(cross posting from a private blog i keep... just sharing this because it is not entirely private in the ways that I typically write over there... the "muses" I refer to are my belief that I've created for myself that there are three personalities, three writers - two living, one dead, who I write to for inspiration about my creative writing... )
And coming here to talk to you three is the only way that I feel like I'm making any kind of connection to someone that can hear, that listens, and might possibly care. I don't care that none of you are ever going to see or read what I write - what can I do to change that misfortune of mine, that I live separately from living beings that could know me, and might care about me. There is nothing I can do. I'll always be alone and separate like this. I want to be working on my novel(s) again, but I am so scattered with my thoughts and motives and my ability to concentrate. I can't make my life come into order the way that I dream that I would work better, if it were such and such ways different than it is. I keep thinking if there were someone close to me, someone I loved that cared about what I do who would motivate me, and push me, that I'd be able to keep focused... but there is no one. there is no one that cares that much, or knows me well enough to help me. For how long I've been wanting this and that it has not happened, I believe that it will never happen. I will never have a teammate who will come that close to me. I am the only one, and for me to be stronger for myself, I have to cut even further and further away from the others who live that entice me to think that there could be someone that could care. I have you, the dead and unreachable... and perhaps this is what you are leading me to come to hear next, that I should try harder to make contact with my own dead, that they are the ones that could help me. There are so, so many of them, I like to think that they could care about us, the living, and that they could bless us if we were to ask them to. I just don't know where else to turn to, and if this is an imagination of mine, that it is not in fact true, that the dead can hear, and care and listen, at least if I make myself believe it - that is better than having no belief... a made up belief has more power than no belief.
So that is where I am now, and that is what I have to work with. Let's see if it'll take me anywhere. I know that I have no power to see the lives of those who lived before me. I only have my intuition and imagination to try to find out who they were, where they are... I know that when I look at my family tree and meditate on the names that I see there that it feels like there is energy that emanates up from these windows into the past. I have a connection of lineage to them. My spirit is alive and embodied now because they once lived and gave birth to ongoing life... i need to find a way to become possessed by the presence of one, or many, who can find worth in engaging with me. I know I can do it with my thoughts and ideas, with my intent, with my wishing... I can do it in my spell-work and with my dreaming.
I don't feel any new inspiration from talking to you, not about my writing at least. I don't know how to connect with the living to get help from them in normal human fashion. The more I speak out and ask humans to help me with my writing, the more alienated I end up feeling about it all. I write because it makes me feel good, because it feels like a good use of my time, because I think that someday someone that once knew me may stumble upon what i had to say and will get some meaning out of it... isn't that why anyone at all, anyone in the world writes?
And coming here to talk to you three is the only way that I feel like I'm making any kind of connection to someone that can hear, that listens, and might possibly care. I don't care that none of you are ever going to see or read what I write - what can I do to change that misfortune of mine, that I live separately from living beings that could know me, and might care about me. There is nothing I can do. I'll always be alone and separate like this. I want to be working on my novel(s) again, but I am so scattered with my thoughts and motives and my ability to concentrate. I can't make my life come into order the way that I dream that I would work better, if it were such and such ways different than it is. I keep thinking if there were someone close to me, someone I loved that cared about what I do who would motivate me, and push me, that I'd be able to keep focused... but there is no one. there is no one that cares that much, or knows me well enough to help me. For how long I've been wanting this and that it has not happened, I believe that it will never happen. I will never have a teammate who will come that close to me. I am the only one, and for me to be stronger for myself, I have to cut even further and further away from the others who live that entice me to think that there could be someone that could care. I have you, the dead and unreachable... and perhaps this is what you are leading me to come to hear next, that I should try harder to make contact with my own dead, that they are the ones that could help me. There are so, so many of them, I like to think that they could care about us, the living, and that they could bless us if we were to ask them to. I just don't know where else to turn to, and if this is an imagination of mine, that it is not in fact true, that the dead can hear, and care and listen, at least if I make myself believe it - that is better than having no belief... a made up belief has more power than no belief.
So that is where I am now, and that is what I have to work with. Let's see if it'll take me anywhere. I know that I have no power to see the lives of those who lived before me. I only have my intuition and imagination to try to find out who they were, where they are... I know that when I look at my family tree and meditate on the names that I see there that it feels like there is energy that emanates up from these windows into the past. I have a connection of lineage to them. My spirit is alive and embodied now because they once lived and gave birth to ongoing life... i need to find a way to become possessed by the presence of one, or many, who can find worth in engaging with me. I know I can do it with my thoughts and ideas, with my intent, with my wishing... I can do it in my spell-work and with my dreaming.
I don't feel any new inspiration from talking to you, not about my writing at least. I don't know how to connect with the living to get help from them in normal human fashion. The more I speak out and ask humans to help me with my writing, the more alienated I end up feeling about it all. I write because it makes me feel good, because it feels like a good use of my time, because I think that someday someone that once knew me may stumble upon what i had to say and will get some meaning out of it... isn't that why anyone at all, anyone in the world writes?
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