miasma minded, misled...
maybe moods are seasonable. and i'm not talking about SAD. because i just came through one of the most wonderfully mooded dark seasons (winter) that i can remember. this winter fed my motivations. no, i'm talking about them, moods, having their own schedules of necessity. that there needs to be a time of sadness, a time of gladness... that they balance each other. and mabye this is just something inside the experience of the bipolar. i don't know because i don't really know what moods regular people go through.
if i had not started taking the seroquel again last week how much longer would my mood of positivity continued? indefinitely as far as i could tell. as i feel now, i want to put my camera away for a good long time. i think the "Cemetery Girl" project has come to an end. i know i said this in an earlier post. i'm just reaffirming it now. there have been a total of 5 models from ModelMayhem that i have cancelled working with. better than them canceling on me, heheh. but i just can't work in two creative channels at one time; writing and photography are too much for me to manage full on at the same time.
is photography my manic creative channel and writing my depressive creative channel? maybe. because when i focus on the writing i have to go far inside myself as it seems by nature to be an individual and solitary practice. although i may have come upon a place where an alternative to this may be in the offing. i've had a desire brewing to find someone to assist me with my writing. someone to have as a partner and i just by chance found a very small group of writers online that do just this. now just to find the right person to partner with.
something else taking me further away into myself, into my world that i live and walk alone in is that i still have no friends to hang out with. there just isn't anyone. i'm going deeper into a sadness because of this. no girl friend. no classmates. no drinking buddies. no one to even drink coffee with, although i did have coffee for two hours the other day with Nancy. we only seem to do that 4 times a year though.
i mentioned rewriting my novels opening chapters. this is such a hard thing to do. it takes a huge amount of mental power to substantiate why something works and why something does not. i really DO need to have my privacy now to be able to do this deep analysis. so yeah, maybe it is best not to have anyone to hang out with and do things with now because it would just distract me from getting more serious about this task.
i just want to be the one to cause the sadness in someone else someday. i want to be the one too busy to answer the phone, or too busy to return phone calls, or too busy to reply to foolish nonsense in a text message, or too busy to go for a beer, or too busy to go on a silly road trip... well, i don't really want to be that kind of person because i'm not vindictive. one day someone will need/want me and i won't be here anymore. that is the thing to consider.
so where is the seroquel taking me? to a good place? was it serendipitous that i began to use it again? if i want to buy into this "seasonal mood" theory, then maybe it is good. the seroquel, mainly, makes me sleep. and it makes me sleep deep and long. long and deeply enough that i am dreaming. i have less physical energy or playful inspiration in a day to want to do photo shoots with models anymore. but it is making me want to write more. and like i've said before, the writing is the most important thing i have to give for this world.
i want to keep doing the music journalism though. i am so invigorated by live music performances. they make me feel alive and youthful and i love capturing musicians images on film; despite the fact that live music photography means very little to anyone but those photographed or those that saw a performance, or love a particular musician. it is genuinely a hobby. something i cannot say about too many other activities i partake in other than taphophilia, collecting books and listening to recorded music.
well, there may be one last "Cemetry Girl"; Myra.
you eventually cross a line where loneliness becomes more valuable than friendship. i think that i am nearing that line. will i choose to step across that line when it appears? by that i mean, will i become able to stop desiring the company of other people? the desire is killing itself inside of me. i have not realized this before, but i think i am very near that place now. i will start to consider this as an option. hermits don't live in society. they go to places away from people so that they can not be disturbed by people. i live amongst people. i just don't interact with them. i don't think i am a hermit, yet. i mean, i love people. i just don't understand why they don't like me. i want to live amongst people. yes.
oh, now that the work with models is over i have started to think about volunteering at the library again. i'm tempted to volunteer at the Alameda County Library in Dublin so that i can have a clean start with a new bunch of librarians (i think the librarians at the San Ramon library don't like me and i suspect that they probably won't let me come back. we'll see though because i am going to go in there on Monday to ask for my old position back). but i am hopeful that by volunteering again it will give me another opportunity to land the paying job. my prospects for finding a paying job in this city otherwise seem nonsensically absurd. will i go back to take more library tech classes? if they ever let me back into the college, maybe. oh, and the catch about working in Dublin is the price of gas to get all the way over there.
