it's likely to wrap itself around me before too long. The main thing that worries me about going back on meds is how I'll become incapacitated and literally unable to take care of my mom.
Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up around 1pm. But some days I sleep from 5am to 9am then fall asleep again from 11am until 3pm. Regardless, my most wakeful and productive hours are between 11pm and 5am. And strangely, I like this. But I know it's wrong and it's a sign of my mental disorder stealing control of my life and mind.
If I were to start meds again I'm not even sure what I'd let her prescribe for me. Possibly Lithium, even though I have a sworn hatred of that medicine. Topamax was the last mood stabilizer I felt okay using. Seroquel is something that has an extremely deep ability to wrestle my misbehavior out of my control. It scares me though. These all scare me because they have the ability to knock me unconscious into deep, non-dreaming sleep. I fought so hard to break dependence from these meds so that I could sleep naturally again. I just don't know what I will do.
Another thing that has me worried now is what happened this past week in the cemetery. I was there with my best friend and we decided to play with a "ghost-box". A device believed to be able to awaken and channel the voices of the deceased. Well, I was not too focused on what we were hearing, but what did happen was that my third eye began to open up very widely and energy flooded in, and well, affected me. I wasn't aware of feeling any oppressive energy while we were there but later I was feeling a lot of oppressive energy impinging on my mood.
I go to cemeteries a lot. It is my favorite past time and I think that in my doing it so much I have become inured to feeling any threats of oppressive energy. And no, I do not normally do any type of thing to awaken the spirits of the beings who's bodies dwell there. Nothing significant like using a ghostbox. We've used the Echovox software before, but it never brought up an upheaval of oppressive energy like this before. My best friend also felt overwhelmed by this energy. I took it worse though.
One thing that it amplifies in my inner thoughts is feeling the sadness about my being such a singular human being. I felt sadness about the fact that I do not live my life engaged in activities or relationships with other humans. I spend most of the time of my life alone, and I think that the spirit energy that was stirred up amplified this awareness for me. I am stuck being this way though. The older that I get the harder it is for me to get along with people, to meet new people, to feel brave enough to take risks of getting involved with people. This sadness welled up very strongly after this experience in the cemetery. It hit me so hard that I have feelings of fear of going back to the cemetery any time soon. This has happened to me before, back years ago when I used to spend huge amounts of time there in my obsession. I will go back eventually but I'm not sure when. I'm not sure what could happen now to heal this oppression other than letting time pass.
Here is what I think using meds could possibly do to help me. They'll help me restructure my daily schedule and wrestle back a normal sleep pattern. Right now I can't even tell you what regularity there is in my sleep other than I stay awake until 5am and wake up around 1pm. But some days I sleep from 5am to 9am then fall asleep again from 11am until 3pm. Regardless, my most wakeful and productive hours are between 11pm and 5am. And strangely, I like this. But I know it's wrong and it's a sign of my mental disorder stealing control of my life and mind.
If I were to start meds again I'm not even sure what I'd let her prescribe for me. Possibly Lithium, even though I have a sworn hatred of that medicine. Topamax was the last mood stabilizer I felt okay using. Seroquel is something that has an extremely deep ability to wrestle my misbehavior out of my control. It scares me though. These all scare me because they have the ability to knock me unconscious into deep, non-dreaming sleep. I fought so hard to break dependence from these meds so that I could sleep naturally again. I just don't know what I will do.
Another thing that has me worried now is what happened this past week in the cemetery. I was there with my best friend and we decided to play with a "ghost-box". A device believed to be able to awaken and channel the voices of the deceased. Well, I was not too focused on what we were hearing, but what did happen was that my third eye began to open up very widely and energy flooded in, and well, affected me. I wasn't aware of feeling any oppressive energy while we were there but later I was feeling a lot of oppressive energy impinging on my mood.
I go to cemeteries a lot. It is my favorite past time and I think that in my doing it so much I have become inured to feeling any threats of oppressive energy. And no, I do not normally do any type of thing to awaken the spirits of the beings who's bodies dwell there. Nothing significant like using a ghostbox. We've used the Echovox software before, but it never brought up an upheaval of oppressive energy like this before. My best friend also felt overwhelmed by this energy. I took it worse though.
One thing that it amplifies in my inner thoughts is feeling the sadness about my being such a singular human being. I felt sadness about the fact that I do not live my life engaged in activities or relationships with other humans. I spend most of the time of my life alone, and I think that the spirit energy that was stirred up amplified this awareness for me. I am stuck being this way though. The older that I get the harder it is for me to get along with people, to meet new people, to feel brave enough to take risks of getting involved with people. This sadness welled up very strongly after this experience in the cemetery. It hit me so hard that I have feelings of fear of going back to the cemetery any time soon. This has happened to me before, back years ago when I used to spend huge amounts of time there in my obsession. I will go back eventually but I'm not sure when. I'm not sure what could happen now to heal this oppression other than letting time pass.
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