walking haggis, waiting to implode...
Daryl,
You need to exercise regularly.
I know it is depressing to not be engaged in the human continuum.
The endorphin rush you get from exercise, will make you look flush, and sexy
You won’t look like a walking haggis.
Chicks WILL dig you for you, if you care enough about your body to make be healthy
You will look sexy to them, if they know you will care for them the same as you care for yourself.
Sympathy Sex (Love) is for the pathetic.
I strongly recommend the Rowing Machine, and pull ups, and free hand weights.
You already have all the charm you need in your Professional Photography.
Now you need a body to put it in.
Suicide is too easy, and you already know you are going to re-embody right back into the test you failed.
You have the best opportunity RIGHT NOW at THIS time to defeat this hole in your lifetimes of embodiments.
Persevere!
Love,
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well, it is one of the greatest letters of encouragement that i have ever received. but it has come during an especially inopportune time. i was not even able to respond to this letter with any vigor at all. i feel more hopeless about ideas of my desire to be with somebody than i have in a long, long time.
the turn in my mood this past week, since i started using the seroquel has been unfortunate. i just don't know if the exchange, my hypomania that kept me busy with projects and made me feel encouraged about the future, for sleep/rest and dreams.
i'm probably heading towards becoming a diabetic. and suicide? when i was in my 30's and was the healthiest physically, mentally, and spiritually i've ever been i had a theory that all forms of death (accidental, disease, old age...) were subconsciously acts of suicide. i think it was tied to some tenet that if we lived in states of pure awareness/consciousness we overcame death. but that no matter how we die, we give up the ghost and make a decision to leave these bodies. these bodies, unless we believe in and enact eternal life are meant to die. how long we live is determined by a continual volition of desire to be here. when that desire to be here burns out, we let go and leave...
sometimes people choose with fully conscious decisions to depart. i'm taking the slow path but probably at an accelerated pace compared to other people i know in the world that are basically content with their lives. i'm actually orchestrating a bit of a train wreck for myself. my financial position in the world is rapidly declining and is too embarrassing to talk about anymore. my mother's health is dicey and once she departs my ability to have a place to live will become very difficult. blah blah blah...
i have a desire to be here now tied to the writing of this novel. i just need enough time to finish this, then i can go. this is a healthy desire because the power to fulfill it is mine. my desires to have companionship are unhealthy because i have no power to fulfill them. so if i can just focus on the writing of this novel, to the point where the rest of the world fades away i won't feel anymore pain from things i think i am missing.
my death clock is ticking and there is no time to waste...
(oh yeah, exercise? i would just hurt myself and become even more depressed... to swim in the sea though, that would revive me... alas.)
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