LIFE: subject to change...
something happened to me tonight that many people would be inclined to wrongly interpret were it to happen to themselves. i pride myself in being able to decipher esoteric events with wisdom. i was in my cemetery, THE cemetery where i have done all of my research for my novel. you know the one. i had not brought candles for my special ones there since just before christmas. and i especially like to bring candles during these very, very cold, long nights of winter as i suspect those whose spirits still dwell there feel especially lonely when most of us have warm places for our slumber.
recently i have only been bringing 4 candles to the cemetery; one for Krista, one for Grant, one for Tara and the last for Callie. and i walked my normal pathway starting at Krista's grave then circling back by hers on my way back to my car. when i got back to Krista's grave tonight i saw something that i had seen before but usually only on return visits. her candle had "fallen" over onto it's side. these are Catholic style votive candles i bring, you know, the ones with the saints screen painted on them?
when i have seen her candle on its side before it was usually after about half the wax had burnt down, several days later and i always figured that a squirrel or deer kicked it over... tonight though it had not been more than 5 minutes since i placed and lit her candle. i had placed it securely too, pushing it down into the soft soil for support.
fear did not strike my heart but silent wonder. early on the morning of November 1 i sat on a bench with my laptop and began last years Nanowrimo project just a few feet from Krista's grave. out of the corner of my eye i kept thinking that i saw something move, but when i would turn my head to look straight on there was nothing (or no one) there. tonight though i got the distinct feeling that someone was indeed there.
like i said, i did not become fearful but stopped and opened my heart and inner eyes to listen. i don't know "who" it was that knocked the candle over but i knew why they did it. to remind me of my task. the writing of this novel. and i felt the space inside my heart open very wide and a deep remembrance of the importance of this novel came back to me. this is a VERY important story that i have to tell.
ok, why i am telling you this now... just today i started to think that the "Cemetery Girl" photo project was approaching its end. i have two more girls scheduled to shoot. then i think that will be it. the girl i am going to shoot on Tuesday i am going to go ahead and honor our plan. i think she really needs what i will discover in our shoot; as i'm sure i do too. but the next (and possibly last) girl is going to be a very special shoot. THE shoot that may fulfill all that i've wanted to achieve with this project. she is the 16 year old daughter of an old friend of mine from high school.
see, this whole photo project started out of a need for me to visualize what my novel's main character looked and acted like. Brenna was my first real attempt to capture that spirit, and she did it very well. but Brenna is older than my MC is. this girl i'll shoot on Thursday is the exact age. i feel that i have become good enough at creating a safe comfort space for my models that this girl will move right into the character and let me "see her".
another indicator that the project needs to end is that two other upcoming models for this shoot have much different ideas about what they want me to shoot them like and it is in the opposite direction of who/what my character is. to finish this project also means that i can shift my creative energies back to writing my novel.
yes, tonight i strongly felt reminded of what is important. that life is short and that i made a commitment several years ago when i started this novel to finish it. that my life would not be complete if i did not finish it. that IT was the most important work of my life.
but who knows, i love photography so much... and it has been wonderful discovering these connections with my models. i have to follow my spirit's leading.
recently i have only been bringing 4 candles to the cemetery; one for Krista, one for Grant, one for Tara and the last for Callie. and i walked my normal pathway starting at Krista's grave then circling back by hers on my way back to my car. when i got back to Krista's grave tonight i saw something that i had seen before but usually only on return visits. her candle had "fallen" over onto it's side. these are Catholic style votive candles i bring, you know, the ones with the saints screen painted on them?
when i have seen her candle on its side before it was usually after about half the wax had burnt down, several days later and i always figured that a squirrel or deer kicked it over... tonight though it had not been more than 5 minutes since i placed and lit her candle. i had placed it securely too, pushing it down into the soft soil for support.
fear did not strike my heart but silent wonder. early on the morning of November 1 i sat on a bench with my laptop and began last years Nanowrimo project just a few feet from Krista's grave. out of the corner of my eye i kept thinking that i saw something move, but when i would turn my head to look straight on there was nothing (or no one) there. tonight though i got the distinct feeling that someone was indeed there.
like i said, i did not become fearful but stopped and opened my heart and inner eyes to listen. i don't know "who" it was that knocked the candle over but i knew why they did it. to remind me of my task. the writing of this novel. and i felt the space inside my heart open very wide and a deep remembrance of the importance of this novel came back to me. this is a VERY important story that i have to tell.
ok, why i am telling you this now... just today i started to think that the "Cemetery Girl" photo project was approaching its end. i have two more girls scheduled to shoot. then i think that will be it. the girl i am going to shoot on Tuesday i am going to go ahead and honor our plan. i think she really needs what i will discover in our shoot; as i'm sure i do too. but the next (and possibly last) girl is going to be a very special shoot. THE shoot that may fulfill all that i've wanted to achieve with this project. she is the 16 year old daughter of an old friend of mine from high school.
see, this whole photo project started out of a need for me to visualize what my novel's main character looked and acted like. Brenna was my first real attempt to capture that spirit, and she did it very well. but Brenna is older than my MC is. this girl i'll shoot on Thursday is the exact age. i feel that i have become good enough at creating a safe comfort space for my models that this girl will move right into the character and let me "see her".
another indicator that the project needs to end is that two other upcoming models for this shoot have much different ideas about what they want me to shoot them like and it is in the opposite direction of who/what my character is. to finish this project also means that i can shift my creative energies back to writing my novel.
yes, tonight i strongly felt reminded of what is important. that life is short and that i made a commitment several years ago when i started this novel to finish it. that my life would not be complete if i did not finish it. that IT was the most important work of my life.
but who knows, i love photography so much... and it has been wonderful discovering these connections with my models. i have to follow my spirit's leading.
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