keys to bridges that i can't find the way to cross...

 New year, new hope, new holes to dig out of too. This, this right now, this today, this month... I am face to face with the unknown because for the first time that I can remember, maybe ever, I don't have an assurance of how I'm going to get thru this month monetarily. For literally ever I have always felt a safety net around me knowing that there was going to be enough money to carry me through until the next month. But now, due to the raising costs of EVERYTHING (national inflation), that safety net has been shrinking, and well, NOW it has shrunk into a noose around my neck/wallet. Today is the 5th day of the month and I've gotten my first warning from my bank that I have insufficient funds to meet my transaction needs. I have been overdrawn before, but this is bigger and deeper. This is the raw face of God staring me down saying, "What are you going to do now, dude?"

With the ongoing journey of coming to understand and bring into reality the balance of my astrological North and South nodes, I am challenged. Fiercely. Become someone that literally trusts completely in living a spiritual life and believes that if you choose to only serve God, your needs will be met, versus doing what I did in my last incarnation; do the path of work suffrage and turn over my freedoms to an employer who will underpay me for my life's energy. This is the crossroads I am at right now.

I nearly constantly turn to my divination tools to ask if I should go back to working for an employer, or if I should not. Continually the answers I receive are to NOT seek out a regular job. But they also do not tell me what else I could do, other than trust AND carry on doing more of what I feel is my calling... to spend my days in meditation doing healings for the world. As of now, this is not shifting my income flow.

It's a daily challenge, to face these questions in my mind. Every day when I think about applying for a job at Costco/Trader Joes'/Whole Foods I feel in my heart that I am a person of good cheer and that these places would hire me because I'm a nice and friendly guy.  But when I check in more deeply, specifically with my body I feel the depth of woe that my body will suffer from having to endure the hours spent in these facilities. This is an issue of mental health for me that I think it boils down to. 

Anyway, I'm not saying this as clearly as I could... the reason I even sat down to write this now is that when I was just meditating a short while ago, one answer that arose was that if I'm going to go this path of the North Node, I need to be doing more with all this free time that I have. And I recalled a couple days ago that I was daydreaming that I would love to become devoted to writing again. Just plain, simple, act of writing. Like I'm doing right now. Grandiose ideas of huge projects are put aside for now and just get serious about writing something, anything, every day. Maybe this is the key that will unlock deeper discoveries of truths for myself... by committing to writing daily, again... I know, I've said this so many times and I have little bursts of achievement writing for several days or a week, but then I let go of the practice... maybe now tho, my Angels and Guides are putting the screws down on me... because just wasting thru a day, meditating here, meditating there, going for a walk, reading a book... it's not getting me an answer to this need to have money coming in. I need a new, magical key to break thru this gate that is threatening to destroy me...