no pride or joy for me this weekend...

not for me... no, not this year, not any year. of all the years i've lived in the San Francisco Bay Area (50+ years) i've never attended any type of activities that the gay population engage in. never been to Halloween in the Castro, never been to a Pride Parade. why? because i do not consider myself to be homosexual. and i don't like to be mistaken for being homosexual - even though i know people think that i could be. i've never had any sort of romantic connection with anyone male. i just don't feel any type of attraction to men that way. i think i've isolated myself into a corner though because i don't connect with women romantically either. it's just easier to be alone than to have to deal with the miscues and misunderstood interpretations of what is going on beneath the surface of someone's private life and interior mind. i'm just posting these thoughts now because nearly everyone that i know here in the Bay Area is involved with the celebrations over there. there is this news now too about gay marriage becoming legal. well good for them, but it doesn't mean much to me, not personally. i feel a little sad because i could be part of that all. if there was something shifted inside my DNA perhaps i could have ended up with stronger feelings of a sense of identity that could make me feel like i fit into that social strata. but i don't, and i'm here sitting alone in a cafe, just like most every other night of my life.

what i'm waiting for the government to do is fix the mental health care system. if i could get decent psychological care, as in decent therapy, i'd be able to figure out my reasons for difficulty in getting along with people.