sexually healing musicians...
Disclaimer: I'm going to say some things in this post that reveal extremely personal and secret things about myself. Thus, it is being translated into a foreign language. I will include a link somewhere in this post to the literal translation. I will tell things truthfully, yet there is also a powerful element of fantasy being used. Ok, enough!
I went out on Saturday with a female friend to attend a concert. I had won free tickets to a show at the Great American Music Hall, courtesy of the amazing Leah. The woman I decided to ask to go with me is someone that I have known since January from college. I can talk pretty openly with her and have wanted to go out to take photographs together with her for some time now. She had suggested that we go out together on Father's Day and uncelebrate the day, seeing that we both have "no fathers". I thought it was a great idea but I fell into an ugly funk that weekend and was just unable to celebrate, or not, in any way.
So getting these tickets this weekend seemed to make up for disappointing her last weekend. The main purpose of the evening was so that I could introduce her to the art of concert photography. Not that I am very good at this, but I do have some experience and felt like I could give her some sound advice. We decided to go into the City a little bit early and try to visit a couple of the places we had originally planned on visiting; namely the Neptune Society Columbarium and the Presidio's Pet Cemetery. We went into the city about an hour earlier than originally planned which gave us plenty of time to visit these other spots. The only thing is that the Columbarium had just closed about 30 minutes before we arrived.
I don't have a particularly animalistic attraction to this female friend, but I do think that she is quite a beautiful woman. She is tall and well proportioned with a pretty face, bright eyes, and what I imagine her husband finds to be a very kissable mouth. But there, I said it. She is married, quite happily for 10 years I dare say and I have no intentions of interferring with her stability. I am a friend. There are things we enjoy doing together as friends. And that is fine.
She was so cool on Saturday night to suggest that if I were to find someone that I wanted to hook up with during our night out at the concert that she would be able to get her self home on BART to Orinda just fine. Now how great of a "date" is that! I assured her though that nothing like that would be happening, not that I wouldn't like something like that to happen but it's just that nothing like that has EVER happened before and I didn't think that anything different could happen tonight. I don't know how to spot a woman that attracts me and then have any thoughts that I can use to make a plan to approach a pretty jeune fille and start a conversation that could make such a being interested in hooking up with me. End of story.
So, something else happened instead. I started to tune into the idea of feeling attractions, yet the experience would turn mental and ethereal, or spiritual. The headliner performer for the evening, a thin woman who had this intriguing head of hair (dreadlocks that fell down her back all the way to her behind). Suddenly "she" was directly in front of us. We were sitting in chairs on the main floor right behind a couple who were sitting at a table. This performer, "Zoe" I'll call her, stood closely to our faces with her back to us. She bent forward so that she could talk intimately with the two people at the table. She was unaware that her small behind was pointed pretty much right at my face. I started to breath deeply.
I am very aware of the human energy field (or aura) that radiates from the physical body. There have been times in my past when I have had super-awareness of peoples energies. This was the first time I've felt it in a long time though like I was feeling it now. It started to feel sexual in some ways. I was taking advantage of my freedom to think imaginatively of what could be experienced if we, she and I were in a private place, if we were close intimately, or if even as the strangers we are that we cared to take steps to become more closely connected. Yes, to become lovers. I found her attractive, her lithe form, from behind. But more than that I could, I started to move into a deeper mental space where my aura started to interact with her aura. Did she know that some freak sitting behind her, sizing up her form was starting to imagine in his own private mind what he might entice her to do with him, in a private, naked place...
She then changed her bodies position from bending over at the waist to kneeling down on the ground. Oh no. One of my most amazing memories of sexual intercourse with my one lover was when "she" had been in this position. Kneeling as for prayer. I then knelt behind her and spooned with her and entered her. The sensations of friction during this position for intercourse were the most amazing that I had ever felt in comparison to all of the other positions the two of us had ever shared together. I was in love with that posture and hoped to have many, many more interactions with her when we made love together in the future. The sad thing though, was that this amazing love making experience was one of the last that we would have together. But the memory stuck in my mind and I held that image in my heart as something that I would look more forward to experiencing with the next lover that would let me into her life.
So it seemed that "Zoe" was staying here in front of us, kneeling "for me"... feeding me, innocently with energy that could nurture my heart to maybe believe that in some way a connection of spirit had occurred and not that "she" would be someone I could hook up with but that she was working as a healer who could magically remove what it was inside of me that blocks me from freely experiencing love in my life. Oh, and this woman "Zoe" is a magician and a healer. When I watched and listened to her perform I became deeply convinced that she was working on me while she stood and knelt there so close to me. After she finished up her conversation with (who my date and I later determined must have been her parents) she walked towards the back stage area. I then walked up towards the stage tospech out how well I would be able to get some photographs. When I walked back to my seat I came face to face with "Zoe", she looked me in the eyes, and said, "Oh, hi..." I said "hi" back but there was no connection... and I had no ideas either.
