750 words - day 10

 The astrologer I listened to yesterday said one thing in particular that stuck in my mind, and that is about finding your "soul signature", finding out what it is that you were born to do. What it is that your soul agreed to work towards achieving in this lifetime, before you were born. THIS, to me right now, is the most tantamount sense of "mission and purpose" that I can think of in regards to figuring out what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I think this is something we can determine through meditation and journaling, as well as research and study of metaphysical writings and spiritual practices. And this is what I've been whittling away at all my life long. It's just that there are times when I'm more focused and on track than I am at other times. Overall the span of the years I've been alive, this has been the awareness of God's hand upon me that has been hovering around me like an external aura, like the shadow of angels emanating from my form. I do feel like I've been on a mission from God, but what has made me feel so much like I'm missing the point of fully fulfilling my purpose is that I'm never officially recognized for being what I am and for doing what I do. I've always felt like I need a title and an official position as one of God's silent and invisible emissaries. I just cannot get that to happen.

When I was a young man I thought that I should be able to get an officially supported assignment by some church, as a missionary or even a pastor, though I never felt especially called to be a pastor. I think there was something in a past life where I may have been in a role similar to a cult leader, or some type of role where I led a flock of believers astray and God has protected me from letting such a thing happen to me (and/or others) again. But nothing would ever click into place for me to be able to get onto the staff of any church or organization. The closest I ever got to having this happen was when Billy and I lived in the ashram and I nearly begged to be let become a full time member of the staff (so that we could go and live at the ashram in India), and Gurumayi could see my "soul signature" and she said, NO, this is not the path for me...

So NOW I think I am beginning to feel and sense more so what it is I'm supposed to do. I AM an invisible emissary. I don't need a title. I don't need a position. I don't need to be a member of any group or team or church to do what it is I DO. I just need to BE, be myself at all times, and no matter where I am or who I am around I DO MY WORK. I am a vehicle of the spirit of God, God radiates thru me. I don't even need to speak when I am in the presence of others. I JUST NEED TO BE, and I think now, by making this admission I can understand better how this works. All the time I spend in thoughtful meditation feeling the needs of the world, and responding with prayerful thoughts and energies to bring healing to the world, I AM DOING IT. Its more powerful when I have a specific goal to channel these thoughts and energies through, like if I am aware of someone's specific prayer requests, I can devote more energy and presence to bringing in this blessing energy from God to bring to the requester... but I don't have to be in hyper-focus mode all the time. Just by being present in any given moment, feeling and being the mantra that aligns me with the grace and presence of God, the healing energy flows through me out to all that are near me. This is the greatest, simplest explanation and understanding that I have for what my "soul signature" is. I think that if I can just let go of thinking that there must be a higher, more serious title for what it is I do and just be here, now, being God, life will get easier and more beautiful. I can stop feeling guilty for not being an "official something or other". Well I hope that this is a true breakthrough in understanding for me and I'll begin to see changes come about by settling into this smooth fitting suit.