limited...
not good, no, no, sinking really... i used to have a blog called, um, jeeze, now i can't remember. something like, "I'm going down with this ship..." it had photos of sinking boats in the banner. i was really depressed back then, although the writing i did was more along the lines of a memoir; retelling stories of my life experiences. it was a "blogger blog" so it is still online somewhere. if i remember the name and can find it i'll provide a link.
but today is not a good day. i actually had a suicidal ideation earlier this week. it was probably the really hot day we had because the vision that entered my imagination was of myself hanging from a tree in the backyard and i pictured the body not being found for several days and that crows would have eaten the eyes out... i also remember thinking that it would be a good way to go because the news of such an event, the discovery of a decayed and hanging body would be memorable in my oh so vanilla town. and it would be a great story because people would murmur that they had no idea who the person was or that any such person had even lived in their fair city. this is a fantastic idea for a short story... maybe the good of having this thought is that it could inspire me to do some writing.
well, if you reading this entry it is because you were informed by the google messenger. there are only a few of you that will still receive this notification. if you used to be on the list and are reading, it means that you came here on your own volition, and i respect that. but since my entries are becoming more honest and personal i want to protect myself from detractors that give me invisible psychic "cowboy up-ness" in their attitude. you know who you are...
not eating food today.why? two reasons, minimum. there is a psychic force inside my house that prevents me from being able to enter the kitchen. so the cat will just eat dry food today too. vague? sorry. it's too hard to talk about. other reason. my hemorrhaging bank account has increased from -$135 to -$200 in the past couple of days. and it's only the 15th of the month. by the time my next disability check arrives who knows how large the deficit will be. not only will i not have money to go out for dollar bean burritos at Taco Bell next month, i will not be able to pay most of my bills the way i have been oh so good about.
another good reason for not eating is i am so effing overweight it's becoming embarrassing. so anyway, about why i fail at love. i don't really know, but i can't take the continual massing of regret over trying to be a friendly and lovable man and being hated in return. i had a soul-lover of a friend that i made through communication over the internet with someone. she was the best friend i've ever had in my life. we were friends for over two years and i gave her many, many gifts. it was a complicated friendship for a lot of reasons, and it eventually reached an impassable crux that left us both with broken hearts. i have nothing against her and am trying to resurrect the friendship. it is such an improbable hope though that i cannot say whether i really believe i'll win her back or not. this friendship is one of those secrets i mentioned earlier. a little surprised that i'm comfortable enough to have let this much info about it out. we'll see if more will come out later.
one sign that i AM depressed is the change in behavior that i no longer take my camera with me when i leave the house. since the time i bought my dlsr in November, not a day or single trip from the house occurred without my camera bag. last time i even used the dslr was when i went to dirk-fest. no more self portraits, no more panographs, no more street candids... oh, a sure sign that i am depressed? i cannot even remember the last time i visited my cemetery in Danville. a sure sign that something is wrong. i missed putting candles out on both dates of Grant Pearson's birth and death; something i have not lost care about in at least 3 years now. all the people i used to visit and "hang out" with in the cemetery and used to bring candles and flowers to, neglected.
am i actually suicidal now? no, not really. i am feeling hopeless again though.; do you know what it feels like? hopelessness? to feel that there is no hope that your situation will improve? to be beaten back so much by failures in life that you can't believe that there will be a change for the better on another future day invisible hope that can't have a name put on it. i mean, if someone were entirely hope-less they would go to their bed, pull over the covers and just stop breathing, wouldn't they? that would take determination though.; to stop breathing by choice of will. oh, that is what forceful and intentional self hanging is, isn't it.
well, listening to the live audio/video feed of Bonnaroo today has been pleasant. Led Zeppelin's John Paul Jones joined the Ben Harper Band for a rendition of Dazed and Confused. That was awesome! i've been having problems with my desktop computer all day today and have not been able to work on any photographs, although i was able to post a couple of old photos from my youth on my flickr account. if i was feeling even a little bit better this blog post would be full of clickable links... sorry.
but today is not a good day. i actually had a suicidal ideation earlier this week. it was probably the really hot day we had because the vision that entered my imagination was of myself hanging from a tree in the backyard and i pictured the body not being found for several days and that crows would have eaten the eyes out... i also remember thinking that it would be a good way to go because the news of such an event, the discovery of a decayed and hanging body would be memorable in my oh so vanilla town. and it would be a great story because people would murmur that they had no idea who the person was or that any such person had even lived in their fair city. this is a fantastic idea for a short story... maybe the good of having this thought is that it could inspire me to do some writing.
well, if you reading this entry it is because you were informed by the google messenger. there are only a few of you that will still receive this notification. if you used to be on the list and are reading, it means that you came here on your own volition, and i respect that. but since my entries are becoming more honest and personal i want to protect myself from detractors that give me invisible psychic "cowboy up-ness" in their attitude. you know who you are...
not eating food today.why? two reasons, minimum. there is a psychic force inside my house that prevents me from being able to enter the kitchen. so the cat will just eat dry food today too. vague? sorry. it's too hard to talk about. other reason. my hemorrhaging bank account has increased from -$135 to -$200 in the past couple of days. and it's only the 15th of the month. by the time my next disability check arrives who knows how large the deficit will be. not only will i not have money to go out for dollar bean burritos at Taco Bell next month, i will not be able to pay most of my bills the way i have been oh so good about.
another good reason for not eating is i am so effing overweight it's becoming embarrassing. so anyway, about why i fail at love. i don't really know, but i can't take the continual massing of regret over trying to be a friendly and lovable man and being hated in return. i had a soul-lover of a friend that i made through communication over the internet with someone. she was the best friend i've ever had in my life. we were friends for over two years and i gave her many, many gifts. it was a complicated friendship for a lot of reasons, and it eventually reached an impassable crux that left us both with broken hearts. i have nothing against her and am trying to resurrect the friendship. it is such an improbable hope though that i cannot say whether i really believe i'll win her back or not. this friendship is one of those secrets i mentioned earlier. a little surprised that i'm comfortable enough to have let this much info about it out. we'll see if more will come out later.
one sign that i AM depressed is the change in behavior that i no longer take my camera with me when i leave the house. since the time i bought my dlsr in November, not a day or single trip from the house occurred without my camera bag. last time i even used the dslr was when i went to dirk-fest. no more self portraits, no more panographs, no more street candids... oh, a sure sign that i am depressed? i cannot even remember the last time i visited my cemetery in Danville. a sure sign that something is wrong. i missed putting candles out on both dates of Grant Pearson's birth and death; something i have not lost care about in at least 3 years now. all the people i used to visit and "hang out" with in the cemetery and used to bring candles and flowers to, neglected.
am i actually suicidal now? no, not really. i am feeling hopeless again though.; do you know what it feels like? hopelessness? to feel that there is no hope that your situation will improve? to be beaten back so much by failures in life that you can't believe that there will be a change for the better on another future day invisible hope that can't have a name put on it. i mean, if someone were entirely hope-less they would go to their bed, pull over the covers and just stop breathing, wouldn't they? that would take determination though.; to stop breathing by choice of will. oh, that is what forceful and intentional self hanging is, isn't it.
well, listening to the live audio/video feed of Bonnaroo today has been pleasant. Led Zeppelin's John Paul Jones joined the Ben Harper Band for a rendition of Dazed and Confused. That was awesome! i've been having problems with my desktop computer all day today and have not been able to work on any photographs, although i was able to post a couple of old photos from my youth on my flickr account. if i was feeling even a little bit better this blog post would be full of clickable links... sorry.
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