before something else breaks...
I have been deliberating the writing of this blog entry for a couple of days now, so before I get more confused, or end up leaving more pieces out - here goes. It's been a strange week. I'm not exactly sure when this mood and energy shift started (other than some recollection that I did not take ANY Cymbalta last Friday). I have not been to school since then either.
A lot of thoughts and revelations have occurred this week. In particular deciding that I do not want to become a web-developer or waste precious time learning a skill I may only ever have minimal personal use for (why learn Dreamweaver if all I'm ever going to need to do is tweak my Blogger?). The matter of deciding to drop this class opened up a deeper soul investigation than I expected though.
I was born with a mental framework that allows very little grey area into my visions. I see things in ultimates and absolutes. My greys are where my energies get muted into depression. When I can't see clearly I get depressed. When I can see clearly I know exactly what it is I want to do (or am supposed to do) and am able to access the power needed to manifest my reality or destiny. But it is a closed and contained world that I see that I live in. There is no room for expansion. I only have who and what I am to work with and time on this earth seems finite to me.
Non-philosophically I mean that I am aware of my limitations of skill, strength, and potential ability. The most important thing that I have discovered that I can achieve in my life is the (completion of the) writing of this novel that I've been creating for two years now. I'm not making sense am i... (and darn it but i've written this straight into a blogger post, not a Word document, which means i'll most likely post this without editing it... okay, gonna send this out now anyway.) There will be more later.
A lot of thoughts and revelations have occurred this week. In particular deciding that I do not want to become a web-developer or waste precious time learning a skill I may only ever have minimal personal use for (why learn Dreamweaver if all I'm ever going to need to do is tweak my Blogger?). The matter of deciding to drop this class opened up a deeper soul investigation than I expected though.
I was born with a mental framework that allows very little grey area into my visions. I see things in ultimates and absolutes. My greys are where my energies get muted into depression. When I can't see clearly I get depressed. When I can see clearly I know exactly what it is I want to do (or am supposed to do) and am able to access the power needed to manifest my reality or destiny. But it is a closed and contained world that I see that I live in. There is no room for expansion. I only have who and what I am to work with and time on this earth seems finite to me.
Non-philosophically I mean that I am aware of my limitations of skill, strength, and potential ability. The most important thing that I have discovered that I can achieve in my life is the (completion of the) writing of this novel that I've been creating for two years now. I'm not making sense am i... (and darn it but i've written this straight into a blogger post, not a Word document, which means i'll most likely post this without editing it... okay, gonna send this out now anyway.) There will be more later.
Comments
I took a class last term that was a great class, but it was taking too much of my time (or at least that's how it felt), so I dropped it. It was absolutely the right choice.
This term I'm taking a class in digital photography (with Daryl! ;-) that takes 2 or 3X as much of my time, and there is no way I would drop it because it truly makes my heart sing.
[I hope you don't drop the photography class, Daryl.]
I know Dreamweaver inside and out and will share anything I know with you - you can drop that one. :-)
And since I'm in an advice-y mood - hmmm, I must be premenstrual - this is how I learned not to let depression seem so scary. I like to think of it like an ekg read out, just kind of get a visual graph of the mood. If you're prone to depression, you know you'll get spikes and dips. You also know it levels out again. It's unrealistic to think you won't get these periodic spikes and dips but you may find that they've gotten shorter and they don't go as high or low as they used to. To me, that helps. And if you see them as colds or flus or headaches, you would never shout at yourself for getting sick but you'd load up with chicken soup and Kleenex and fresh sheets and bubble bath and prepare to have a little time away from others. So maybe, if you feel something coming on, go out and get the comfort things you need, and know in a week or so, you'll be back in action.
xo ~Susan
As for thinking of depression as if it were a cold or the flu; hmmm. I mean, as far as what you say about knowing "it too will pass", I'm good about that. But how long it will take varies. A lot of my depression has actually migrated into my body (over the time period of the last year). What I mean by that is that it is not just a mental thing anymore for me. I "feel" my depression as actual pain symptoms now. There used to be the usual lethargy, which at one time was chronic, but now as I get older (the countdown clock to 50 years starts in only 6 months) I have a constant "pain sensor" of some sort that goes off, whether it be back aches, sore hips and knees, headaches - or the most recent development; leg cramps. God do I sound crotchety! See? Get me talking and then just try to shut me up!
Ok, my real point though is that every day is real. Every depression is connected to my real life and thoughts and experiences. I can't just wait them out. I have to work my way out of them. I have to find a solution to make me want to go on living, if you will. Right now I do just hope that I will feel good enough to wake up in time to make it to my 8am class on Monday!