now i'm just rambling and writing for the sake of having the feeling that i'm talking to someone. oh, and i am going to shut off email notifications after this posting. if you want to read what i have to say, come to the blog or ask to be put back on the mailing list.
if i had not started taking the seroquel again last week how much longer would my mood of positivity continued? indefinitely as far as i could tell. as i feel now, i want to put my camera away for a good long time. i think the "Cemetery Girl" project has come to an end. i know i said this in an earlier post. i'm just reaffirming it now. there have been a total of 5 models from ModelMayhem that i have cancelled working with. better than them canceling on me, heheh. but i just can't work in two creative channels at one time; writing and photography are too much for me to manage full on at the same time.
is photography my manic creative channel and writing my depressive creative channel? maybe. because when i focus on the writing i have to go far inside myself as it seems by nature to be an individual and solitary practice. although i may have come upon a place where an alternative to this may be in the offing. i've had a desire brewing to find someone to assist me with my writing. someone to have as a partner and i just by chance found a very small group of writers online that do just this. now just to find the right person to partner with.
something else taking me further away into myself, into my world that i live and walk alone in is that i still have no friends to hang out with. there just isn't anyone. i'm going deeper into a sadness because of this. no girl friend. no classmates. no drinking buddies. no one to even drink coffee with, although i did have coffee for two hours the other day with Nancy. we only seem to do that 4 times a year though.
i mentioned rewriting my novels opening chapters. this is such a hard thing to do. it takes a huge amount of mental power to substantiate why something works and why something does not. i really DO need to have my privacy now to be able to do this deep analysis. so yeah, maybe it is best not to have anyone to hang out with and do things with now because it would just distract me from getting more serious about this task.
i just want to be the one to cause the sadness in someone else someday. i want to be the one too busy to answer the phone, or too busy to return phone calls, or too busy to reply to foolish nonsense in a text message, or too busy to go for a beer, or too busy to go on a silly road trip... well, i don't really want to be that kind of person because i'm not vindictive. one day someone will need/want me and i won't be here anymore. that is the thing to consider.
so where is the seroquel taking me? to a good place? was it serendipitous that i began to use it again? if i want to buy into this "seasonal mood" theory, then maybe it is good. the seroquel, mainly, makes me sleep. and it makes me sleep deep and long. long and deeply enough that i am dreaming. i have less physical energy or playful inspiration in a day to want to do photo shoots with models anymore. but it is making me want to write more. and like i've said before, the writing is the most important thing i have to give for this world.
i want to keep doing the music journalism though. i am so invigorated by live music performances. they make me feel alive and youthful and i love capturing musicians images on film; despite the fact that live music photography means very little to anyone but those photographed or those that saw a performance, or love a particular musician. it is genuinely a hobby. something i cannot say about too many other activities i partake in other than taphophilia, collecting books and listening to recorded music.
well, there may be one last "Cemetry Girl"; Myra.
you eventually cross a line where loneliness becomes more valuable than friendship. i think that i am nearing that line. will i choose to step across that line when it appears? by that i mean, will i become able to stop desiring the company of other people? the desire is killing itself inside of me. i have not realized this before, but i think i am very near that place now. i will start to consider this as an option. hermits don't live in society. they go to places away from people so that they can not be disturbed by people. i live amongst people. i just don't interact with them. i don't think i am a hermit, yet. i mean, i love people. i just don't understand why they don't like me. i want to live amongst people. yes.
oh, now that the work with models is over i have started to think about volunteering at the library again. i'm tempted to volunteer at the Alameda County Library in Dublin so that i can have a clean start with a new bunch of librarians (i think the librarians at the San Ramon library don't like me and i suspect that they probably won't let me come back. we'll see though because i am going to go in there on Monday to ask for my old position back). but i am hopeful that by volunteering again it will give me another opportunity to land the paying job. my prospects for finding a paying job in this city otherwise seem nonsensically absurd. will i go back to take more library tech classes? if they ever let me back into the college, maybe. oh, and the catch about working in Dublin is the price of gas to get all the way over there.
now i'm just rambling and writing for the sake of having the feeling that i'm talking to someone. oh, and i am going to shut off email notifications after this posting. if you want to read what i have to say, come to the blog or ask to be put back on the mailing list.
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