deep sleep of the soul, needed/obtained

 Weird night/morning... started to recognize my pattern of having sleepless nights (didn't get to sleep until 5:30am yesterday). I know that this is a clear and definite sign of my entering a hypo-manic state of mind/life which will feel good and active and focused, but will end up in depression. So tonight I decided to stem the tide of having another night like last night and took a pill to get me to sleep. It worked, sort of ... I slept hard and deep from 10pm-ish until 3:30am... missed my midnight starting time for this daily journal, but that's fine because I'm here now doing this. I was having deep thoughts before I fell into sleep last night, about not taking life seriously enough and not working hard enough about doing all that I could be doing with my life... thinking that tomorrow (today) I'll start to work harder, that I'll start journaling again to get down into the nitty gritty crevices of where my dark secrets are buried, and where my secret powers are hiding, to bring everything out into the open bright light of God to be healed by the power of truth... we'll see what happens tomorrow I guess...

And then, when I woke up an hour ago I turned on a random TV show to watch, happened to be the episode of Joan of Arcadia where she comes back to her normal life after spending the summer in a facility that takes care of teenagers that are having mental breakdowns. See, Joan's problem was that she was seeing, and having conversations with real people in her life that made themselves appear to be God, to her. And this drove her crazy. I know it's all fiction, but when fiction is overlapped upon people that have representations of ourselves playing the characters, we see ourselves in these dramas. And so I'm catapulted all the way back to my high school days where I was already beginning to have conversation with God in my own life, and I again start to wonder how crazy am I, or am I not. After that episode of Joan of Arcadia and episode of Medium comes on, and low and behold, the main character is having a dream of herself being locked up in a mental health facility where they give her electroshock therapy because SHE also talks to God and the dead... both of these shows are constructed to have happy endings, but they drag you the viewer through the disastrous emotions of thinking that you too, are a crazy person.

And here I am spending my days walking the streets or roams in the hills convincing myself that I'm fine. That God is in control of my life, that by bucking the system and not getting a real-man's job so that I can eat properly and wear new clothes, and save up some money to go visit my grand-kids... that I'm going to be fine, but in reality the line is so thin that separates me from "feeling okay" and/or "being out of my mind". Maintaining a state of mind where one feels calm and under control is dicey business these days in this world that is spinning more and more out of control as each day goes by. Is the price of taking a pill worth it to get a good night's sleep when the riches of protecting the treasure of your built up imagination that you are under God's care balances on the precipice of the canyons of reality? Do I need to be back on meds full time? Do I need to be in a mental ward to be monitored to protect the world from the wild thoughts that run through my mind that I try to share with my friends? Since I'm not hurting anyone but myself, or so it seems, I feel like it's okay, but I think I hurt those closest to me more than I will ever know.

Several hours later, well, nearly 8 hours later... I'm awake, slept like I feel like I needed to. Deeply unconsciously. No recall of dreams or dream energy/activity. Which is fine, I did not suspect that taking the pill (Trazadone) last night would improve my dream state. But I think I only needed to take half a pill last night, not a full one. I forgot how strong these are, and it's a good thing I didn't take the other type pill I have (Seroquel). The hangover affect is very pronounced after not taking any of these pills for a few months now. I will not take any pills tonight. I think the span of time I was stretching out into with poor sleep was not to a danger limit yet, so if I stay up all night tonight (not that I plan or want to) it'll be ok. That's all I'll say for now.