into the void...
It's been weird, these past few weeks since I left my job at Whole Foods. It's my old life again. In the first few days I felt determined to take a new attitude - but now it feels like those were shallow wishes. Big change takes time. It takes deeper understanding and new thinking. But also creative thinking much different than you've thought of before. Routine is a bitch to own. Too much of it and you become a slave, not enough of it and you become a sloth. i'm just noticing old behaviors that want to reclaim my time. I can't let them enslave me.
A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to pique my interest into being more aware of and attuned to "her" myself. I need more though.
I've been reading books on Scribd, spiritual and theoretical books about the esoteric sciences, and these help me go deeper, a lot, but my concentration is hazy. If I read for an hour or two a day, every day I'd really become able to shift into higher gears, but my concentration is hazy, and I don't.
I'm afraid of falling into the old problem of trying to edit my novels, but not editing them. Yet tonight at the cafe, which I almost decided not to go to I had a breakthrough with using Autocrit. I got several pages of edits completed - simply removing unnecessary adverbs on this pass - and the energy flowed. It was not difficult to rewrite the sentences I removed adverbs from, it was even sort of fun! I was having so much fun doing it that I didn't go straight home after the cafe closed but drove and parked my car and got back online by tethering my phone to the internet. And now at home I have the Autocrit open and am continuing at chipping away at the adverbs while I watch some movies. Not entirely focused, but better than I usually do here at the house.
So it's a little bit of connecting more with the Universe each day. The Oregon woman also coined a neat phrase/concept of tuning into and aligning with The Void - the darkness in which you are not in that state of awareness The Universe makes you feel. The Void is just another name for The Universe I believe. It is when you cannot see, or do not understand the energies around you that feel like they are limiting your ability to make things happen. I love The Void more than I love The Universe because my life has traditionally been so haphazard and unpredictable. I don't get what I pray for. I get the opposite most times so now having this new concept of the power of the darkness, of the unpredictable, of the happenstance to believe in and tune into, well, I feel a new bravery. I wonder if anyone has written about this, I've never heard of it before...
Anyway, I started to worry this past week that depression might be returning to these bones. I gained a lot, and gave up a lot the first part of this year when I went back to work. I've lost social contacts, even though I never hung out with anyone after work - the social interaction I got with customers, and having fun with co-workers, that was more friendliness than I've experienced in the past decade. I think volunteering would be a good thing to consider, but I'll have to play it be ear. I at least know that I can handle being busy and doing schedules.
okay, that's about it. i see my p-doc next week. she'll be thrilled to hear me say i'm feeling depressed. haha ugh.
A woman in Oregon has been talking a lot lately about serving/working for/being employed by "The Universe", and her experiences, even though I don't really know anything about what she's doing - other than she's an artist/singer/muse/model/photographer-etc - she comes up every few days with statements about how she keeps aligned and attuned to the Universe's urgeings. It's just enough to pique my interest into being more aware of and attuned to "her" myself. I need more though.
I've been reading books on Scribd, spiritual and theoretical books about the esoteric sciences, and these help me go deeper, a lot, but my concentration is hazy. If I read for an hour or two a day, every day I'd really become able to shift into higher gears, but my concentration is hazy, and I don't.
I'm afraid of falling into the old problem of trying to edit my novels, but not editing them. Yet tonight at the cafe, which I almost decided not to go to I had a breakthrough with using Autocrit. I got several pages of edits completed - simply removing unnecessary adverbs on this pass - and the energy flowed. It was not difficult to rewrite the sentences I removed adverbs from, it was even sort of fun! I was having so much fun doing it that I didn't go straight home after the cafe closed but drove and parked my car and got back online by tethering my phone to the internet. And now at home I have the Autocrit open and am continuing at chipping away at the adverbs while I watch some movies. Not entirely focused, but better than I usually do here at the house.
So it's a little bit of connecting more with the Universe each day. The Oregon woman also coined a neat phrase/concept of tuning into and aligning with The Void - the darkness in which you are not in that state of awareness The Universe makes you feel. The Void is just another name for The Universe I believe. It is when you cannot see, or do not understand the energies around you that feel like they are limiting your ability to make things happen. I love The Void more than I love The Universe because my life has traditionally been so haphazard and unpredictable. I don't get what I pray for. I get the opposite most times so now having this new concept of the power of the darkness, of the unpredictable, of the happenstance to believe in and tune into, well, I feel a new bravery. I wonder if anyone has written about this, I've never heard of it before...
Anyway, I started to worry this past week that depression might be returning to these bones. I gained a lot, and gave up a lot the first part of this year when I went back to work. I've lost social contacts, even though I never hung out with anyone after work - the social interaction I got with customers, and having fun with co-workers, that was more friendliness than I've experienced in the past decade. I think volunteering would be a good thing to consider, but I'll have to play it be ear. I at least know that I can handle being busy and doing schedules.
okay, that's about it. i see my p-doc next week. she'll be thrilled to hear me say i'm feeling depressed. haha ugh.
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