That was it! Ok, maybe there was no real need to hide this in a translation. When she got her turn to perform on stage I was mesmerized by the sounds that she made with her cello. She is an amazingly skilled musician that creates complex musical interludes by doing looping andfeedbacks with her computer. Now there were other female cellists and performers at this concert this night that made an impression on me. One young woman who I will call "Myra" was a girl that I found hugely attractive. She was the spitting image of Frederica Burkle, the super smart girl in the tv series ANGEL. But I got no aura energy transference from her. Just eye candy benefits, which was fine. Which was nothing more than I ever get any time I go anywhere, ever...
On my way home I was able to find inspiration to do something that I have not been able to do for quite a few months now. I have not been back to my cemetery, the Danville Cemetery, to visit the friends that I have come so close to there in a really long time, and I'm not sure what has happened to cause this disconnect. Well, I know why. The last time I went to any cemetery was when I shot the self portrait that adorns the top of this blog. That was in March when I was experiencing the deep, heartbreaking depression after the experiences at the college that drove me to drop all of my classes. The sadness I felt in that day when I took that series of last self portraits was so intense and I felt so lost.
After going into the Pet Cemetery on Saturday afternoon with my photo-buddy I guess the curse, or spell that prevented me from feeling comfortable enough to go back inside where I find so much comfort and peace. I stopped at Safeway in Alamo at around 1am on my way home and bought 3 prayer candles for the poor souls that I have spent the most time with in my cemetery. It was a dark night in the cemetery as the moon was not even half full. But I got out of my car and walked with confidence and surefootedness through the familiar pathways to the special grave markers that I used to visit and pay respects to oh so regularly. It felt so good to breath freely this air in this quiet and dead place where I've made so many acquaintances.
And tomorrow I am going to meet a man in Danville that has had real life experiences of encountering the ghost of Eugene O'Neill! And I've just watched Michael Moore's amazing new film, SICKO. There is something so wrong in this country with this health care system that is trying to push, even me out onto the streets where I will die because I cannot afford to pay for the care I deserve. I really wish I could run away to live on the coast of Oaxaca. Surf, fuck, pray, and write my stories...
That would be such a fucking good way to end this story, wouldn't it?
I went out on Saturday with a female friend to attend a concert. I had won free tickets to a show at the Great American Music Hall, courtesy of the amazing Leah. The woman I decided to ask to go with me is someone that I have known since January from college. I can talk pretty openly with her and have wanted to go out to take photographs together with her for some time now. She had suggested that we go out together on Father's Day and uncelebrate the day, seeing that we both have "no fathers". I thought it was a great idea but I fell into an ugly funk that weekend and was just unable to celebrate, or not, in any way.
So getting these tickets this weekend seemed to make up for disappointing her last weekend. The main purpose of the evening was so that I could introduce her to the art of concert photography. Not that I am very good at this, but I do have some experience and felt like I could give her some sound advice. We decided to go into the City a little bit early and try to visit a couple of the places we had originally planned on visiting; namely the Neptune Society Columbarium and the Presidio's Pet Cemetery. We went into the city about an hour earlier than originally planned which gave us plenty of time to visit these other spots. The only thing is that the Columbarium had just closed about 30 minutes before we arrived.
I don't have a particularly animalistic attraction to this female friend, but I do think that she is quite a beautiful woman. She is tall and well proportioned with a pretty face, bright eyes, and what I imagine her husband finds to be a very kissable mouth. But there, I said it. She is married, quite happily for 10 years I dare say and I have no intentions of interferring with her stability. I am a friend. There are things we enjoy doing together as friends. And that is fine.
She was so cool on Saturday night to suggest that if I were to find someone that I wanted to hook up with during our night out at the concert that she would be able to get her self home on BART to Orinda just fine. Now how great of a "date" is that! I assured her though that nothing like that would be happening, not that I wouldn't like something like that to happen but it's just that nothing like that has EVER happened before and I didn't think that anything different could happen tonight. I don't know how to spot a woman that attracts me and then have any thoughts that I can use to make a plan to approach a pretty jeune fille and start a conversation that could make such a being interested in hooking up with me. End of story.
