detached inability to create a plan in reality...

 Right now the plan was that I would be in Fargo, North Dakota, spending a lovely summer evening outside with my son, his wife, and my grandkids. Fate intervened and wrecked that plan. I'm too sickened/saddened by the events that unfolded early this morning that sent this plan awry to write out all the details about it. In summary, American Airlines employed Mercury Retrograde tactics to disrupt the original flight plans that I paid them my hard earned money for. One mistimed schedule change turned my entire plans for the day into a landslide of panic ensued calamity that I had no power to recover and rescue myself from. So I never even made it to the airport today. And here I sit, alone, in my room. Despite everything that failed to bring joy to myself and my grandkids today, I feel calm and at peace now and trust that a new better plan will come about and I'll be able to try again to go see them in September.

Okay, I must have written that on Friday night, and it's Sunday afternoon now. Billy, my son shared some photos of what they did yesterday afternoon. (The actual plan that they had in store for entertaining me with. They drove about an hour into mid-Minnesota to go inner-tubing down a gorgeous, cool river that rolled through luscious green forests. I had told Billy about a week or two ago that I had a fear of getting into boats in expanses of water, so he thoughtfully discovered this gentle alternative for finding a fun, and less threatening way for me to enjoy the beautiful waters of Minnesota. The float down the river lasted 3 hours!! The little bit of video he shared showed them riding along slowly meandering avenues that did not seem threatening at all (I would have had a terrible reaction if there were any severe turbulence (rapids?), but I did not even ask if that had occurred or not.

What impresses me is that I am not floundering in self judgement, which would lead to depression about this series of events occurring. I think when my plans to go visit them last summer fell apart I did experience depression for a few weeks, but this year I'm not feeling that develop. I feel more capable of rebuilding a new plan to try to get there to visit them in September, after I finish my epic month of dog sitting jobs in August. And as of now I have no jobs scheduled for September (onward) at all... (that's a little disconcerting, and I will eventually let go of feeling concerned about that and will adjust and fall into place, like I always do.So yeah, just practicing presence, and being stable mooded, here and now.

What I need to get onto right away is communicating with my p-doc about the panic attack, and seeing if there is a gentle innocuous medication I can utilize in the hours before I am due to travel to the airport/board the plane. I was so surprised by how crippling this experience was, feeling the life drain out of my body, and for my mind to be filled with rushing thoughts of dread that I could not control (until I made sure that all of the plans for the day (Uber to the airport, and the flight reservations) were cancelled. I had also done well by immediately contacting Billy and let him know that I was experiencing a situation that I could not recover from... thus, cancellations... so hopefully it'll only take a conversation with the support nurse at the clinic and they'll talk to my doctor when he gets in later in the week. I might need to visit them in person, but there is plenty of time between now and September to do that... Okay, that's all I have to say about all of this for now...