time for someone new to enter my life...

I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years. I've learned that I can be a very loyal friend, and that I enjoy being that type of person. I have learned that my life is better when I live in close personal proximity to another person. I grow, and the person I associate with also grows. I went through many difficult cycles of development and growth in the deep and complex friendship I built with this person. There were times when we both needed to take breaks from one another because the intensity of our interactions were overwhelming. Namely, the intensity of the desire we both shared for each other's company was limited because of obligations she had to another person in her life. She's in a committed relationship with a man who is her sexual lover. I fulfilled aspects of her desires in camaraderie that this man could not fulfill for her. What this led to was creating desire in me to become the one that would fulfill her desires in all aspects. I desired to become her sexual lover as well as the person that fulfilled the deeper hungers of her soul. She could not, in her imagination, find ways to let me become her lover though.

What this eventually led to was my disengaging from having any more desires of this type for her. It was a long, hard journey to come to this point where I gave up those feelings and desires, but I have done it. I was very sad doing this because for me, someone who had no lover, and who has had no lover for over a decade, found fulfillment in having this mental attachment to her. I was happy being an imaginative lover of hers. It was very intense for a very long time, but now I believe that I deserve more. That I am capable of more than just loving someone mentally.

What saddens me about this juncture I've reached is that I still believe that I could be the full package for this woman. There are so many other things that we do together that enriches each other's lives, that if we could just also be together physically, both of our lives would become supercharged. I believe this, but like I said, in her imagination, this is not something she feels capable of doing with me. So I'm being forced to go out into the world and seek someone else that I can have this full type of relationship with. I will find someone that I can engage with mentally and creatively with that will also find me to be a suitable love partner.

I hate that I have days that feel incomplete because I can only go so far in activities with my best friend. The other thing that is dis-empowering is that she and i build up momentum on the projects we work on, but then at the end of the day, we go to our separate homes, and she goes back to her lover, and the flow of energy that we had built up on the projects we work on dissipates. I've told her many times over the past several years that I desire to live in the same house with her. So that there would not be any more energy disruptions like this. So that we could begin to experience larger build ups of energy in the creative projects we work on together. But she just cannot begin to imagine how this is could be a possible experience for us.

One way we started to imagine a way to live together like this was with our idea of moving to Portland, Oregon together. That if we lived singly in this town, we'd be able to live closer to each other than we do now, and that we'd have more freedom for engaging in activities together. We have put a lot of energy into this imagination of moving there, but she told me, the last time that we met - a few days ago, that she is losing the vision - because her boyfriend, who she is more attached to now than ever before, does not want her to move there. Or at least, he will not move there with her if she decides to go away. So yeah, this is what I am starting to have to come to understand. That the penultimate level of achieved mutual thought we've shared about a future together, it is beginning to die. That she is not a strong enough partner for me to have - not only for having a partner to move to Oregon with, but that she is not free enough to be the close life partner that I need, that I deserve to have.

I need to redirect my focus out into the world to find a new partner for building my life with. She had her chance, almost 4 years I have worked in this friendship with her, but now I see that it is never going to bring me the soul satisfaction that I hunger for in being joined with another person. I am saddened by this because I love this young lady so much, and still have dark recesses in my mind where I'd see being partially happy as a solution to my aloneness in this world. But it's not fair to me, or to the next person that I'll find - who is waiting for me to come to them. The universe has prepared me for greater union with someone, and I am now ready for this next leg of my journey to begin.

There is only one person in my immediate world that I have interest in exploring this idea with, but I have no strong convicitons which stir me to believe that she really is the one. I need to be with "the one", not an imposter, not another half-committed person to learn more with. I'm too advanced in my time here on this planet to waste another two years being half-fulfilled with. It's time for this game to become serious. So I call out to you, whoever you are, be ready because I'm coming looking for you. I found these other two people, the woman i was married to for 8 years, and this last good friend... so I know how to do this. How to find you. Be ready, because this is going to be the real thing. I'm going to be as committed as I possibly can be to making things work out well, for both of us.

So be it, amen.