Gordon Ramsey; Life Coach, sorta

 I surprise myself sometimes by the things I find that capture my attention. Lately, I've started binge-watching Master Chef. This hyped-up reality tv show that tries to give home chefs a chance to improve their skills, but also there is the lure of a cash prize and fame. I used to be afraid of Gordon Ramsey because all I really knew him for was his insane anger on that other competitive show of his called Hell's Kitchen, which I had never seen a full episode of before. (I've watched 6 seasons of Master Chef, as well of 6 seasons of Hell's Kitchen at this point in time.)

What I find alluring about the show is the humanity that is focused on in the show. The contestants are very real and honest, and sadly what I benefit from watching this is having a sense of there being people in my life. Of course, I can't interact with these people, but in a bizarre way, I feel like the emotions they stir up in me while I watch the show makes me feel more human.

I don't interact with very many people anymore. There are a few, but the time I spend with them, and the comfort level I have to be open and express my own honest feelings are terribly limited. It takes time to build up levels of comfort and trust with people. My best friend of 10 years, we have worked extremely hard to have these tremendously deep levels of trust that we share. I can open up and be pretty honest with my son, but other remaining relatives that I have contact with, I'm extremely guarded about what I can comfortably express.

I'm the most isolated and contactless that I think I've ever been in my entire life. I stopped talking to people online. Completely. Which leads into another side topic here, why I may never find another new friend that could lead to companionship. I am terrified about online dating. I've never done it, and I'm sure that I never will. How else will I ever meet someone though? There are no more psychic or reiki classes and clinics to attend in person. Even so, the time I spent doing that over the past 2 years I never had sparks with anyone. Aside from the 10-year friendship I've had with this remarkable young woman, I've been single for 22 years this month.  It's pretty much guaranteed that I will live the remainder of my days alone. I just don't have any imagination left to create any possible scenarios of how I could meet someone new.

This brings me back to Gordon Ramsey. There are moments in both Master Chef and Hell's Kitchen where he speaks to a contestant of his that is struggling with their performance. He'll get very soft in his demeanor and move his face very close to theirs, and almost whispers to them, "Have you given up?" You can see it in their faces and performances that they do feel like they've reached the end of their rope, they are exhausted and beat down by their competitors and yet they will muster up the courage to say, "No Chef, I have not given up." And they carry on as long as they can before they are eliminated from the contest.

My actions, my attitudes, my performances, they all feel to me like I have reached the end of my rope. I have no new ideas about what to do with my life. I do feel like I've given up. And I'm just staying here in this world because it's easier to stay alive than it is to end my life. Thankfully I am not suffering painful depression right now. My ability to converse with my best friend, the fact that I have 2 incredibly wonderful grandchildren, that I'm healthy enough to go for hikes in nature, my meditation practice, and being able to ingest kratom (instead of using pharmaceutical mood stabilizers), these are the things that give me stasis. But how am I going to live another 20 years? Or 10 years. Or even 5. What is going to put a fire back into my soul? 

The simplest thing would be to have a loving partner in my life that I had shared interests with. Ooops, that would work simply if it were already here. My friendship has illustrated this to me. It's not simple because I'm so far from being able to believe that I could ever meet, and develop deep levels of trust with a new person. I think that kratom and my meditation (and nature walks) have sort of drugged me into thinking that my life is not as bad as it really is.

Ok, that's all I wanted to do was summarize where I'm at today. I'm going to meditate now.