day three (skipped yesterday)

 Okay this is my third day of effort to keep the flow of inspiration to write daily, happening. I didn't come to the library yesterday (or a cafe either) because I went on an outing for the day. The last time that I had been to Colma for cemetery-photography and communing with the dead was in April of 2024. That almost felt like I had completely forgotten the place even existed. I used to visit there many, many times a year, sometimes even multiple times within a month. Back when my Mom was still alive and we would go there together. We used to go to so many cemeteries together. Since she's been gone, the only fellow cemetery-lovers I have left are Scarlett and Justin. I could go on my own, I suppose but solo visits usually open doors to contemplation that are more intense for me to endure on my own than I am fond of experiencing anymore. Since Mom has gone, there are so many things that I no longer feel inspired, or capable of doing. I think on some days that this is evidence that I am still in mourning for her, but that's 8 years that have passed now. That's much longer than healthy mourning should last, methinks. I never stated that I'm going to cut back on certain types of activities out of honor of her passing, these have been natural adjustments to my life flow that I've been experiencing. My participation in the outward world's activities have been ebbing on their own volition and I am just letting the whims of each day control what I do.

That I'm sitting here in the library, where I used to visit with my Mom regularly feels like a huge and substantial flow back to normalcy. Do I feel any emotions rise up while I sit here where I used to sit with her for hours and hours working on projects, and reading together? No, not really. But the memories of seeing her here, and tapping into the energy of excitement that we used to share when we came here, those memories, especially now since I'm talking about it, are rising up... and I see people here that remind me of her. Okay, yeah, the more that I talk about this, and bring up these memories, I'm starting to feel swells and ripples of emotions beginning to stir in my belly... That's not what I want to explore now, not today. Not more than ... 

What do I want to talk about today? Let's try to stay on track with the topics I opened with a couple days ago. Talking about the channeling? What else was I talking about? Maybe it's okay for now, for this entry that I just opened with my activities yesterday. By the end of the day, even though the temperatures had become heavenly (part of the inspiration for travelling there yesterday was to escape the near 100 degree temps inland), and when I drove into Colma, it was like driving into a fog bank. The fog was not at ground level in the early afternoon, but by the time I was getting ready to go home, around 6:30pm the fog was much lower, there was mist in the air, even though it was still only in the upper 60s. I would be a happier man getting to live somewhere that had weather like that everyday. Ok, I was going to say that by the end of the visit, for the first time ever, the place started to look "old" to me. It's such a sad place, really, overall there is an additional sadness in Colma, aside that it's a place for the dead. The other sadness is that for the massive size of the place, and how many tens of thousands of people that are buried there, the only time that people visit there are on holidays. Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and the end of year holidays... The rest of the year the place feels like a ghost town. It's not like at Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland, where the grounds are surrounded by neighborhoods that feed the cemetery with visitors that just love to walk around because it's so beautiful. For the hundreds of thousands of people (millions actually) that live within a 20 minute drive to Colma, why don't more people go there to walk around, hang out, and either do spirit work, or creative projects. The amounts of times I've seen other people there that look like they are not just "passing through" I could count on 3 fingers. And I've had this sentiment over and over, that if I could live in that city, I would spend every single day walking amongst the dead doing my "healing work". I was trying to say, that yesterday, just before I left that the place "felt old"... and I had a split second worried thought, "Is this the last time I'll come here?" I've never ever had such a thought before, and I don't want it to sink in now... it's just hard for me to feel capable of going there anymore. The price of gas is exorbitant right now, and I don't have free flowing funds to spend on gas like I've had in the past.

I didn't come home last night and jump into editing my photos like I always used to years ago. The ending of sharing my artistic photos online has snuffed out that hobby. I feel like this is something else that got swallowed by my grief. I don't care about participating in the activities in the world I used to, anymore. Yet I still come home with 200+ photos... whyyyy... I think I do it to assimilate the appearance of "being busy", and of "having something to do"...  Well, I'm gonna stop here. This session has opened some sore spots for me and I'm gonna have to deal with manipulating this energy so that I don't fall into a funk.