So, something else happened instead. I started to tune into the idea of feeling attractions, yet the experience would turn mental and ethereal, or spiritual. The headliner performer for the evening, a thin woman who had this intriguing head of hair (dreadlocks that fell down her back all the way to her behind). Suddenly "she" was directly in front of us. We were sitting in chairs on the main floor right behind a couple who were sitting at a table. This performer, "Zoe" I'll call her, stood closely to our faces with her back to us. She bent forward so that she could talk intimately with the two people at the table. She was unaware that her small behind was pointed pretty much right at my face. I started to breath deeply.
I am very aware of the human energy field (or aura) that radiates from the physical body. There have been times in my past when I have had super-awareness of peoples energies. This was the first time I've felt it in a long time though like I was feeling it now. It started to feel sexual in some ways. I was taking advantage of my freedom to think imaginatively of what could be experienced if we, she and I were in a private place, if we were close intimately, or if even as the strangers we are that we cared to take steps to become more closely connected. Yes, to become lovers. I found her attractive, her lithe form, from behind. But more than that I could, I started to move into a deeper mental space where my aura started to interact with her aura. Did she know that some freak sitting behind her, sizing up her form was starting to imagine in his own private mind what he might entice her to do with him, in a private, naked place...
She then changed her bodies position from bending over at the waist to kneeling down on the ground. Oh no. One of my most amazing memories of sexual intercourse with my one lover was when "she" had been in this position. Kneeling as for prayer. I then knelt behind her and spooned with her and entered her. The sensations of friction during this position for intercourse were the most amazing that I had ever felt in comparison to all of the other positions the two of us had ever shared together. I was in love with that posture and hoped to have many, many more interactions with her when we made love together in the future. The sad thing though, was that this amazing love making experience was one of the last that we would have together. But the memory stuck in my mind and I held that image in my heart as something that I would look more forward to experiencing with the next lover that would let me into her life.
So it seemed that "Zoe" was staying here in front of us, kneeling "for me"... feeding me, innocently with energy that could nurture my heart to maybe believe that in some way a connection of spirit had occurred and not that "she" would be someone I could hook up with but that she was working as a healer who could magically remove what it was inside of me that blocks me from freely experiencing love in my life. Oh, and this woman "Zoe" is a magician and a healer. When I watched and listened to her perform I became deeply convinced that she was working on me while she stood and knelt there so close to me. After she finished up her conversation with (who my date and I later determined must have been her parents) she walked towards the back stage area. I then walked up towards the stage tospech out how well I would be able to get some photographs. When I walked back to my seat I came face to face with "Zoe", she looked me in the eyes, and said, "Oh, hi..." I said "hi" back but there was no connection... and I had no ideas either.
That was it! Ok, maybe there was no real need to hide this in a translation. When she got her turn to perform on stage I was mesmerized by the sounds that she made with her cello. She is an amazingly skilled musician that creates complex musical interludes by doing looping andfeedbacks with her computer. Now there were other female cellists and performers at this concert this night that made an impression on me. One young woman who I will call "Myra" was a girl that I found hugely attractive. She was the spitting image of Frederica Burkle, the super smart girl in the tv series ANGEL. But I got no aura energy transference from her. Just eye candy benefits, which was fine. Which was nothing more than I ever get any time I go anywhere, ever...
On my way home I was able to find inspiration to do something that I have not been able to do for quite a few months now. I have not been back to my cemetery, the Danville Cemetery, to visit the friends that I have come so close to there in a really long time, and I'm not sure what has happened to cause this disconnect. Well, I know why. The last time I went to any cemetery was when I shot the self portrait that adorns the top of this blog. That was in March when I was experiencing the deep, heartbreaking depression after the experiences at the college that drove me to drop all of my classes. The sadness I felt in that day when I took that series of last self portraits was so intense and I felt so lost.
After going into the Pet Cemetery on Saturday afternoon with my photo-buddy I guess the curse, or spell that prevented me from feeling comfortable enough to go back inside where I find so much comfort and peace. I stopped at Safeway in Alamo at around 1am on my way home and bought 3 prayer candles for the poor souls that I have spent the most time with in my cemetery. It was a dark night in the cemetery as the moon was not even half full. But I got out of my car and walked with confidence and surefootedness through the familiar pathways to the special grave markers that I used to visit and pay respects to oh so regularly. It felt so good to breath freely this air in this quiet and dead place where I've made so many acquaintances.
And tomorrow I am going to meet a man in Danville that has had real life experiences of encountering the ghost of Eugene O'Neill! And I've just watched Michael Moore's amazing new film, SICKO. There is something so wrong in this country with this health care system that is trying to push, even me out onto the streets where I will die because I cannot afford to pay for the care I deserve. I really wish I could run away to live on the coast of Oaxaca. Surf, fuck, pray, and write my stories...
That would be such a fucking good way to end this story, wouldn't it?
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