hard days...
i woke up feeling quite disconcerted today, not really sure why. one thing that started the day off on a dark note was watching the final episode of Bob Barker's The Price is Right. i'm gonna miss that old, familiar routine, a game show in which i could have won thousands and thousands of dollars worth of material possessions (because i've watched the show so long that i know the prices of most of the prizes that contestants have to guess at. for instance, if i were the first contestant on stage today i would have won 3 brand new cars! i knew the exact prices to guess to win. seeing that young woman get two of the prices correct and then miss the third price was very upsetting.
ok, that was a smoke screen. yes, i will miss Bob and am concerned about what he will do with all his free time now that he is retired. the bigger issue for me today was going to the county health offices today to have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist. i kept telling myself that it will only be a 20 minute appointment and that i need to stand my ground about not wanting to use any meds.
well, it turned into a 2 hour long intake interview with a pretty sympathetic therapist who fully appreciated my attitude of not wanting to take meds. anyway, i kept thinking that the appointment would end soon but she kept leading me into deeper topics of contemplation and diagnosis. she wanted to know about the things that had gone wrong, both in how i've been mal-treated for my mental illness, but also about what i consider my own personal failures. a lot of things i have let slip into the recesses of my mind; my suicide attempt, the month spent in the county treatment center, the 5 years of my absence from life while they over medicated me into obscurity... oh the sick, sick ways i've been shut down and why i so fervently want to be in charge of how what, if any meds i will choose to use.
there is something else i want to divulge but i've lost my stream of concentration. did i mention that i have felt all day like a sword was stabbed into my back? woke up with this sharp pain and it's made my spirit weaken as the day has gone on. i had wonderful plans to spend the day with two of my best remaining friends from the college tomorrow and i've already called to cancel because some kind of paranoia is kicking up. oh, its a mess. been very agoraphobic this week. no coffee shop time, no walks in the park. do any of you remember that last year i bought a kite? would you believe me if i told you that even though i live in the windiest city my part of this county that i've never flown it yet? that would mean standing outside in a public place.
i have a disturbing story to tell, someday, about how i give away my power (and possessions) to make people like me. and that i realize it doesn't work. god, i'm just talking in circles and falling further from making any sense.
ok, that was a smoke screen. yes, i will miss Bob and am concerned about what he will do with all his free time now that he is retired. the bigger issue for me today was going to the county health offices today to have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist. i kept telling myself that it will only be a 20 minute appointment and that i need to stand my ground about not wanting to use any meds.
well, it turned into a 2 hour long intake interview with a pretty sympathetic therapist who fully appreciated my attitude of not wanting to take meds. anyway, i kept thinking that the appointment would end soon but she kept leading me into deeper topics of contemplation and diagnosis. she wanted to know about the things that had gone wrong, both in how i've been mal-treated for my mental illness, but also about what i consider my own personal failures. a lot of things i have let slip into the recesses of my mind; my suicide attempt, the month spent in the county treatment center, the 5 years of my absence from life while they over medicated me into obscurity... oh the sick, sick ways i've been shut down and why i so fervently want to be in charge of how what, if any meds i will choose to use.
there is something else i want to divulge but i've lost my stream of concentration. did i mention that i have felt all day like a sword was stabbed into my back? woke up with this sharp pain and it's made my spirit weaken as the day has gone on. i had wonderful plans to spend the day with two of my best remaining friends from the college tomorrow and i've already called to cancel because some kind of paranoia is kicking up. oh, its a mess. been very agoraphobic this week. no coffee shop time, no walks in the park. do any of you remember that last year i bought a kite? would you believe me if i told you that even though i live in the windiest city my part of this county that i've never flown it yet? that would mean standing outside in a public place.
i have a disturbing story to tell, someday, about how i give away my power (and possessions) to make people like me. and that i realize it doesn't work. god, i'm just talking in circles and falling further from making any sense.
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