free write... let's see where we end up...

 Sitting in the Danville Library right now, enjoying the quiet of this place and absorbing the energy of so many volumes of mental concepts and ideations that other humans have channeled into storytelling and research projects. I always feel accompanied by The Greats when I get to visit here to write... I'm still no nearer to feeling focused enough on one idea for a writing project to sit down and say, "This is it! This is the story I will commit to paper..." although last night the thought passed through my mind that for my son's sake of understanding who I am and why my life has been as haphazard as it is all these decades that he's witnessed me flounder, it would benefit him to hear my perspective on why my life has been as messed up as it is. Kinda sadly there's no simple answer like, "Oh dad was a drug addict/alcoholic..." and there's a simple way to wrap up all the explanations of why he never accomplished anything. No, it's more like, "Dad was addicted to God-experiences and his pursuit of The Divine drove him mad..."... Yes, that's a good byline for my autobiography... 

Dad was born under the 29th degree of a Void of Course Moon in Aries... now THAT'S a title I can get behind!

I was thinking this yesterday, about writing my auto-biog as a gift for him as a way of also expressing how much I miss his mom and being able to spend time with her doing things around town here... One of the biggest ways I miss her is by having someone that never tired of discussing the photos we have of our grandchildren... I know my son feels heartbroken that it's unlikely that I'll be able to afford to visit them in Minnesota this summer. I know this because he has stopped suggesting that I come. Before Aine died he would say quite regularly, "When are you going to come to visit?"... and now he knows how much I am struggling to just get through a month paying my bills... he likes to think, "Oh my dad can get a job in a grocery store and make some extra money...".... but truly, dad is not healthy enough to be able to hold down a job in a grocery store. His hunger for God-experiences makes him mentally unstable... so it's like he lives in a different reality than the rest of the normal population...

Even this morning, the first goal I had for the day was to elevate my God-awareness before I could devise a plan to go out into the city to get some food... 

I did my usual 15 minutes of Qi Gong exercise, then I meditated for 20 minutes.. during that meditation I experienced the following vision... My spirit guides know that I have this struggle for a more fulfilling abundance at the forefront of my mind, so I was immediately taken up to a place in the heavens where I met my Grandfather Otto... he took me to this "mountain of gold" in the sky and told me, "This is the source of all forms of abundance for all the universe to experience and draw from..." so I sat mesmerized gazing at, and into this shimmering pyramidal-shaped mountain of golden energy... He instructed me to "embody this mountain, take it's form into your consciousness... let it fill every cell of your beingness...." So I let my energy body both enter into the mountain, and I let the mountain come into my body.  It felt like a natural thing to imagine doing.. it was easy to do...  

I have pretty much already become fully convinced by my spirit guides that I will always have all the funds I need to take care of the expenses that I have... they have never let me die from hunger, or exposure, or not be able to eventually pay all of my bills yet... they have just not taken me to the level of experience where I have more money than I know what to do with.  Where I could be able to say, "Hmmm, I feel like making a trip to Fargo...", and be able to plop down some money and just go do that. But that's where I'd like to ascend to... and by engaging in as many meditation experiences like visiting God's Mountain of Abundance as it will take to make my physical reality fall into alignment with such wealth, well, I'm gonna keep on doing it, more and more and more...

The sad thing is that I feel that my son would find it too painful to read the story of my explanation of my life. I think he's afraid of the madness I've experienced ever manifesting in his, or his children's lives. So would I write out this story for the sake of hearing myself speak? Thinking that at least the answers are there for him (or the grandkids) to read if they feel like it, one day? Or should I just revert to writing fiction with the hope of harming no one with truths that can't be stomached...

I don't feel like I'm any closer to knowing what to do... so I'll probably be back here again soon thinking out loud and enhancing my depression... 

Oh, that's another thought that arose last night. That I am depressed. I'm not depressed on the surface. I have enough things I do in a day to stave off top-level depression, but underneath... I am suffering a hidden, deep-level form of depression... that I accept the unfulfilled aspects of my life as being "normal"... not having a mate, not having a career/profession/calling, having no local friends, not being able to visit family... I've come to say these things are unchangeable and despite the fact that unhappiness springs from them, I tell myself this is normal. I don't talk to my psychiatrist about this. He's feeling like he's doing his job because I have my top-level depression under control... but it's this deep-level depression that I fear will ultimately destroy me. Okay, gonna leave it there for now... didn't know this was going to be set free...