re: matters of deeper connections with female beings...
I have a really, really, REALLY good friend that is a young woman. She and I have become very dependent on one another for deep personal communication for a number of years now. But we are not romantically connected in anyway. There are times when I feel desires to be involved with someone of the opposite sex for romance, but the feelings are never strong enough to make me actually make anything happen with someone. I base this on my acceptance of the reality of my life, that I get along just fine in this world on my own. And the longer I go on accepting this position, the harder it becomes to believe that something different could happen.
My drive to find someone new to get to know more personally than I know my friend is weak and sporadic. There are times when I really want something to happen, for someone new to appear and for getting to know them to happen effortlessly. But it's rare. Over the past 2-3 months I opened my heart and mind to the possibilities of this again, and here is what happened. I updated my profile on okcupid so that I didn't come across like a total weirdo (like I did last year when I created that profile). The thing is that I don't feel safe or comfortable getting to know someone online like that. Not if there is the potential for it to become deep and intimate. I need to be around someone in person. I need time around someone to see how it is that we blend together in person. I need time to get to know someone, like in a college class, or at a job.
So anyway, I got a lot of interest generated by my okcupid profile, but I replied to NONE of them. I know well enough how easy it is to disguise the truth about one's identity and true feelings online. I won't put the time and energy into getting to know someone that way. But, two other people appeared in my life, here in San Ramon. Yes, at this same time that I was putting out this energy that I was ready to experiment and try to draw someone to me.
One of these ladies I kept having this coincidental meetings with around town. When it first happened, we ran into each other three days straight. I gave her my card so that she could reach out to me if she wanted to - which we did. We wrote a couple of emails, and tried to make a coffee date, but it never happened. She was nice, but I didn't feel any strong drawing to want to take the time to explore with her more. There was no sparkage.
Then there was another woman that worked at Whole Foods that I had seen on many occasions over the past few months. Every time I saw her I felt captivated by her actions and personality. Then I got a job at Whole Foods and got to spend time with her in person every day! I thought, "yes, this is the way that I need this to happen!" I liked her a lot. She had a lot of personality characteristics that grooved with me and I could see taking my time to get to know her, and felt that it was possible that something bigger might happen between us. But then I decided to leave my job there, and now I do not have any contact with her other than through her instagram account - which I am not going to use as a means to keep in contact with her. She could also keep in touch with me online and I have heard nothing from her. I'm not saying that either of us are wrong for dropping this ball, what I am saying is that there was just not enough sparkage for either of us to feel compelled to do more work. And this is completely fine with me.
What is good is that movement has begun with me starting to become noticeable to other people. And if I am meant to be with someone, the very right person will come along in a situation where we'll have time to get to know each other and large sparkage will occur.
My drive to find someone new to get to know more personally than I know my friend is weak and sporadic. There are times when I really want something to happen, for someone new to appear and for getting to know them to happen effortlessly. But it's rare. Over the past 2-3 months I opened my heart and mind to the possibilities of this again, and here is what happened. I updated my profile on okcupid so that I didn't come across like a total weirdo (like I did last year when I created that profile). The thing is that I don't feel safe or comfortable getting to know someone online like that. Not if there is the potential for it to become deep and intimate. I need to be around someone in person. I need time around someone to see how it is that we blend together in person. I need time to get to know someone, like in a college class, or at a job.
So anyway, I got a lot of interest generated by my okcupid profile, but I replied to NONE of them. I know well enough how easy it is to disguise the truth about one's identity and true feelings online. I won't put the time and energy into getting to know someone that way. But, two other people appeared in my life, here in San Ramon. Yes, at this same time that I was putting out this energy that I was ready to experiment and try to draw someone to me.
One of these ladies I kept having this coincidental meetings with around town. When it first happened, we ran into each other three days straight. I gave her my card so that she could reach out to me if she wanted to - which we did. We wrote a couple of emails, and tried to make a coffee date, but it never happened. She was nice, but I didn't feel any strong drawing to want to take the time to explore with her more. There was no sparkage.
Then there was another woman that worked at Whole Foods that I had seen on many occasions over the past few months. Every time I saw her I felt captivated by her actions and personality. Then I got a job at Whole Foods and got to spend time with her in person every day! I thought, "yes, this is the way that I need this to happen!" I liked her a lot. She had a lot of personality characteristics that grooved with me and I could see taking my time to get to know her, and felt that it was possible that something bigger might happen between us. But then I decided to leave my job there, and now I do not have any contact with her other than through her instagram account - which I am not going to use as a means to keep in contact with her. She could also keep in touch with me online and I have heard nothing from her. I'm not saying that either of us are wrong for dropping this ball, what I am saying is that there was just not enough sparkage for either of us to feel compelled to do more work. And this is completely fine with me.
What is good is that movement has begun with me starting to become noticeable to other people. And if I am meant to be with someone, the very right person will come along in a situation where we'll have time to get to know each other and large sparkage will occur.
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