Day 2 - the return of CAFE MAN

 I felt so accomplished last night, I thought I was going to have a hard time sleeping due to all the excitement (and caffeine) but overall I slept really well. I woke up slowly, did my normal morning routine (watched Let's Make A Deal, AND The Price Is Right) ... then had my morning dose of kratom and performed a qi gong routine... (see why I value the wonderful life of not being controlled and scheduled by THE MAN?

I have been dreaming a LOT over the past 2 weeks. Sometimes I remember specific events and imagery, other times I don't, but I always wake up KNOWING that I had been dreaming powerfully. This morning I woke up with one reticent visual of Fox Mulder giving me a powerful "bro-hug" after we accomplished some powerful ritual-like case together. 

And then my mind wandered to upcoming events. Namely, Aine's memorial service this coming Sunday. More deeply I was pondering what details I could include in a "story" of my life together with her, and what details I should not include. Sadly, the amount of details I feel disinclined to share are overabundant. There were very painful things that occurred... and who is if of value for that I document these things. Do I want to write a story that exemplifies the high points of our time together, or do I want to tell the deep, truthful story that includes all the misery and heartbreak too. This is pretty much what I wanted to write in this blog entry today... so we'll see how brave I can be in addressing some of these thoughts.

Our story does not rank very highly in the legions of love-gone-wrong stories in the world, but the pain of the tragedy still resides in my body's memory and to dredge up the stories hurts. In one way I feel like I should say, this is over and done with, why rehash it. I don't want there to be any chances of blame being cast where it should not be cast. But there were some beautiful moments too that could end up balancing out the painful memories. Would I be writing this for my own sake? For my own healing? Or to be a testimony of how her life beautifully impacted mine. 

Essentially, I feel that I would not be alive today if it were not for having met her. There was one point early in our lives together when we could have gone opposite directions. And we even tried to do that. Once I left her in Ireland and came back to California alone. That could have been the end of us. And another time she went home to Ireland. That also could have been the end. But after both of those temporary separations we chose to reunit and continue forward. Was my initial meeting with her enough on it's own to assist me with finding a better path to follow in my life? This is a deep question that I have not explored very deeply. 

Perhaps this is where the power of writing out our story would be beneficial. For me, as a tool of self examination to know myself better.

Perhaps I could write two stories. One of the happiness, and one about the pain. One for the public to enjoy and the other for healing purposes. I'm not thinking about writing a book or anything, but I know that once I get going on a theme I feel strongly about, I'm a maniac about going into incredible detail and I could very well pour out enough pages to constitute a book-length story. 

I think what I will do is meditate about this some more, and even try to connect with her risen-spirit to see what she thinks I should do.

Okay, I think for now this is enough on this topic for today...