750 words - day 8

 Didn't have as much focused energy today as I had yesterday. Slept late, and deeply, had dream activity before waking that was on the verge of being memorable, but still not quite there yet. Using nothing at all for sleep assistance (meds/tea/melatonin) other than kratom, which mainly helps me relax, drowsiness is not achieved from it, but I think the deeper states of relaxation are what help me feel as rested and restored as I become (even though I had trouble motivating to get up today - sunshine coming in windows after weeks of dreary grey skies shocked me). So two things occurred in my life activity today, that are of note.

One is an experience of receiving multiple notifications on my phone telling me that tomorrow (now, today) is my great grandmother Nancy Wright's birthday. What struck me as unusual about this is that I normally only get one notification from my calendar apps. I got the same message 5 or more times today. So I finally settled into that occurrence and determined that my great grandmother REALLY wanted to communicate with me. As soon as I realized that I sat in my meditation chair and slipped into meditation to let her come through. She appeared as a burst of brightness before my eyes and I realized/recognized this being her in her full angelic splendor. I've not seen an angel/spirit being appear in this exact manner before. She felt like a soldier being dispatched to deliver an urgent message to me. She slowly neared me and then slid around behind me, spreading her wings and wrapping them around my shoulders, her head coming in behind and above my head. She was transforming herself into a sort of suit of armor to put upon me. She was still her angelic being-ness but she was merging with my body. Her head grew in size and fit over my head like an ancient soldiers armored headpiece, but she was not made of armor. She was angelic flesh and I became this same living flesh... Then I felt the power that she is and has access to. I could see with eyes of wisdom what she could see. She was showing me that I am this type of being now and informing me that I just need to remember this.

This is what seemed to be more of the message I was to receive today. The other event of the day was to walk to the (liquor)store to buy a ticket to fulfill my agreement with my friend Eric to manifest lotto winnings this month. So far we have not accomplished this. I've started doing the technique I used to do when I was playing Daily 4 last year (and the year before) where I meditate, and then use my pendulum to determine what 4 numbers will be drawn this/that evening. I had become so good at this before that I'd be able to discern 3 matching numbers, but then be just one number off of matching the 4th number. Tonight my numbers were close-ish, but not as close as I used to do. It may be futile for me to fall back into this routine of playing this game, but I'm filled with more light than I was last year, perhaps with determined focus I could get better and win. Daily 4 is not the game I'm playing with Eric. There's only a few more drawings left in our agreement, then we'll let this challenge go. We are both in dire need of manifesting money for our lives to continue in the established levels of financial comfort that we are used to. Our intents are somewhat worthy of reward, or at least we like to think so.

When I was on my walk to the store I took the long way there so that I could walk near the wilderness area that is close to my home. I was listening to Coast To Coast AM to a hypnotherapist that is trained in the methods of Dolores Cannon (QHHT - Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique). She was telling stories of how she's helped clients regress into past life memory recall of experiences they've had in their current lifetime, past lifetimes, and off-planet lifetimes. It's extremely curious work and just hearing these stories opens up my ability to believe that I too have had fascinating past life experiences that could help me understand what I'm doing in this lifetime better. I grabbed a copy of one of Dolores's books and will read a bit of it tonight before I sleep. I don't have motivation or resources to get training to become this type of therapist, nor could I afford to have a therapy session. But maybe I can learn some tools to help me go into regression on my own. Okay, that's it for now!

Back for more... so here is something worth noting, that when I listen to Coast To Coast AM and the people that are interviewed, I'm ALWAYS lit up with inspiration to do better things in my own life. Almost every different guest they have on the show lights up my sense of motivation and inspiration. Except for the guests that talk about topics I'm not interested in, I just don't even list to them. Which is a good thing about how their application is set up; you can choose who you want to listen to. The thing about these people is that they have gone further than I've ever been able to go in getting aligned with their lives purpose and are doing something extremely unique. Most of these people have clientele that come to them willingly paying money for their services, and many/most of them are authors that have explained in great detail what their gifts/abilities are etc. When I listen to them I always ponder why have I not been able to achieve such status in my life, and I retort that there is still time, but I just don't seem to have very many days that are full of inspiration and dedication to becoming better at what it is I do. One speaker tonight was talking about the novels that he has written and that he's in the process of writing even more. In comparison to the life I've lived, that's a superhuman feat to have accomplished. HOW can someone that's half my age have done so much with their life already. I have ideas that float thru my mind each day that could be the opening sentence in a novel that I could imagine into reality, but where does the inspiration and dedication come from to sit down and get it done. At least I came back to jot down some more thoughts here now before succumbing to my bed where I'll watch tv and try to read a book before I pass into the dream zone until I awake again tomorrow. 

Back for even more. Woke up this morning, coming out of a dream that I had no memory of at all... had some dismal thoughts enter my mind. Primarily about not making money, what's going to happen if I don't start making/manifesting money... feeling threateningly accused by invisible sources for knowing I'm in a dire situation yet I do nothing about it. Not looking for work. Doing nothing but being obstinate in my belief that "God/Angels will provide"... then thoughts got darker. Realized that in 2 days it's the 5 day anniversary of our mother's death. How have either of us survived this long, and how are we still carrying on... (bro is doing excellently though in comparison to me. he is flush with money, he knows what he wants to do with his life and is spending spare money he has on training courses etc). There has always been the lingering deep in my mind fear that one day one or the other of us will break down and lose it and exit this world by choice. Then I heard this loud crashing sound come from his part of the house... no screams or cries for help so I feel pretty sure it wasn't him dropping dead from vaxpoison... And then I look at the day that one or the other of us will die. If I'm the one left here, with no money, how will I survive even one month trying to keep this house running. Do I call one of those "we by houses" companies and take a lowball offer for this house, and walk away into the distance, leaving everything here?? All that gives me hope is my meditations, Scarlett, and kratom. I feel a little bit better now, need to meditate, am hungry but don't wanna have to walk to the kitchen and take the chance of having to speak to someone. Thanks for listening ye godz.